"Oh, So That's Your Little Plan...Get Us Addicted Then Jack Up The Price!"

Memorial Day...today (or yesterday, as it mat be) was my day to get done all the things I've putting off for the last few days: Laundry, paying bills, balancing the checkbook, pruning some trees, taking off the storm windows and putting on the screens, etc. And so of course here I am, blogging.

I've been meaning to get to today's topic for a while but...well, I guess it's just one other thing that got put off for a while. But this is it; now I'm ready and eager to get going....Damn you, Subway!

For those who might be puzzled at my general distain for Doctor's Associates, Inc. (and I'll get to that name later on), here's the shinny (or skinny....or shibby):

Subway is no longer handing out the stickers that you put on the card to work towards the sometimes all-consuming goal of getting a free sandwich. I realize this may be sort of old news for some of you...I was informed by my local Sandwich Artist that my area was one of the last in the country to end the program. WHY?!? There's no reason. It's almost like the economy is not recovering...but I've been assured by a source so credible as the United States Government that that is most assuredly not the case. But I veer wildly...

I received notice of this policy change on the very same visit that I found out they discontinued my favorite bread, the scrumptious Parmesan Oregano...it was the most bitter Chicken Bacon Ranch sub I've ever choked down. Damn you, Subway!

And I've always had a little problem with the name of the company. The eateries are called Subway, but the company's official name is Doctor's Associates, Inc.. Makes it sound like the Medical Establishment fully endorses this business...but they don't; it's just the name of the company. Sort of misleading, but no more so than our foreign policy, I suppose.

This guy is a franchise owner who receives threatening letters from Doctor's Associate, Inc. Why they gotta be like that? Does Jared know what kind of company he's shilling for?

Don't let the terms " healthy", "good for you", "Sandwich Artisan" or "fresh" fool you, these bastards are just as heartless as the guys that run BK or McDonald's who keep adding on the calories and carbs and fries and cholesterol...all they're after is your very soul!!! They all clamor for it's extinction and your descent into the mind-numbing oblivion that is life as a Consumer!!! Are you so lazy?!? Make your own sam-damn-wich at home!!!!! Yeesh!

"By The Way, Thank You For Not Making Fun Of My Genitals."

What is it about warm weather that makes it so hard to post on a regular basis? I'm also trying to work on a book, which is slow going lately too. I'm hoping that by mentioning that on the blogosphere, that will make it harder to put off for "later". But, probably not...oh well.

Anyways, here's the part of the post that relates to the title, which was rather a titillating one, no?

Small-genitaled men finally have someone to focus all the blame and recriminations and deep down anger upon...their mothers. Researchers at the University of Rochester (that's the city where the Mayo Clinic is) have completed a study that shows that "boys are far more likely to have smaller, less-developed genitals if their mothers had high levels of chemicals commonly found in cosmetics, detergents, medicines and plastics", according to Knight-Ridder. I can't even think of four things that most American women would be more exposed to than these things. Let's see...chocolate, that could be one. Ummm...air, I suppose. Little magnetic ribbons and those lame rubber wrist bands that are so popular with the kids these days. That's about all I can think of.

Apparently, rats with this condition run a higher than average risk of testicular cancer. But the FDA says it "does not have compelling evidence" that the chemicals (called phthalates) in cosmetics pose a safety or health risk. I'm sure phthalates are nowhere near as dangerous as gay sperm, but still...wiener (this is an acceptable variation of 'weiner', so don't even try to tell me it's mispelled) size is at stake. You'd think the dudes at the FDA would be all over this one. This could be the biggest blow to the porn industry (yeah, that's right, I went there) since the Viagra drought of '02.

Hmmmm...smaller penises in our country since women have been exposed to phthalates (since at least 1980)...maybe that explains why everyone in our fair country is suddenly obsessed with owning a Hummer.

"Welcome To Fox News, Your Voice For Evil."

WARNING: ***SPOILER ALERT***STAR WARS***SPOILER ALERT

Every once in a while, I tune into Fox "News" just to get a little chuckle. It rarely disappoints. Case in point; the day before the release of Episode III of Star Wars, I tune in to see the visage of Bill O'Reilly (shudder). He was talking about a possible "anti-George W. Bush" theme in the movie. I switched right away, because I didn't want to hear about it before I saw the movie.

Anyways, I went to see it on Thursday. I think I know what O'Reilly was talking about. There's a scene where Anakin Skywalker, in the midst of his struggle between the good and evil sides of his personality, says, "You are either with me, or against the cause" (or something like that. The exact quote I'm not sure of, but the gist of the quote is accurate).

Now, come on...is it this little line that's got the Fox "News" Channel's panties in a twist? How many times has this line (or a line that is essetially the same) been used in the history of cinema? Dozens? Hundreds? Perhaps thousands?

I suppose they may be upset at some perceived parallels between the Empire in Star Wars and the current Bush administration. Hey, don't hate the player...If you see similarities between the evil Empire of Star Wars and your guy in the White House, maybe you should focus on fixing that, rather than lashing out at everyone else.

Of course, in true Fox "News" Channel fashion, they got someone on the case and have now found, through a use of twisted logic that would sexually excite Karl Rove, Pro-Bush messages in the Star Wars franchise. Can't everyone just realize it's just a movie? In fact, it's a typical George Lucas movie with stilted, awkward dialogue and wooden acting, telling what is essentially a classic Greek-archetype tragedy told through Shogun and Western movie-making styles. Oh, and by the way, despite the obvious limitation that any movie directed by George Lucas faces, Episode III was hella-hella-awesome! I'm have nerdish leanings, and I don't care who knows!

All hail Darth Hannity!!!

"College?!? Ha! Barber or Clown?"

Just kidding, sweetie! Congratulations on graduating college! You are an inspiration to our entire organization! You so great!

True to your style, with one hour to go until you got your degree placed in your hot little hand, you were soaking wet and covered in mud out in the yard. But the garden looked great, and so did you (after a little fixing up), and so did I (by association).

Even though I couldn't actually see you walk across the stage and get your degree, I was nonetheless so proud of you. You were draped with enough cords to hang the Iowa septuplets and the black gown to suit the occassion. I don't know how you were able to get it all done...going to school, being a mom, running three successful blogs...and I don't know why they didn't let you give one of the Commencement Addresses. No way yours would have sucked that bad! Man, did those speeches suck! They were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!!!

One last thing: how come youse guys didn't throw your funny hats in the air like they do in all the movies? Oh, and one more thing: next graduation, bring your phone.

p.s. does anyone know Sideshow Bob's prisoner number is? I will think you're cool if you do.

"The Cookie Told Me So!"

Well, I haven't done a post about fortune cookies in a while...nearly two weeks.

Confucius say: Now is time to invest in fortune cookie futures.

(Click on title for the shinny, and by shinny, I mean skinny)

"But First, A Look At A Local Holiday That Was Called 'Distasteful' And 'Puerile' By A Panel Of Hillbillies: Whacking Day!"

Gentlemen, start your whacking!

May 10th is Whacking Day...mark it on your calendar now and forevermore! This is one of the best Simpsons episodes ever! And the funny thing is, this stuff really goes on...in Australia, anyway. It's the one day of the year I wish I was scared of snakes so I could go out and bash their little skulls in with a clear conscience. I guess I could always do what Homer does and set up a field of practice snakes to whack. Why do so many of my goals involve Simpsons (or South Park) re-enactments? Cuz I'm so hardcore, that's why!

Like all great Simpsons episodes, "Whacking Day" has a meaningful message or two behind the laughter. The first, and most obvious one, is that it's ridiculous to do something on the sole basis that it's a tradition. You need to take an objective look at things every once in a while to see if they make sense or not. At the end of the episode, the citizens of Springfield realize that snakes are usually more helpful than not, and decide to stop whacking them. Which is nice, but lessons like these usually don't stick in the minds of Springfieldians (or other US citizens). I mean, just look who they (and we) keep electing into office.

The other great message of this episode concerns education...basically showing that many of the kids in our schools who aren't performing well (like Bart) aren't necessarily dumb or troubled; they just learn differently than the "normal kids". Free to study what interests himself and to learn in a more interactive way, Bart blossoms into a lover of learning, retaining fatcs with ease...at least until they take him back at Springfield Elementary. And shouldn't that be the real goal of an education system...to foster a love of learning? That's all you really need to do, and kids will, for the most part, do the rest by themselves. Of course, all children need a little guidance, but I think it's far more productive to assist them in pursuing their interests than in just telling them "the way things are". For example, they can learn (and more importantly, retain) math and chemistry knowledge from learing to cook and bake, or algebra and drafting from designing and building a treehouse, or civics and architechture from taking a tour of a state capitol building. The world can be one big classroom, and a love of learning can be the key to open the doors that stand between ourselves and our potential.

So, in conclusion, I think we all need to realize that we all have snakes to whack. Maybe your "snake" is shyness, or gluttony, or sluttiness. Whatever your "snake", why not use Whacking Day, May 10th, as the day you improve yourself and the world around you by the simple act of deciding to stop being such a fat, stuckup, goddamn whore?!?

p.s. If anyone can give me hints on how to get sound clips on me blog, you would totally be doing me a solid. Or, you could just buy this for me. Either way, I'd be eternally grateful and junk. For reals, yo.

"Oh My God, He's Like Some Kind Of...Non-Giving-Up...Guy!"

In a previous post, I detailed the circumstances that led my address onto the 700 Club mailing list. It was a cautionary tale, explaining the danger of the prank phone call (It's all fun and games until you get swamped with letters from Pat Robertson). In that post, I speculated that due to my lack of response to his requests that I hand over substatial amounts of cash for the express purpose of his evil-doings, that maybe he'd given up on me, but obviously I don't know Pat very well. Heeee's baaacck!

His newsletter, Frontlines (subtle, Pat, real SUBTLE), informs me of the great work the 700 Club is doing. Take Balaram, for instance, a young Indian art student who was saved from his religion. He was a staunch Hindu who "worshipped idols", until he realized how wrong 900 million people could be.

And how about Nana from Ghana? She watched the Christian Broadcast Network's cartoon SuperBook, and she prayed to God, and found the strength to change. Her profile, entitled "Young Thief Mends Her Ways", tells how how she no longer steals little pieces of meat out of the soup her mother is cooking. Now personally, I think a klepto of that magnitude is beyond help, but Pat, with his saint-like abilites, converted this young sinner into a saved soul and true believer. God bless you and that crockpot you cook this shit up in, Pat!

But by far, the best line in the newsletter was this: "Even in the Muslim world, hearts are softening to the love of the Savior!" He keeps sending me monthly pledge requests, urging me to make a "gift" towards my pledge of $240. While I haven't been giving him money, I have been mailing his prepaid envelopes back to him empty. If I continue doing this, and if he stops making any money at all, that should bankrupt him in, oh, 50 million years or so. I do love sticking it to the Man!

Anyway, he wants his $240, and he would like it now, please. Tell you what, Pat, when we meet in Hell (I'm assuming you'll be in Level 6, Heretics, along with me), I'll give it to you with interest.

¡Hola!... ¿Que Es El Dealeo?

Well, it's Cinco de Mayo, and I'm ashamed to say I have no idea what significance that date has (Is it for when Mexico won its' independence from Luxembourg?). I suppose that just makes me an average American. Why is it that with every holiday or special event that originated in a country other White Bread America (St. Patrick's Day, Octoberfest, Cinco de Mayo, etc.), instead of taking the opportunity to learn about the culture from whence it came, we just drink profusely? I mean, come on, how many people celebrating in New Orleans on Mardi Gras are off to church for Ash Wednesday? Umm, approximately none. It's just an excuse to drink and a license to be a jackass. If we're going to, say, drink green beer on St. Patty's Day, we should also be obliged to do the other things that they do to celebrate over in Ireland, like, uh...drink...ok, Ireland's a bad example.

How about the ultimate non-holiday, New Year's Eve? What special significance is there to a day chosen seemingly at random to be the end of one solar cycle? None, but what the hell, let's drink up! Society in general seems to back up the idea that it's acceptable, even encouragable (word? yes? no?), to go nuts and get drunk at these times. But why the pretense? Why not just say, "I feel like getting wasted today," without dragging a medium size yellow star or a saint's good name into it?

Now, no teatotaler am I, back in the day I was known to hoist (more than) a few. But, I don't know, it seems kind of insensitive (and, alas, American) to sully the celebrations of other cultures with our insatiable thirst for partying. We're the role model the third-world is supposed to be looking up to...what kind of example are we setting?

And I've noticed, more than a few times, we've lashed out violently when things aren't going our way. We've racked up quite a tab lately, and we've had some money problems...and those enablers United Kingdom and Australia have been egging us on the whole way. It's nothing but trouble when we get together. And we're not above back-handing our bitch Canada if she dares voice an opinion different than ours. Europe tried an intervention a while back, but we just threw chairs around the room and hollered at them, insinuating that they just couldn't handle us because we were too real.

It will take a lot of courage, but I think it's time we swallow our pride, look the rest of the world square in the eye, and say, "Hello. My name is America, and I have a problem..."

"Only Who Can Prevent Forest Fires? You Pressed YOU, Meaning Me. That Is Incorrect. The Correct Answer Is ME, Meaning You."

Oh, we tried to be tricky and devious and ambiguous, we thought we were so sneaky, but Oh Really Factor (a blog whose back I got) smoked us out! Amazing! I'm still not sure how she did it...see Syllogism (another blog whose back I got) for further details as to what the hell I'm talking about.