"...Where My Soul Will Be Chopped Into Confetti And Strewn Upon A Parade Of Murderers And Single Mothers..."

My actual quote I was going to use is from a naive young Milhouse (nothin' beats the 'house!) upset at Bart's suggestion that the soul isn't real, that it's just something the church made up: "Why would they lie?" he demanded, "What would they have to gain?"

"Ching, ching!" exclaims the good Rev. Lovejoy in the next frame. This whole excerpt popped into my head recently while I was describing to someone my recent dealings with the 700 Club. No, no; I'm not one of those people...you see...well...it's a long story.

It all begins with me flipping through the channels one day. When I go past abc family channel, I think I see that godboy Pat Robertson, and I switch back to see what he has to say, because I am evidently some sort of sadomasocist.

So he's having some sort of pledge drive and while he's talking about how nobody knows Jesus like he knows Jesus (sidebar: If Jesus really digs Pat, how great a diety could He be, anyway?), along the bottom of the screen they are scrolling the names of people who have given money and how much they've given. And then I just snapped. Some fuse in my head blew and I felt compelled to make a prank phone call for the first time in probably over 15-20 years. The transcript follows:

Melissa: "Thank you for calling the 700 Club, this is Melissa, how much would you like to donate today?" --(I think I'll start answering my home phone with a solitation for donations)

Sideshow Bob: "Before we get to that, I have a question: Will my name be shown on tv after I donate?"

M: "No." --(crap...there goes the whole premis of the prank call!)

SB: "Oh...'cause I see the names of people scrolling across the screen right below Pat Robertson..."

M: "Hold on, let me check..."[long pause] "Oh, yes, your name should show up on the screen." --( now, obviously, she checked with her supervisor, who told her to say whatever she thought would close the deal...how stupid do they think I am?!?... oh, wait, I suppose they do think I'm actually trying to give money to Pat Robertson)

SB: "I'd like to pledge $50...and you're sure my name will be on the tv?"

M: "It should."
(OH boy, here comes the big payoff!)
SB: "Great, because I want to makle sure that everyone knows what a foolish retard I am!"

And then I hung up the phone. It didn't go nearly as well and wasn't nearly as funny as I had envisioned it, but it was still a bit of fun, and that was that...or so I thought.

Barely 48 hours had passed, and what did I find in the mailbox??? Two, count 'em, two letters from the 700 Club. Both with an inspirational picture of Jesus performing miracles and offering true happiness. Both wanting money. They must have caller id! Pat Robertson, you magnificent bastard!

Over the next few weeks I got more solicitations, more inspirational reading material (w/ accompanying solicitations) and even a dvd (with a request for a donation). What was it Jesus said, "beware of those who claim to speak for me?" Something like that.