It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Saturday, May 07, 2005

"Oh My God, He's Like Some Kind Of...Non-Giving-Up...Guy!"

In a previous post, I detailed the circumstances that led my address onto the 700 Club mailing list. It was a cautionary tale, explaining the danger of the prank phone call (It's all fun and games until you get swamped with letters from Pat Robertson). In that post, I speculated that due to my lack of response to his requests that I hand over substatial amounts of cash for the express purpose of his evil-doings, that maybe he'd given up on me, but obviously I don't know Pat very well. Heeee's baaacck!

His newsletter, Frontlines (subtle, Pat, real SUBTLE), informs me of the great work the 700 Club is doing. Take Balaram, for instance, a young Indian art student who was saved from his religion. He was a staunch Hindu who "worshipped idols", until he realized how wrong 900 million people could be.

And how about Nana from Ghana? She watched the Christian Broadcast Network's cartoon SuperBook, and she prayed to God, and found the strength to change. Her profile, entitled "Young Thief Mends Her Ways", tells how how she no longer steals little pieces of meat out of the soup her mother is cooking. Now personally, I think a klepto of that magnitude is beyond help, but Pat, with his saint-like abilites, converted this young sinner into a saved soul and true believer. God bless you and that crockpot you cook this shit up in, Pat!

But by far, the best line in the newsletter was this: "Even in the Muslim world, hearts are softening to the love of the Savior!" He keeps sending me monthly pledge requests, urging me to make a "gift" towards my pledge of $240. While I haven't been giving him money, I have been mailing his prepaid envelopes back to him empty. If I continue doing this, and if he stops making any money at all, that should bankrupt him in, oh, 50 million years or so. I do love sticking it to the Man!

Anyway, he wants his $240, and he would like it now, please. Tell you what, Pat, when we meet in Hell (I'm assuming you'll be in Level 6, Heretics, along with me), I'll give it to you with interest.

12 Comments:

  • Those faux religious women on those faux news shows always wear nice business suits. If you can find out where they shop that would be so cool!

    By Blogger "AG", at Sun May 08, 06:00:00 AM 2005  

  • On a trip to Savannah with some friends a while back, while driving some VERY RURAL areas of georgia, we stubled upon a christian radio station. We listened in complete disbelief as the two old-people DJs requested people call in and donate to raise money to help people in afganistan.

    To buy food? no

    school supplies? no

    medical supplies? no



    bibles. they wanted to send bibles to afganistan. so...they could...eat them? or they would forget that they lived in an impovershed, war-torn country and were starving and instead read the bible (in english, of course, cause english is the language of the Lord, praise God) and then Find Jesus and The Truth and The Way.

    The whole thing just made no sense.

    Anyway, if I could have found a way to mess with them, I would have. But a few hours later we were all in a house at the beach and very very drunk, so I never found out if they got the bibles to afganistan. I sincerely hope they didn't.

    By Blogger evilsciencechick, at Sun May 08, 06:20:00 PM 2005  

  • Amen, ESC!

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Sun May 08, 07:00:00 PM 2005  

  • My ex-husband made the mistake of sending a $5 donation to disabled vets or kids with cancer (I forget which), and for the past year I have been inundated with personalized address labels. They can really stop sending them anytime now...

    By Blogger Maria, at Sun May 08, 11:12:00 PM 2005  

  • Pat Robertson is a shriveled up old dick! He's saying now that liberal judges are the biggest threat to this country and that they are worse than the bastards that flew into the Twin Towers.

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Sun May 08, 11:26:00 PM 2005  

  • duh, Sylvana, didn't you know that 9/11 was caused by lesbians and liberals?

    I thought everyone knew that!

    (bwaha! "shriveled up old dick!")

    By Blogger evilsciencechick, at Mon May 09, 08:00:00 AM 2005  

  • I once heard of people stuffing those Business reply envelopes to make them as heavy as possible since the reciptient needs to pay the postage. It might behoove you to mail random, and hopefully demonic, crap back to that shriveled up old dick :D.

    By Blogger Shannon, at Mon May 09, 08:46:00 AM 2005  

  • So let me get this straight, SSBob: Your wife was worried about revealing your identities online but you willingly gave your address and phone number to the 700 Club??? I'd be WAY more worried about the Jesus People than any Internet stalkers, but that's just me. You know they sell those address lists to direct mail houses, right? They have to make money to send Bibles to Afghanistan somehow.

    In response to Shannon's suggestion, you should send him all the AOL CD's you get for the next month.

    By Blogger ORF, at Mon May 09, 01:41:00 PM 2005  

  • ORF...
    First of all; you kept telling me I needed to figure out how to put links in my text, which I did in this very post, and you don't even mention it? What's up with that?

    Number "B"; if you'd taken the time to read the links I put in the text, you'd have read that I never gave up any personal info to them...they must have caller id or something...

    And fourthly; that is a great suggestion. Maybe I'll break the CDs into jagged little shards before I mail them out, because that, I think, is what Jesus would do.

    Shannon- thanks for the tip...the whole weight issue never even occured to me.

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Mon May 09, 02:37:00 PM 2005  

  • Bob, I did in fact notice the links but admit to being negligent in acknowledging them. My humblest apologies.

    In closing, you are still funny.

    p.s. I did read the original post, but when you originally posted it and did not take the time to review it and so forgot that they totally caught you with their caller ID. I think they learned that trick from Dominoe's pizza. (Speaking of which, did anyone see SNL this weekend and that bit w/ "The Donald" hawking "Dominios"??? HA!) It always used to freak me out when I'd call and they'd be like, you live at 123 Deer Kill Lane, right? and I'd be like HOLY CRAP!!! Yes, we'd like a pepperoni and some bread sticks, thanks.

    By Blogger ORF, at Mon May 09, 04:13:00 PM 2005  

  • Junk mail is just his way of telling you how very much he loves you. In fact, that's true of all direct mailing houses.

    That's why I get a weekly victoria's secret catalog. Because they love me.

    A man can dream, can't he?

    By Blogger Johnny Virgil, at Tue May 10, 06:05:00 AM 2005  

  • Yeah, their "hearts are softening", but their vision is narrowing, their tolerance is waning and their bank accounts are draining.

    There should be a special kind of hell for Mr. Robertson. And in it, you guessed it, re-runs of ALF 24X7.

    By Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan, at Tue May 10, 07:31:00 AM 2005  

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