It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

"Let's See, 414 Verses In The Book Of Revelations, Divide By The Number Of People At The Last Supper, Subtract The Number Of Filipinos In The Bible.."

Doh! I got tagged! I'm assuming that the Playground Conventions are in effect here and tag-backs are a no-no.

These be the rules, ye scurvy dogs,
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

A little more math than I'd prefer, but oh well, here's mine:
"I was as comfortable as I'd been in a long time...except I sorta had to pee."

I ask you, dear readers, where can you find such relevant and captivating material that isn't on Sirius satellite radio?

Let's see, who should I finger? Hmmm...

Maria, you have been seriously slacking blog-wise lately, so you are fingered!

Shannon, woman, thou art fingered!

Courtney, fingered!

Dr. Max, you will also be getting the finger.

And of course, I have to finger my beloved.

That "fingering" thing sure wore thin quick, didn't it?

"Like My Mother Always Said, You've Got To Stick It Out, Even If You Picked The Loser...To The Bitter End."

Good luck on your little speech tonight Mr. President...5th time's the charm!

ps-This year, don't forget to shred the evidence that might come back to haunt you. Isn't that what Rove gets paid for?

Sunday, January 29, 2006

"Ah, The Luftwaffe...The Washington Generals Of The History Channel."

Mmmm...Luftwaffles....uh, sorry, where was I?

We went up north to visit Sylvana's parents last weekend. I love going up north because that means big feasts and cable television and beautiful scenery. And cable television...did I mention that we don't have cable anymore? In general, I think it was a sound decision to cut the cable, both financially and in terms of quality of life. We no longer laze around on the couch for hours watching unadulterated crap.

But sometimes I miss my cable...

On Saturday night I watched the History Channel, great stuff on the history of the US space program. Then there was some stuff on the history of prophets, from the Oracle at Delphi to Edgar Cayce. And, of course, the obligatory footage of Nazis getting their comeuppance. Oh, I was in nerd heaven!

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

"You Say That So Often It's Lost All Meaning."

Although I really, really, really don't like the crass commercialization of music that goes hand-in-hand with the American Idol franchise, I still can get some enjoyment out of watching it. At least until the auditions are over. Like all good-hearted people, I love to watch a train wreck. I would take a William Hung CD over a Clay Aiken or Carrie Underwear..oops...Underwood any day.

Note to Simon Cowell: Everyone can't all be the worst, most awful performance you've ever heard. Maybe you need to work on your schtick in the offseason. And try to keep Paula off the sauce. On second thought, keep her drunk all the time. A sober Paula is a boring Paula.

Friday, January 20, 2006

"Second Comes Right After First!"

Happy 76th Birthday, Buzz Aldrin!

In an era full of undeserving popular heroes (such as atheltes, Billionaire media emperors and presidents), we are lucky to still have a real hero still among us. Buzz went into space back when going into space really meant something. Like the "Miracle on Ice" 1980 USA hockey team, Buzz gave us all something to be proud of, and it was a joyful pride of triumph, not the subdued pride you feel these days when the US Olympic Hockey Team skates circles around Belarus. What ever happened to Mike Eruzione, by the way? ...I digress...

Buzz is the only astronaut ever to be on the Simpsons, and has one of the better lines ever uttered on the series. When Homer rips open a bag of potato chips and they float all over the space shuttle, Buzz bats at them with his hands, yelling, "Careful...they're ruffled!" Big ups for my man...motherf@*#er actually walked on the effin' moon! How cool is that?

And why the eff did Blogger put a hyperlink on "man...motherf@*#er"? Can't a motherf#%@er write motherf@#*er anymore? Buzz is sad for America today...

Monday, January 16, 2006

"Don't Worry Head. The Computer Will Do Our Thinking Now."

Arrrggg...writer's block...composer's's despondency...scribe's hoplessness...lexicographer's dejection...I got 'em all.

I also have a thesaurus.

And a headache...

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

"I Am Not Smarter Than The President"

Seriously folks, what with the sweet royalties he must be sucking up with all the Bushisms and all the sweet royalties he must be sucking up with all the no-bid contracts, Bush is rich. RICH!!! I tell you! That doesn't make him smarter than you or I, but it does make him better, and that makes the great unwashed public think that he's smarter. But I come here to praise Ceasar, not bury...wait..uh...well...ummm...*awkward moment of staring into space*..., I won't get fooled again!

Where Bush's true genius lies is in his sense of humor. The sheer comic adeptitude he displays, the timing and the delivery. He can go intellectual with his devilishly clever word play, or just do good old fashioned slapstick. I love that bit he does where he falls of the bike. Classic!

I used to think that neo-cons had no sense of humor, now I realize they're maybe just a little ahead of their time. Some day we'll all look back at this time and laugh and laugh and laugh. Or ululate...whatever.

Friday, January 06, 2006

"Jesus Must Be Spinning In His Grave!"

Why, oh god in heaven, why does anyone listen to anything Pat Robertson has to say? He blamed 9/11 on homosexuals and single mothers, called for the assassination of a foreign head of state (though in his defense, he later claimed he merely wanted him kidnapped and roughed up), and now says God gave Sharon a massive stroke because he gave disputed land to Palestinians. And we all know that Israel has to be kept together so that it can be wiped off the face of the earth when Jesus comes back. The Israelis must feel comforted to know that they have someone so concerned about them.

I really don't understand why someone who solicits little old ladies to sign over their Social Security checks over to him in return for a ticket to Heaven, who exploited the mineral resources of struggling African countries under the guise of "humanitarian relief" (thereby stoking the fires of civil war in those countries), who blamed Hurricane Katrina on Ellen Degeneres and who thinks that teletubbies are turning all our children gay is being given any credence, or even attention for that matter. I would have to believe that Britney Spears, and possibly even Bush would have more intelligent things to say on the subject of world events.

Pat and I go way back, of course (I'm still getting propoganda from the bastard). A few Christmases ago, our boy brought info for something called "Operation Blessing" home from school. The pamphlet requested that we fill a shoebox full of small toys, school supplies and hygene products such as toothbrushes and combs, and then give it to "Operation Blessing", who would then pass it on to African families in need. We had the shoebox all filled with beanie babies, pop rocks and floss, all ready to go, when we decided to do some research on "Operation Blessing". I can't remember specifically why, but the pamphlet seemed suspiciously vauge when it came to the details. Sure enough, we looked it up and after some googling and digging, we found out old Pat ran the thing. The shoebox is still in our closet...I'll be damned if Pat Robertson puts my pop rocks in his pie-hole...hmm, that sounded weird, but you get what I mean.

ps- please visit my snowman blog. Thanks!