It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

"We Played Dungeons & Dragons For 3 Hours, Then I Was Slain By An Elf."

In a move that has resulted a cacophony of rejoicing emanating from parent's basements across the country, Dungeons and Dragons has entered the digital age and is now available for online play!

I first heard this news on the radio last night when they interviewed the creator of D&D, Gary Gygax from his home in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin (On, Wisconsin!). Sounding eerily like a 45 year old Milhouse, Mr Gygax expressed his surprise and pleasure at how widespread the game had become.

Of course, purists will say that you can have their graph paper and multi-sided dice when you pry them from their cold, dead hands. Of course, purists have no life, and their hands are usually kind of cold and clammy anyway.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

"My Mighty Heart Is Breaking...I'll Be In The Humvee."

In case you feel like your SUV just isn't releasing enough noxious fumes into the atmosphere...

Now for sale at Macy's and other fine retailers. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I can only hope that if you buy this crap you go on some sort of list. Or get your very own circle of Hell.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

"Well, It Doesn't Take A Bart Simpson To See That Something's Wrong Here."

If you know the Simpsons, the quote above will make sense. And if you don't, well then the hell witcha!

Anyhoo, I got this test from Irb over at his blog, I can't believe it's not butter, YOU GODDAMN LIAR!!!, the name of which cracks me up every single time I say or even think it. And, as I suspected, I am a super-genius...

I am the kind of guy who can be very smart, but I'm not above being so lost in thought that I fall into an open manhole...wipe that smirk off your face and get your mind out of the gutter, sicko. Manhole is not dirty, it's a perfectly cromulent word...

Saturday, February 18, 2006

"I'm Soaring...Soaring Majestically Like A Candy Wrapper Caught In An Updraft!"

I love this reminds me of the scene in American Beauty where the plastic bag is caught in an eddy. Very zen.

I would like to pose a question, one that Sy and I have discused (and disagreed upon): would you rather have a million dollars or be able to fly? Choose wisely...

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

"I Choo-Choo-Choose You!"

Dear readers,

Won't you be my Valentine?


I already got one, suckers! Nyah, nyah.

No, seriously, you guys are great, don't change.

Just for you guys, here's some print 'n' trade Valentine's Day cards, featuring strong, crazy women (just my type):

Seriously, did you see the footage of Bjork going after that reporter? Sexy!

Have you heard Fiona's latest record? Genius!

Is Tori playing nude? Weird!

Ah, here's my favorite! Happy Valentime's Day, sweetie!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

"Welcome To Dick Cheney's America."

Our VP is the rootinest, tootinest, pollutinest, shootinest second in command in the world. He makes all of the many, many, many second-in-commands in al Qaeda look like lily-hugging, underpants-wearing, bath-taking girl scouts.

Like I always say, guns don't kill people, karma just likes to fuck with things in deliciously ironic ways.

ps- don't mess with Texas.

"Oh, Will This Be The Year For My Beloved Blue-Shirts?"

The NFC beat the AFC this year in the Pro Bowl.


Friday, February 10, 2006

"You Have The Right To Remain Sexy."

I was making a phone call from the kitchen, setting up an appointment for a massage for my sweetie (hold for applause...thank you, thank you), when I heard the TV from the living room. Cops was on, and apparently some subject who is considered innocent until proven guilty was resisting arrest on camera.

As I went through the particulars of setting up the appointment, gunfires, sirens and shouting erupted in the background. Then came a dog, barking his head off. Christ, what the poor woman on the other end of the phone must be thinking. Then it got worse.

The cops finally caught the fugitive, and a struggle ensued. Is anyone aware that the sound of cops and fugitives struggling sounds exactly like two (or more) people screwing? Panting and gasping, sceaming "get off me!" and "put your hands where I can see 'em!"

I'm sure the massage lady was relieved when she learned the appointment was for my wife and not me...

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

"I Asked You Not To Whistle That Annoying Song Anymore!"

Now you don't have to whistle...just click on this link and you'll know the words...

Sunday, February 05, 2006

"Woo Hoo!!!!!!"

One for the thumb!!!

Yay Steelers!!!!

Thursday, February 02, 2006

"Have No Fear, The Sphere Is Here!"

The Shannonosphere, that is. She's coming back
to the Land O' Sitcoms (Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, That 70's Show, Step By Step (although we don't like to take credit for that last one)). And me and Sy cain't wait to meet her. And because we too suffer from abulia, we've already begun researching places to eat.

Specific details on our meeting are very fuzzy at this point, but when we do meet, I should be easy to spot...just look for this guy, Shannon---------->

"If You Want To Go To Hell You Should Take A Trip To The Sodom And Gomorrah On The Mississip."

I hate to kick a city while it's down, especially a chocolate city, because I have much love and compassion for those that The Man conspires to keep down. But apparently God does not. I mean, what the eff is up with New Orleans?

First they had Katrina, next "Brownie" and now tornadoes...poor bastards. What's next, locusts? Will the Mississippi River turn to blood? Will human/animal hybrids run amuck at the next Mardi Gras? If so, will anyone notice?

Even the Hornets would rather play in Oklahoma than New Orleans. OKLAHOMA, for chrissakes! I've lived in Oklahoma and unless you have a passion for dry, unfertile red clay or making out with you cousin (swear to god I've seen it), I can't recommend visiting. In fact, I think I'd rather be in New Orleans...