It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

"Do Your Stuff Magic Learning Juice!"

Ugh, I'm so sick of being sick. And hear me now kids; drinking copious amounts of cough syrup doesn't make you cool or hip or a really swell fellow. It doesn't give you smarts (street or book), and it doesn't give you super powers, no matter how convincing that little green elf is when he tells you that you can breathe underwater. Cough syrup has robbed me of my faculties, so much so that I'm not sure if this sentence makes any sense, although Myron, my little elf friend, ensures me it is all "really smashing stuff".

No, Nyquil can't solve all your problems, heck, it is barely able to even deliver on it's "so you can get to rest" pledge. It does, however, make TV funnier. Now where the hell is my remote? I'm so sick of Myron and his bullsh*t!

Seriously, thanks for all the well-wishes from everyone. It's not as bad as I'm making it seem, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure I'll be fine in just a couple more days. That's what Myron keeps telling me anyways.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

"In The Wild, They Would Never Experience Boredom, Obesity, Loss Of Purpose...You Know, The American Dream."

Oh my god, I have been so sick this week, so please bear with me here. I'm thinking it's the bird flu, so tomorrow I will get my fill not only of turkey, but of sweet vengence as well. That's right Mr.'s Thanksgiving, and this time it's personal. I have had such trouble getting any quality sleep the past few days that I long for the release that tryptophan will bring me. I know I'm rambling and switching subjects mid-paragraph and such, this post is brought to you by the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so you can get a couple hours of fitful unpleasant sleep medicine. This article is funny and I can't do it justice right now, except to say that I laugh at the people who paid good money for a first class plane ticket on a cross country flight only to sit next to a couple of loud and smelly turkeys, and if there is a God, those first class passengers will all have allergies and ties to PETA.

Friday, November 18, 2005

"Quick...Follow Him! He's Heading Towards The Old Mill!"

Actually, I'm headed over here, to my red-headed step-blog. Seriously, if this blog were a kid, I'd be posting from the pokey, locked up for gross neglect. That's the good thing about electronic dependents, no one cares how abusive you are towards them. Where was I going? Oh yeah, here.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

"I Know...I'll Just Make Up Some News!"

On The Price Is Right on Friday, a young Marine lieutenant made his way on down to Bargain Row (oh yeah, I know TPIR lingo), then won his way onstage next to Bob, where he won a Toyota Avalon and a Chrysler Pacifica, got $10,000 for landing on $1 in the first Showcase Showdown, then won both showcases by being less than $1000 off on his showcase bid, then had his pick of any two Barker's Beauties to take backstage for twenty minutes, no questions asked. And all on Veteran's Day, no less.

OK, actually he lost a Ford Focus, then went on to lose in the first Showcase Showdown and went home empty handed, except for the worthless crap he won on Bargain Row, which included salad tongs and antacid. Somehow, not as satisfying of an ending...I was so pulling for him! There's no better way to thank veterans than with valuable cash and prizes.

Thank you, vets! And please forgive the lateness of this post...

Thursday, November 10, 2005

"Uhh, Can You Help Me With My Thumbs?"

Sy and I were watching This Old House tonight. There was a portion of the show where they were showing how to repair a wheelbarrow wheel. Apparently, the trick is to expand the hole, then heat it up with a soldering iron or something, then stick in a sticky rubber/tar plug.

They went in for a close-up shot of the process, at which point simultaneous wails of disgust and revulsion echoed through our home. As the shot came in tight so we could see everything, we could see that the dude doing the tire repair had apparently damn near ripped his damn thumbnail off earlier...they should really warn you before showing that stuff. Same deal with that damn thing shilling for the anti-toenail fungus medication, where he actually lifts the nail off the toe. What sick bastard came up with that?

From now on, how about if we leave fingernail carnage to the folks at Gitmo, where at least, thank God, there are no cameras to capture the revulsion.

"I Bet No One's Ever Written A Novel About Whaling!"

Ugh...I just can't find anything entertaining in the least to post. Now that my time has been freed up, I've sunk into this sort of blogatory malaise.

And I've come to the conclusion that irony is much better appreciated from a distance.

Anyways, seeing as it's National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, I've decided to take a stab at that, at least until something shiny and/or noisy catches my attention. Now all's I needs is a story...maybe something about whaling, or a guy who looks after a hotel in the mountains and eventually goes crazy and tries to kill his family, or maybe something about the lives of people during Russia's war with Napoleon. I don't know...I'll figure something out.


Friday, November 04, 2005

"Deep Down Inside You Secretly Long For A Cold-Hearted Republican To Lower Taxes, Brutalize Criminals, And Rule You Like A King!"

That's it...Like so much rat from a sinking ship, I'm through with these outdated concepts such as understanding, compassion, principles, morality and the like. My American flag is just no longer patriotic enough...I need to write shit on it about how much I support the troops, and how much you, by comparison, with your cute little unadulterated flag, don't. It will be so nice to actually win an election...for once.

Yep, whether it's destroying a fragile environment (while simultaneously ignoring the Big Picture of our nation's energy problems), slashing benefits for the most vulnerable of our society, or just good old fashioned draconian public policy...damn it feels good to be a Neo-con!!!

Now where's some puppies that I can kick?

And which way to Wal*Mart?