It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Sunday, July 31, 2005

"By The Way, I'm Aware Of The Irony Of Appearing On TV In Order To Decry It, So Don't Bother Pointing That Out."

National PC Turn-off Week starts August 1st, and runs through....hmmm....let's see...carry the one....and we get...oh, August 8th. Much like the TV turn-off week thing that it's ripping off, the organizers want to bring awareness to the fact that our children are a bunch of lazy fat-asses. So, in the spirit of "doing it for the children", you will most likely not be viewing any new posts from me that week. Of course, seeing as how I've been averaging a post about every 8-9 days lately, you might not notice anything out of the ordinary.

If you take the time to clink (that's short for "click on the link") in the title above, you will be directed to, where you can learn all kinds of junk. The first thing you will likely notice is that the first paragraph describing's mission cuts off rather abruptly (must be getting an early start)(unless it just my computer acting up's such a parkster!). But the best part of the site is down at the end of the sidebar, a little sub-window titled "PC Turn-off Recommends...". Go down to the very bottom, to the last suggestion....priceless! I only pray you're doing this before the 1st or after the 8th, otherwise, you, sir, are worse than Hitler.

Seriously, if we don't curtail all the computer and TV time, when will our kids have time to enjoy the simple things we did as kids, such as smoking and irresponsible sex? Think about it!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

"Why Do You Hate America? Is It The Freedom?"

My neighbor, who, despite the fact that he has W stickers plastered on all of his vehicles, is a really nice guy, replaced his old, worn, tattered, faded flag about a month ago. I was sorry to see it go, as I really like the look of an old seems so evocative of the inspiring early days of our country. I noticed the new flag one bright, sunny morning, and was about to just go about with my daily business, when something made me do a double-take. The new flag seemed to have some kind of junk or debris on it. For one or two seconds I was puzzling over what the hell it was, then a timely breeze unfurled the new, improved Old Glory. WTF?!?, I thought. I was appalled. You're not supposed to write on the flag!!!

How insane have things gotten when we have to resort to desecrating the flag in order to prove how patriotic we are? What's next, corporate sponsorships emblazened across the Stars and Stripes? "Your right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, brought to you by Chili's and Home Depot; you can enjoy your freedom, we can help."

If I throw up in disgust at the idea that now a citizen's love for his/her country can no longer be assumed, but must be proven by ever more gaudy expressions, and then use a tattered old flag to clean up the patriotic bile I have discharged, does that earn me the title "Most Patriotic Insignificant Citizen In Fly-Over Land"? ...Or should I trade it all for what's behind Door Number 3? would probably be that damn goat again. I don't want to go throught all the trouble of dressing up like a giant taco, only to make the wrong decision and look like an idiot...ok, I've got to turn off the reruns of Let's Make A Deal and focus.

Now I've lost my momentum, so let me just sum up by saying if you want to be patriotic, join the services and go desecrate some other nation's flags. Don't tread on me!

p.s. I'll look into the popups...eventually. Until then, just try to realise that popups are the internet's way of saying it loves you.

Monday, July 25, 2005

"Aye, Sir...Ya Bath-Takin', Underpants-Wearin', Lily-Hugger!"

RIP Jimmy Doohan...I realize it's a little late, but I mourning? Yeah, I was in mourning.

Star Trek was a staple in my TV diet when I was growing up, because my dad loved that show. I can certainly enjoy the whole campiness of it, but dad was a hardcore sci-fi geek, and still is, I suppose. Anyway, Scotty was, by far, my favorite character. My ears would peak up at the first sound of the forced Scottish brogue. I'd get the same warm, fuzzy feeling I get when I hear Willie or Mr. Burns or my namesake on The Simpsons. Mmmmmmmm....warm fuzzy.

Did you know that Scotty never once said, "Captain, the engines cannought take nay more!" on Star Trek? I heard that on NPR this weekend, and while it is not as fair and balanced a news source as some others, I find they're generally dependable.

So take some time to pour a little out of your forty onto the curb in Scotty's memory, if you haven't already. He would for you.

Gotta go now, my grandparents are in town!

p.s. While I was composing this post a work, my boss came up to me and told me I had to do someone else's work today,in addition to my own, and I said the above quote to him, and I thought, why, that's a good one to use for Scotty!

Sunday, July 17, 2005

"We Thought You Was One Of Those Hot-To-Trot Soccer Moms."

To paraphrase the NRA, SUVs aren't the problem, it's the people who drive SUVs. Just the other day, as I was driving to work (I live about a mile or two away), I encountered two of the muttonheads.

The first was some lady driving a Ford F-you, or Escape, or whatever. We were heading towards each other, she was turning right, I was turning left. She got to the street that we were turning onto several seconds before I did, but I still had to wait for seemingly ever for her to actually complete her turn. I guess she was so worried about her fabulous vehicle flipping over at the slightest provocation that she felt the need to come to a rolling stop before she actually executed her turn. I then followed her up a slight incline for three blocks, travelling at about 15 instead of the posted 25 mph, when she slowed down even more. Just as I was about to honk, she slowly, ever so slowly, executes a left turn. The most precious part was when, about 3/4 of the way through the turn, she puts on her blinker. Yeah, thanks sweetheart, we pretty much had all figured out you were turning by that point. But good to know you're not having a stroke, thanks for keeping us updated!

Once I had left that idiot in my seething dust, I continued down the street. I noticed another big ass SUV heading down the road towards me...seriously, right at me. This street is fairly major, as far as small town streets go, and there were cars parked on both sides of the road. So, the lady in the big SUV feels she has to travel directly in the center of the street, which would be fine, except I kind of needed the part of the road she was on. This situation happens all the time to me, and I am sick of having to pull within millimeters of the parked cars just to avoid a head on collision with one of these buffoons, which is what I had to do in this particular instance.

I am so sick of these incompetent drivers buying vehicles way too big for them to handle. So sick of these morons taking up their parking space, plus the one to the left of them, plus the one in front of them, plus the one to the left of the one in front of them. So sick of them running over their precious little Dakota, or Tyler, or Brianna, or Ashliegh, or Kaiytlyn. I mean really, what is with those names? Note to suburbanites, spelling a traditional name in a different and stupid way is not original. All you're doing is condemning your kid to a lifetime of having to spell their name to people, and then having to re-spell and re-spell it over and over again to the point where everyone involved regrets that anyone asked your stupid kid what their name was in the first place. Oh, I appear to have wandered off subject there. Where was I....oh yes, stupid SUV drivers.

I think this kind of nonsense could be kept to a minimum if only they had a special driver's license for SUVs, one where you actually had to pass a road test in one. Because, the fact is, they handle really quite differently from a regular car. The way we have it now, what you get is, any idiot who can get a driver's license (which are way, way, way too easy to pass...but that's perhaps another rant/post) finds their way behind the wheel of an SUV, and then proceeds to promptly flip it over, killing everybody but themselves, because these retards never die. And SUV drivers wonder why everyone is so hostile towards them...

If I were in charge, all the non-violent potheads would be out wasting their lives away in front of their TVs and supporting our fast-food based economy, and all the soccer moms would be in their detention centers, digging holes with plastic spoons to place their goddamn Suburban Uber-idiot Vehicles in. And I'd have one of those PSPs, too. That would be cool. for me! I promise SUV drivers off our roads and a PSP in every pair of hands! You have nothing to lose but your road rage!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

"Yes, This Is Exactly The Kind Of Trickery I'm Paying You For."

Character Assassi-nation: a tribute to karl rove.

Have you seen his sausage-fingers? Those are the fingers of a child molester. I'm not saying he is one, just that he has one of the telltale signs.

Why is Bush so enamored with this guy? Is he that bad a judge of character? That's pretty scary...

His is the deepest hick/schmoe intrusion into the world of federal government since Billy Carter. Seriously, guys like this should sell used cars, not influence US foreign policy.

Does everybody know the story of the "bugging incident"? He planted a bug in his office, and then blamed it on his opponent. Instead of calling the cops after the "discovery", he called a press conference. This guy's about as much of a pro as the Watergate burglars. karl "Bungle" rove.

Bush said that he'd fire anyone found responsible for the outing of the CIA operative....His daddy said he wouldn't raise taxes, too. But, in fairness, maybe George Sr. was a little distracted by the massive amounts of coke his son was consuming.

How much fun will it be to see this pig sweat over all this? A press conference would be awesome! Please, God, make hime cry! make him cry! I am a very forgiving and tolerant person. Seriously, ask Sylvana, everyone thinks I'm nice and fair and pleasant. But I want to see this pig slow roasting on a spit. This is my dream luau!

I say if you fall off a bicycle three times, you can't be President anymore.'s beginning to make us all look bad. Are terrorists sabotaging them? "The bicycles hate us for our freedom!"

Am I the only one who thinks that karl rove is kneeling down behind the podium at Bush speeches and press conferences? What else explains the bizarre facial expressions he so inappropriately displays? Did you know that by putting a question mark at the end of a sentence, you can communicate a falsehood without technically lying? Did you know that karl rove's thirst for power and sociopathic disregard for other people would likely make him, statistically speaking, sexually excited at the very thought of the no-lie lie?

darth rove.

karl rove issued a statement today: "D'oh!"

What a douchebag...

Monday, July 04, 2005

"I Can't Believe We Paid To See A Band Featuring Calista Flockhart, Steve Guttenberg and Farty The Crippled Robot!"

Fight the Power! I never thought I'd see the day that South Park would be shown on network TV! But starting this Fall, they'll be showing it on the duba-duba-WB, which I think technically qualifies as a network...barely.

It's so refreshing to see this! Ever since that stupid Super Bowl halftime show, where everyone freaked out over something no one actually saw, things have been slanting a little pious in the world of broadcast media censorship; Congress had even threatened to look into having FCC rules apply to pay's another abbreviation...WTF?!? I can't watch the shows I'm shelling out over $50 a month for?

And speaking of that halftime show, as I was in a disjointed sort of way, did everyone notice who got the heat for that? The black woman, of course. It certainly couldn't have been the fault of the white boy who tore her shirt off! No, once again the white male gets off pretty lightly, all things's called institutional racism; anyone with empathy can see it.

And on another topic, yet still related to the Super Bowl halftime show, what kind of loser watches that? That's the time for potty breaks, stretching the legs, getting more food and drink, beating your loved ones...stuff like that. I do have to admit the show with U2 after 9/11 was actually very well done, and I loved it when Ashlee Simpson got booed. I could watch that every day!

Anyways, yay! Satire lives on network TV, which is all I have now (see previous posts for more info)(I'll stop mentioning it soon, I swear). The forces of boredom and somberness have been defeated, if only for a brief moment. Celebrate! Say "Fuck-fuckity-fuck-fuck" to someone you love today!

p.s. Above is the only Simpson's quote there is regarding South Park, so that's what you get.