It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Sunday, July 17, 2005

"We Thought You Was One Of Those Hot-To-Trot Soccer Moms."

To paraphrase the NRA, SUVs aren't the problem, it's the people who drive SUVs. Just the other day, as I was driving to work (I live about a mile or two away), I encountered two of the muttonheads.

The first was some lady driving a Ford F-you, or Escape, or whatever. We were heading towards each other, she was turning right, I was turning left. She got to the street that we were turning onto several seconds before I did, but I still had to wait for seemingly ever for her to actually complete her turn. I guess she was so worried about her fabulous vehicle flipping over at the slightest provocation that she felt the need to come to a rolling stop before she actually executed her turn. I then followed her up a slight incline for three blocks, travelling at about 15 instead of the posted 25 mph, when she slowed down even more. Just as I was about to honk, she slowly, ever so slowly, executes a left turn. The most precious part was when, about 3/4 of the way through the turn, she puts on her blinker. Yeah, thanks sweetheart, we pretty much had all figured out you were turning by that point. But good to know you're not having a stroke, thanks for keeping us updated!

Once I had left that idiot in my seething dust, I continued down the street. I noticed another big ass SUV heading down the road towards me...seriously, right at me. This street is fairly major, as far as small town streets go, and there were cars parked on both sides of the road. So, the lady in the big SUV feels she has to travel directly in the center of the street, which would be fine, except I kind of needed the part of the road she was on. This situation happens all the time to me, and I am sick of having to pull within millimeters of the parked cars just to avoid a head on collision with one of these buffoons, which is what I had to do in this particular instance.

I am so sick of these incompetent drivers buying vehicles way too big for them to handle. So sick of these morons taking up their parking space, plus the one to the left of them, plus the one in front of them, plus the one to the left of the one in front of them. So sick of them running over their precious little Dakota, or Tyler, or Brianna, or Ashliegh, or Kaiytlyn. I mean really, what is with those names? Note to suburbanites, spelling a traditional name in a different and stupid way is not original. All you're doing is condemning your kid to a lifetime of having to spell their name to people, and then having to re-spell and re-spell it over and over again to the point where everyone involved regrets that anyone asked your stupid kid what their name was in the first place. Oh, I appear to have wandered off subject there. Where was I....oh yes, stupid SUV drivers.

I think this kind of nonsense could be kept to a minimum if only they had a special driver's license for SUVs, one where you actually had to pass a road test in one. Because, the fact is, they handle really quite differently from a regular car. The way we have it now, what you get is, any idiot who can get a driver's license (which are way, way, way too easy to pass...but that's perhaps another rant/post) finds their way behind the wheel of an SUV, and then proceeds to promptly flip it over, killing everybody but themselves, because these retards never die. And SUV drivers wonder why everyone is so hostile towards them...

If I were in charge, all the non-violent potheads would be out wasting their lives away in front of their TVs and supporting our fast-food based economy, and all the soccer moms would be in their detention centers, digging holes with plastic spoons to place their goddamn Suburban Uber-idiot Vehicles in. And I'd have one of those PSPs, too. That would be cool. for me! I promise SUV drivers off our roads and a PSP in every pair of hands! You have nothing to lose but your road rage!


  • Now, now, calm down. What I dislike most about SUVs is that they block my vision. If I'm following behind one, I have no idea what's going on ahead. A new type of trench warfare could have spontaneously erupted and I wouldn't have a clue. If I get sandwiched between two SUVs in a parking lot, then I have a hard time seeing to back out of the parking space. I don't need le stress.

    But where I live -- an area in which "adult communities" outnumber, what, nonadult housing -- it's the "invisible" driver who terrifies me the most. You never see a body with a head behind the wheel; you only see two hands. (Kinda sounds like an Edgar Allen Poe story.)

    By Blogger Grace, at Mon Jul 18, 12:33:00 AM 2005  

  • i hate when people slow down to make a turn 1/2 mile ahead of them....that is what the turn lane is for, slowing down....people like that make me miss the light all the time which just pisses me off even more....

    By Blogger Randi, at Mon Jul 18, 09:23:00 AM 2005  

  • Has anyone ever noticed how poorly SUV's handle? My dad and I drive down to NC at least once a year in his Ford Explorer and I freaking HATE driving that car! My palms start to sweat when a truck goes by.

    And speaking of things one needs a license to operate, if people also had to be licensed to procreate, then there'd be a lot fewer SUVs on the road since having a baby seems to make people feel entitled to owning a 4WD gas-guzzler to drive around South Florida. This would also help curb that poorly spelled naming epidemic you mentioned, Bob. I'm just sayin'...

    By Blogger ORF, at Mon Jul 18, 10:00:00 AM 2005  

  • I hate stupid people and SUVs. Dangerous mix.


    especially next to me! forcing me to enter through the passenger side into my LEGITIMATELY TINY FORD ESCORT. 2 DOOR!!!

    one time it was so bad, I actually took out my note pad and a pen, wrote "LEARN HOW TO PARK, ASSHAT!" and put it on their windshield.

    anyway, driving and parking lessons for anyone driving anything bigger than a jeep. I learned how to drive on a 10 passenger GMC rally van when I was 16 - IT'S NOT THAT DIFFICULT, PEOPLE!

    < /end all caps frothy ranting >

    By Blogger evilsciencechick, at Mon Jul 18, 02:45:00 PM 2005  

  • The only thing I hate more than an SUV is an SUV driver.

    By Blogger tetricus, at Mon Jul 18, 06:06:00 PM 2005  

  • I hate those people. I hate em! I so write notes and stick them on their car telling them how much I hate them. I really love it when they can't aven manage to pull all the way into a parking spot. They get halfway in then just give up. Their ass sticking out into the parking lot aisle so no one can get through. And I hate the names they give their kids. And I hate their kids. And I hate their dogs- oh yeah, even their dogs are assholes.

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Mon Jul 18, 08:22:00 PM 2005  

  • LOL! Are you sure you're not driving in SLC? We have tons of SUVS because of the out-of-control breeding by stupid people. Also annoying: huge pickup trucks with huge lifts that belch black smoke whenever you touch the gas pedal. I really don't feel like inhaling somebody's exhaust.

    By Blogger Maria, at Mon Jul 18, 10:30:00 PM 2005  

  • Argh. SUVs are horrible, and it's even worse when people buy them because they want a big, "safe" vehicle. THere are three SUVs which never cease to piss me off by there mere existance:

    1) Cadillac Escalade (I have to deal with an asshole in one of these everyday)
    2)Any and all Hummers (ever notice any dirt on these all terrain behemoths?)
    3)Porche Cayenne...WTF??

    I also hate those huge pick up trucks without an ounce of dirt owned by people who don't need a pick up truck.

    By Blogger Shannon, at Tue Jul 19, 08:37:00 AM 2005  

  • I came across your blog while 'blog surfing' it looks pretty funny.
    Now on to the rant about SUV's...
    I guess it all comes down to that motto that the convienence store 7-11 used years ago 'Freedom of Choice'
    Yes, Freedom of Choice. Can you tell I drive a SUV? I will drive whatever vehicle I choose to. And yes it hauls my kid around. I feel safer in it too, who is going to tail a huge SUV? Who in their right mind would attempt to overcome an SUV and cut it off? And it has also paid for itself by hauling large items that I would have to rent a truck for.

    Evilsciencechick--I would say that 4 out of 10 drivers, regardless of what they drive, cannot park. Did you stop to think that maybe the reason the SUV was parked weird is because the jerk-off they parked next to was parked over the parking line? One person parks weird and then it's a chain reaction...

    I love my SUV, wouldn't drive anything else, get outta my way or get a huge V8 up your tailpipe...

    By Blogger Life with Diapers..., at Wed Jul 20, 12:57:00 PM 2005  



    By Blogger MOSES, at Wed Jul 20, 01:06:00 PM 2005  

  • I'm with you about incompetent drivers, but, living in Nothern VA, I have realize that they come with all sorts of vehicles, not just SUVs. I think the worst drivers here are little hispanic ladies driving minivans, though.

    We recently got rid of our Ford F-150 pickup truck, which was great to have when we lived in Bumfuck, Southern VA, but not quite as practical up here since parking spaces are tiny and gas prices are pretty high. So we ended up trading it in and getting a Ford Escape.

    The Escape, compared with other SUVs, is actually really tiny. It also has a tight turning radius and four wheel drive, which is useful for us because we go re-enacting a lot, so we need a vehicle with space to stack things, and four-wheel drive to keep us from getting stuck in the dirt when parked on grass...

    By Blogger mauser*girl, at Wed Jul 20, 01:49:00 PM 2005  

  • I think Life With Diapers is just proving our point. The motto of these monster-truck driving assholes appears to be, "get outta my way or get a huge V8 up your tailpipe". My! What a friendly considerate thing to say. Not!

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Wed Jul 20, 02:22:00 PM 2005  

  • Sylvana said while also quoting me "The motto of these monster-truck driving assholes appears to be, "get outta my way or get a huge V8 up your tailpipe". My! What a friendly considerate thing to say. Not!"
    In an earlier post she said "I hate those people. I hate em! I so write notes and stick them on their car telling them how much I hate them." And you hate my dog too, what did my dog to do you?

    Give me a break! Drive in Northern VA for a week, I bet you couldn't handle it. Matter of fact, drive in rush hour traffic on the Beltway in Washington DC!

    mauser*girl said " I think the worst drivers here are little hispanic ladies driving minivans, though." I cannot agree with you more! I have a theory, all the Latino's around here that actually drive the speed limit must be the illegal immigrant day laborers. They don't want to get pulled over and deported.

    I love my SUV, and thats all there is to it.

    By Blogger Life with Diapers..., at Wed Jul 20, 03:03:00 PM 2005  

  • what's up with "moses?"

    drive by blog spam!

    of a somewhat relgious nature. no one's ever wished ME blessings and light

    By Blogger evilsciencechick, at Wed Jul 20, 04:28:00 PM 2005  

  • Well, my mind's been changed...I think I'll pick on Latinos from now on. And Virginia, too.

    Life with diapers-I think your kitty's after your chicken pot pie.

    mauser*girl-re-enacter, eh? 'Nuff said.

    Moses-are you in hell because you didn't accept Jesus as your lord and saviour? Too bad you were born to soon to be born again. Say 'hi' to the Buddha for me!

    ESC- the Ford Escape is actually quite "tiny":)hahahaha

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Wed Jul 20, 06:25:00 PM 2005  

  • Life with Diapers- I am allowed to hate assholes. And once again, you proved my point.

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Wed Jul 20, 07:01:00 PM 2005  

  • I've always wanted a "Canyonero" myself.
    Or that car that Homer designed.

    By Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan, at Sun Jul 24, 08:06:00 AM 2005  

  • LWD- There have been numerous studies showing that SUVs are not statistically safer since they are not quick enough or easily handled enough to avoid accidents.

    I think the most shameful part of our culture is how we believe that Freedom and Liberty equate to "Freedom to consume and Freedom to choose products." We'd give up our freedom of speech, our freedom of movement, freedom to pursue happiness, freedom to enjoy a clean and healthy environment just so we have a choice of 30 different fucking toothpastes.

    Tell me- why can't I walk down the street with a beer? why can't I take my dog to the park? Why won't a homeowners association let me paint my house hot pink?

    How is choosing an SUV an example of true freedom? It's just an illusion meant to keep the masses complacent.

    By Blogger Shannon, at Sun Jul 24, 01:51:00 PM 2005  

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