"We Thought You Was One Of Those Hot-To-Trot Soccer Moms."

To paraphrase the NRA, SUVs aren't the problem, it's the people who drive SUVs. Just the other day, as I was driving to work (I live about a mile or two away), I encountered two of the muttonheads.

The first was some lady driving a Ford F-you, or Escape, or whatever. We were heading towards each other, she was turning right, I was turning left. She got to the street that we were turning onto several seconds before I did, but I still had to wait for seemingly ever for her to actually complete her turn. I guess she was so worried about her fabulous vehicle flipping over at the slightest provocation that she felt the need to come to a rolling stop before she actually executed her turn. I then followed her up a slight incline for three blocks, travelling at about 15 instead of the posted 25 mph, when she slowed down even more. Just as I was about to honk, she slowly, ever so slowly, executes a left turn. The most precious part was when, about 3/4 of the way through the turn, she puts on her blinker. Yeah, thanks sweetheart, we pretty much had all figured out you were turning by that point. But good to know you're not having a stroke, thanks for keeping us updated!

Once I had left that idiot in my seething dust, I continued down the street. I noticed another big ass SUV heading down the road towards me...seriously, right at me. This street is fairly major, as far as small town streets go, and there were cars parked on both sides of the road. So, the lady in the big SUV feels she has to travel directly in the center of the street, which would be fine, except I kind of needed the part of the road she was on. This situation happens all the time to me, and I am sick of having to pull within millimeters of the parked cars just to avoid a head on collision with one of these buffoons, which is what I had to do in this particular instance.

I am so sick of these incompetent drivers buying vehicles way too big for them to handle. So sick of these morons taking up their parking space, plus the one to the left of them, plus the one in front of them, plus the one to the left of the one in front of them. So sick of them running over their precious little Dakota, or Tyler, or Brianna, or Ashliegh, or Kaiytlyn. I mean really, what is with those names? Note to suburbanites, spelling a traditional name in a different and stupid way is not original. All you're doing is condemning your kid to a lifetime of having to spell their name to people, and then having to re-spell and re-spell it over and over again to the point where everyone involved regrets that anyone asked your stupid kid what their name was in the first place. Oh, I appear to have wandered off subject there. Where was I....oh yes, stupid SUV drivers.

I think this kind of nonsense could be kept to a minimum if only they had a special driver's license for SUVs, one where you actually had to pass a road test in one. Because, the fact is, they handle really quite differently from a regular car. The way we have it now, what you get is, any idiot who can get a driver's license (which are way, way, way too easy to pass...but that's perhaps another rant/post) finds their way behind the wheel of an SUV, and then proceeds to promptly flip it over, killing everybody but themselves, because these retards never die. And SUV drivers wonder why everyone is so hostile towards them...

If I were in charge, all the non-violent potheads would be out wasting their lives away in front of their TVs and supporting our fast-food based economy, and all the soccer moms would be in their detention centers, digging holes with plastic spoons to place their goddamn Suburban Uber-idiot Vehicles in. And I'd have one of those PSPs, too. That would be cool. So...vote for me! I promise SUV drivers off our roads and a PSP in every pair of hands! You have nothing to lose but your road rage!