It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Monday, July 31, 2006

"I"ve Learned That Life Is One Crushing Defeat After Another Until You Just Wish Flanders Was Dead."

How to enroll for a class online, in 15 easy steps:

Step 1: Turn on computer.

Step 2: Pick up and wave computer through the air in desperate attempt to capture the elusive wireless signal.

Step 3: Unplug and replug in wireless router...there, that did the trick. Now you're logged on to the Information Superhighway, sport!

Step 4: Select class to enroll in, double-checking to make sure that all prerequisites are met.

Step 5: Surpress anger when computer tells you that you haven't filled the prerequisite, when you remember quite vividly all the time spent filling that prerequisite the previous semester.

Step 6: Call campus to ask for help enrolling in desired class.

Step 7: Hang up and call back on land line because your cell phone is acting up.
Step 7.5: Realize with dread that you're going to have to send phone in for service.

Step 8: Place call on land line. Ask a rhetorical "what the fuck!?!" when your phone tells you that you've made a forbidden call and tells you to call customer service.

Step 9: Rummage through phone bills to confirm that yes, in fact, you did pay the last bill and your account ought to be in good standing.

Step 10: Call customer service. Wait time is approximately 20 minutes. Throw pen across room.

Step 11: Talk to dumb lady in customer service who tells you that you should be able to place calls. Well, duh...that's why I called you. The only good part of this call is when, after saying that your account was inexplicably turned off, she says, "Well, let me see if I can get you turned on."

Step 12: Rummage through drawer and find old cell phone.

Step 13: Swap smart card into old phone

Step 14: Call campus to ask for help enrolling in desired class. The person you needed to speak with just left for the day. Leave message for her, taking great care to not pepper message with the "f word".

Step 15: Step outside to take revenge on world. Return to living room when you realize it's too damn hot outside for vengence. Wonder out loud if 10:45 am is too early to start drinking.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

"Is This The End Of Zombie Shakespeare?"

After walking Sy to work this morning, I came home to have a bagel and some tea and just relax because yesterday I finished up my classes...No school for a month! Right on!

Anyway, as I settle down at the breakfast table and turn on the radio and I hear this: "The zombies were all arrested without further incident."

Wha...?!? The zombies were all I don't need to board up the windows and barricasde myself indors with the shotgun? Should I be concerned? My God, they may have already infected a whole new generation of the undead!

Fortunately, I've seen enough zombie movies to know what to do: grab a baseball bat and a torch and find a romantic interest. But Sy was almost a mile away, probably blissfully unaware of the zombie threat. Christ, there could be a zombie down any one of the rows of bookshelves at the library. And she's got a juicy huge brain!!!

About 30 minutes later, I had nearly finished my preparations to cut a zombie swath across town when the news came on again: Oh!

Damn...I was all pumped to do some decapitatin'. Stupid zombiewannabes, getting me all excited over nothing!

Monday, July 17, 2006

"It's Just Made Up Words That Don't Mean Anything...Like 'Shamalamadingdong' Or 'Give Peace A Chance'.

So, has everyone seen the new Citibank commercial, the one with the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" providing the background music and it just makes you want to retch?

I've noticed for some time now the appalling practice of wonderful, generation-defining music being co-opted and sullied by soulless corporations in pursuit of the Almighty Dollar. Important artists ranging from the Beatles to Willie Nelson to Toby Keith have had their music hijacked in the name of widget-trade. (OK, I was joking about Toby; he'd name his first-born Popeye if a fried chicken joint waved a few sheckles under his nose...)

But this ad for a credit card company stating that we should realize that, in the grand scheme of things, money isn't really very important is reprehensible (or high satire...I haven't quite figured that out yet). OK, CITIGroup, if money isn't that big a deal, how about you stop charging me $39 if my damn payment is one day late? C'mon, Citibank, don't go all Yoko on me! Just love me, Citibank, love me do!

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

"Back Then, We Television Producers Was Just Jerks In Suits, Nothing At All Like These Days."

Damn YouTube won’t let me embed this video, so’s you’ll have to follow the link to see the footage of quite possibly the smartest TV producer in the world. Frankly, if there were more producers like this guy, I think we'd all be better off.

Has it ever struck you, dear reader, what a sucky medium television is? It has such promise and potential, yet shows like Twin Peaks and Arrested Development are repeatedly cancelled while shows like Yes, Dear and Full House go on and on. And yes, I am aware that David Lynch was just making it up as he was going along, but that only underscores my point....most shows are developed, produced, and written by idiots for idiots.

I had to put up with the whole dumbing down process throughout my entire childhood in the public education system, and when I turned, all pimply-faced and adolescent-angst-ridden, to television to escape that reality, I got Who's the Boss?. Aargh!!! The only thing worse than Tony Danza is Tony Danza whining, "Annnnggeeelllaaaa!"

I used to watch quite a bit of TV. It was just sort of a conditioned response: come home from work, plop down on the couch, grab the remote, manipulate the remote while repeatedly pushing the power button because the damn batteries are weak, and bask in TV's warm, glowing, glowing warmth. Lately, however, I've not been watching it at all, and I can't say that I really miss it. I'm now able to do much more productive things, like watch stupid videos on YouTube, for example.

So hows about it: what is your alternative to television's bottomless chum-bucket? What's the best show that's been cancelled; or the worst show that hasn't been? And have you seen my remote? I can't find the f%*#ing little thing anywhere!

Sunday, July 09, 2006

"The Cosmic Ballet Continues."

Wow...I hadn't checked the news in the past couple weeks. Ken Lay and Patsy Ramsey both died. I suppose that balances the karmic scales a little better...

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and comfort. You all reached out and touched a brother's heart, for reals. This whole experience has caused me to re-examine my life and beliefs. I'm now taking regular exercise and eating better in order to stave off the early stage dad-body I've begun to develop. In the past, I've been more or less a recluse, content to not have much to do with other people, but now I'm making it a point to reach out and be more open and friendly. I'm am, of course, still planning to remain a sarcastic, irreverent smart-ass; the kind of person who can appreciate a good dead baby joke (which, as K would tell you (were she alive to tell you), is not such an easy kind of person to find). And I still plan to use parentheses inside of parentheses, as often as possible.

Sy and I met a couple at K's memorial service (well, actually we first met them, oddly enough, the day before we heard of K's death (well, actually we only met the male half of the couple at that point (see, I'm serious about the parentheses))), and we went over to their place for dinner the following week, and we had an amazing time. We're going with them to see Superman Returns tomorrow. They're so much fun to hang around with, and it's weird to think that what brought us together was K almost seems wrong, but, what are you going to do?

(some sort of clever segue ensues)

Speaking of (aforementioned segue) I also have several projects recently underway, from composing music to writing to an art project in a zen garden medium, all in an effort to try to fill the enormous creative void left in the world since K's death. Really, you have no idea what a genius she was.

So, there it is, I'm back...may God have mercy on you all.