"Ketchup...Catsup. Ketchup...Catsup. Whoo, I'm Way Over My Head Here."
Lie #1: "Easy Squeeze"...Easy squeeze my ass! (Ooo! Thank you sir, may I have another?) I have squeezed many substances out of many containers, and nothing, nothing has been as difficult as the damn Heinz so-called "Easy Squeeze" bottle. Christ, it would be effin' easier to squeeze frozen mud out of a syringe!
Lie #2: "No mess bottle"...It's kind of hard not to make a mess when, in order to get the damn ketchup out of the bottle, you have to whack it with a damn mallot.
Lie #3: "New cap prevents 'watery-stuff'"....Lies, lies I tell you!!!
Lie #4: "Durable plastic bottle"...Well, after putting myself through considerable strain, only to squirt "watery-stuff" all over my burger, the bottle slips out of my greasy mitts and hits the floor, where it splits open and ketchup splatters everywhere. It looked like a friggin' blood bath in my kitchen. Thanks so much, Heinz...is it too late to take back the vote I cast for Kerry?
Just kidding...I voted for Nader...