It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

"Ketchup...Catsup. Ketchup...Catsup. Whoo, I'm Way Over My Head Here."

Has anyone used those "Easy Squeeze" bottles of ketchup from Heinz? I propose they change the name to "Bottle Full 'O Lies".

Lie #1: "Easy Squeeze"...Easy squeeze my ass! (Ooo! Thank you sir, may I have another?) I have squeezed many substances out of many containers, and nothing, nothing has been as difficult as the damn Heinz so-called "Easy Squeeze" bottle. Christ, it would be effin' easier to squeeze frozen mud out of a syringe!

Lie #2: "No mess bottle"...It's kind of hard not to make a mess when, in order to get the damn ketchup out of the bottle, you have to whack it with a damn mallot.

Lie #3: "New cap prevents 'watery-stuff'"....Lies, lies I tell you!!!

Lie #4: "Durable plastic bottle"...Well, after putting myself through considerable strain, only to squirt "watery-stuff" all over my burger, the bottle slips out of my greasy mitts and hits the floor, where it splits open and ketchup splatters everywhere. It looked like a friggin' blood bath in my kitchen. Thanks so much, it too late to take back the vote I cast for Kerry?

Just kidding...I voted for Nader...

Sunday, March 26, 2006

"What's My Horoscope Say? 'Today Will Be A Day Like Any Other'...It Just Keeps Getting Worse!!!"

Some weeks, you've got more material than time. Other weeks, more time than material. I've been sitting at the computer for hours...guess which kind of week this is.

So go to my honey's blog...and wish her a happy birthday, dammit!

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"I've Got Pain...Pain InThe Glaven!!!"

You know, I enjoy French-bashing (or is it freedom-bashing now?) as much as the next guy, but I really think they were on to something with their Jerry Lewis worshipping. As proof, I offer the popularity of Professor John Frink on the Simpsons.

As further proof, here's a link to a funny bit from the Onion.

Upon reflection, I've decided that it's not Jerry Lewis that's funny, but making fun of Jerry Lewis that's funny...lousy misleading French...

Friday, March 17, 2006

"Drinking, Violence, Destruction Of Property...Are These The Things We Think Of When We Think Of The Irish?"

Happy St. Patrick's Day! We've come a long way since the first St. Patrick's Day in the U.S., when it was used as a way to gather all the Irish in the center of town for easy beatdowns. In honor of my Irish heritage, I'd just like to say a few things:


UK out of Ireland

Erin Go Bragh!

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back and may the good Lord hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Kiss me Blarney Stones, I'm Irish!

And if you aren't wearing green today, here is a virtual pinch >< just for you.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

"Peace Pipe Aficionado: What Your Endfeather Says About You."

As a dude, I enjoy wearing sports jerseys. I remember as a kid, running to the tree every Christmas morning, hoping to find a Steelers jersey. And I remember being disappointed year after year. The best I got was a T-shirt that said "Steelers". It was bright yellow and ugly, but I still wore it more days than not.

Then when I was twelve, I finally got my jersey. Not like a real one or anything (it was Sears and Roebuck special), but it looked sort of real. It was number 32, Franco Harris. I loved that thing!

Now that I have the means to buy my own damn clothing, I own several jerseys. I am cheap though, and I've only gotten one that wasn't at least 50% off retail. I'm relaying all this information as a backdrop to my current dilemma...

A couple months ago, we were in a second-hand shop and I came across a baseball jersey. I checked the price tag: $5!!! It was in mint condition and would normally sell for around 60 bucks, so I couldn't pass it up. There is one wee's a Cleveland Indians jersey...with Chief Wahoo's mug

right there on my chest. Probably the second most racist team monkier in all of American professional sports, after the Redskins.

Now, I'm down with the cause, but I really like my jersey! What to do ....WHAT TO DO??? Maybe if I wear it with my "Kill Whitey" hat?

Friday, March 10, 2006

"I'm Bart Simpson, Who The Hell Are You?"

You Are Bart Simpson

Very misunderstood, most people just dismiss you as "trouble."

Little do they know that you're wise and well accomplished beyond your years.

You will be remembered for: starring in your own TV show and saving the town from a comet

Your life philosophy: "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"

Yes, it's another one of those damn tests, sorry. I wouldn't have posted it at all, but the quote was just too perfect.

I promise to have actual content next week...but don't hold me to that, it was more of an idle, "get off my ass" promise. Later, grizzly dudes!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

"If I Could Just Say A Few Words...I'd Be A Better Public Speaker."

Oh Blogger! My Blogger! You've opened up vast new horizons of procrastination to me. Right now I should be working on my presentation. But I've decided to do my presentation on I'm doing research right now?

I've heard that most people, when listing their fears, place public speaking above death. I might be hard pressed to choose between the two. Toastmasters suggests harnessing your nervous energy and transforming it into vitality and enthusiasm. I will try to instigate such mental judo, but if that doesn't work, I'll just pretend I'm speaking to only one person. Who happens to be my best friend. And is naked. And I'll make sure to have my trusty harikari sword. Because I like to go into something like this prepared.

Monday, March 06, 2006

"I'll Be Deep In The Cold, Cold Ground Before I Recognize Missourah!"

I'm sure most of you have heard of the book What's the Matter with Kansas? Well, whatever it is, it's likely infectuous, and habitual Kansas-toucher Misouri is presenting with similar symptoms, such as Bizarre Persecution Syndrome. I think I know why this is happening. As anyone who has driven through states like Kansas and Missouri will know, the never changing landscape of corn and wheat fields and arrow-straight highways can be downright hypnotic. Maybe this makes the citizenry of these states easily susceptible to suggestion. Or it could have something to do with the grand Dumbing Down of America agenda designed to tighten the neo-con stranglehold on our country. Or maybe it has something to do with Branson. But I digress...

Despite the fact that around 85% of American citizens declare themselves to be Christian, the Missouri legislature has found it necessary to introduce a resolution effectively making Christianity the official state religion. Here is the text of the official proposal, complete with generous use of the word "whereas".

While they're at it, maybe they might want to make the official state race Caucasian, the official state gender Male, and the official state party Republican.

Now, as much fun as it is to rag on states like Missouri or Kansas for being backwards, I am deeply saddened by the news that even my beloved blue-state Wisconsin is not immune from the influence of scared, hate-mongering so-called "Christians". On the state ballot in November, voters will vote on whether or not to ban gay marriage. No word yet on whether or not we will be able to vote to ban bigotry...

On Wisconsin Public Radio, I heard one of the proponents of the ban say something to the effect that the Democrats need to stop stalling and allow for a vote, and went on to say that the Democrats are stalling because they know they're on the "wrong side of the issue". Of course, most Wisconsin Democrats were on the "wrong side" of the civil rights issues of the 60's, but I'm sure the irony of that would be lost on supporters of this proposal.

Friday, March 03, 2006

"This Just In...Go To Hell!"

Apropos to the D&D post, I just found this little doozy over at I can't believe it's not butter...YOU GODAMN LIAR!

It's all falling into place....Excellent!