It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

"Ketchup...Catsup. Ketchup...Catsup. Whoo, I'm Way Over My Head Here."

Has anyone used those "Easy Squeeze" bottles of ketchup from Heinz? I propose they change the name to "Bottle Full 'O Lies".

Lie #1: "Easy Squeeze"...Easy squeeze my ass! (Ooo! Thank you sir, may I have another?) I have squeezed many substances out of many containers, and nothing, nothing has been as difficult as the damn Heinz so-called "Easy Squeeze" bottle. Christ, it would be effin' easier to squeeze frozen mud out of a syringe!

Lie #2: "No mess bottle"...It's kind of hard not to make a mess when, in order to get the damn ketchup out of the bottle, you have to whack it with a damn mallot.

Lie #3: "New cap prevents 'watery-stuff'"....Lies, lies I tell you!!!

Lie #4: "Durable plastic bottle"...Well, after putting myself through considerable strain, only to squirt "watery-stuff" all over my burger, the bottle slips out of my greasy mitts and hits the floor, where it splits open and ketchup splatters everywhere. It looked like a friggin' blood bath in my kitchen. Thanks so much, Heinz...is it too late to take back the vote I cast for Kerry?


Just kidding...I voted for Nader...

posted by Isaac Carmichael at 7:50 PM

36 Comments:

  • These are four of the reasons I don't buy ketchup! It just isn't worth the risk of watery-stuff and impossible bottles (squeezable or pour)!

    By Blogger Mary Ann, at Tue Mar 28, 10:48:00 PM 2006  

  • I haven't seen a case this open and shut since my lawsuit against the makers of "The Never-Ending Story"!

    By Blogger Otto Man, at Wed Mar 29, 04:57:00 AM 2006  

  • It's another case of over-engineering. The original ketchup bottle was perfect, you just had to know the secret of tapping the "57" seal on the neck to get the sauce to come out easily. But no, they had to "dumb it down" and now look at what we have?

    The squeezable bottles for grape jelly, however, are cool.

    By Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan, at Wed Mar 29, 07:30:00 AM 2006  

  • My relationship to Heinz ketchup is that of a battered woman. I love it even though, yes, the packaging does me wrong. But what matters is what's on the inside. The packaging can change.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wed Mar 29, 01:59:00 PM 2006  

  • You gotta shake it before you squeeze it to prevent the water. I still can't believe that the bottle broke. Perhaps you hit it too hard with the mallet.

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Wed Mar 29, 04:53:00 PM 2006  

  • mary ann- That's right...you can get free ketchup at fast food restaurants.

    otto man- Miguel Sanchez couldn't have said it better.

    shamus- haven't tried the squeezeable jelly, and I'm a little gunshy now, so I might never try it. Doesn't KY have a squeezable jelly too?

    ag- they should do a Lifetime movie about that!

    sy- That's the thing...I did shake the damn thing! The stupid cap provides little gaps for the water to hide in is the problem. Besides, I thought the special cap was made specifically to prevent the watery stuff...if you still have to shake the bottle, then what the hell is the cap for?

    By Blogger Isaac Carmichael, at Wed Mar 29, 05:13:00 PM 2006  

  • And it has to be Heinz ketchup, there is no other ketchup as flavorful on the market. I just noticed, you're from Wisconsin too.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at Wed Mar 29, 11:10:00 PM 2006  

  • Doesn't KY have a squeezable jelly too?

    yes.

    By Blogger cookie christine, at Thu Mar 30, 01:58:00 PM 2006  

  • I have had no problems with them what-so-ever, although indeed at times the ketchup tends to be a bit watery, but then I just shake the bottle and there ya go ...

    By Blogger Astrid, at Mon Apr 03, 03:54:00 AM 2006  

  • For some reason, ketchup dispensation is like politics and religion. Everybody has their own opinion on the matter, and they get really, REALLY angry when you disagree with them.

    My chosen method is to hold the bottle at an angle and shake it gently until the ketchup comes out. It works. Every time. But during the 4 or 5 seconds it takes, there's always someone at the table who gets all irate and starts trying to take the bottle away from me because I'm doing it wrong.

    By Blogger Irb, at Mon Apr 03, 01:16:00 PM 2006  

  • Mr. Nasty- On Wisconsin!

    cookie christine- Somehow, I knew you'd know.

    astrid- do you use ketchup on fries? Or mayonnaise? And I hear you're doing wonderful things with Leggos...

    irb- You just don't get between a man and his condiments.

    By Blogger Isaac Carmichael, at Mon Apr 03, 09:21:00 PM 2006  

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