It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Saturday, April 30, 2005

"Geese Can Be Troublesome"

"Help, I am being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory."
"You will not be able to comment on blogger today."
"Cat vomit hides in your house."
"Gas prices will go up a lot, down a little, then up again".
"A vending machine will piss you off today".
"Spandex is not your friend".
"You will be aroused by a shampoo commercial."

These are all fortunes I came up with myself (with the exception of the first one, which I got to hear every single time my family went to a chinese restaurant when I was a kid and my father read his fortune aloud. Seriously, dad, enough already). I think I could carve out a meager existence at that trade. Too bad they're sending all the jobs overseas. That's a good trade off: we send our jobs to China, they send us the flu...

Even though they are creatures of death, disease and pestilence, I very much enjoy geese. I get to see (and hear) a lot of them in my town. We have flocks that return every year to a little pond right by our house. I love the sound of a formation of geese coming down over our house, preparing to land on the water. You can hear all the beating wings and wooshing air and everything.

I commented to my hot wife that whenever I see a flock walking around on the ground, I like to pretend they're little dinosaurs. She does the same thing! Whoa, we have a lot in common, we're both weird. Anyone else do that?

Apparently, geese are as troublesome on the golf course as they are on the immune system, leaving their waste anywhere, like common animals. Upset golfers have been known to club them in an act of "Links Rage" (aka "Putter's Despair")...losers. What do they expect when they build these courses on acres of land, usually with streams and ponds worked into the course?

My major problem is with people who are troublesome. I'm not a golfer, but I did golf a few times as a kid and I actually saw PEOPLE going to the bathroom on the edge of the woods, more or less in plain view. That's a bit more upsetting, I would think, than goose poop. Not to mention the cigarette butts and empty cans and bottles and scorecards and stubby little pencils and packaging for items bought at the pro shop and countless other cast off detritus that litter almost every hole of the countless, prolifically spreading golf courses that comsume the previously pristine habitats of geese, herons, deer, and feral cats.

Ooh, here's another fortune: "Your ancestry will prevent your joining of a prestigious country club".


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