It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Friday, April 15, 2005

"Think Unsexy Thoughs, Think Unsexy Thoughts, Think Unsexy Thoughts."

Ah, there's nothing like the feeling you get after receiving a clean bill of health. Last Tuesday I got my first physical in probably a decade. And I didn't even realize I was going to get one...my doctor tricked me. I went in to get an opinion on getting a couple of moles removed (as mentioned in my previous post) and afterwards, as I was setting up my appointment for the removal, I got handed two appointment reminders instead of just one.

"Why two?" I asked.

"One is for the mole removal and the other is for a physical...our records show you haven't had one in a while."

So, ok, I'll get a physical, no big deal.

So I go back into the doctor's office a few days later to receive said physical. As I settle down into a waiting room chair, something occurs to me. Physical, I'm thinking, what all is included in a physical? Then those five words hit me: Turn Your Head And Cough! Uh-oh.

How embarrassing. You see, my doctor is a woman (and fairly attractive), and in the past, I'd always gotten a physical from a male (and ugly) doctor. I'm not sure why I'm more comfortable with a man doing the procedure than a woman, and frankly I don't care to examine the subject too closely. I just figured our relationship would be more awkward after she examined my junk. What with my being nervous, plus the fact that it was frickin' freezing in there, I was not present in all my glory.

Then I recalled an episode of ER I saw a few years ago, where a man is being examined by a female doctor and he gets an erection. Oh my god, what if that happens to me?!? That would be infinitely more embarrassing. And I, like probably every guy, have little to no control of the goings on down there. It does what it wants when it wants, despite our vigorous objections. Of course, we can make sure it doesn't find it's way into places it doesn't belong, but we can't control it's whims. My only option was to repeat, mantra-like, the title of this post, and hope things stayed calm downstairs. A good unsexy though for me is the Joe Theisman broken leg. If you've seen that, I'm sure you'll agree, and if you haven't, I wholeheartedly recommend you steer clear of it. It is exceeded in it's disgustingness only by it's disturbingness. Plus the screams...I can still hear the screams of that poor guy as clear as a bell. A+ boner killer.

So, of course, for the first time ever that I enter this always crowded waiting room, I'm the first one called in. The nurse takes me into an exam room, takes my blood pressure and temperature and such, then leaves, saying, "The doctor will be with you shortly." As I sit on the exam table to wait, I discover an unsexy thought...on the counter I see a tube of what is labeled as "surgical lube"...it's never been there before. Oh Jesus, what age do they start the prostate exam? Surely I'm too young for that...aren't I? OK, the things I was worried about before would have been very embarrassing for me, but if what is running through my head right now were to transpire, I think I would have to cut off ties with this doctor completely, which is really a shame, because she's such a good doctor. But, if fate put her finger up my ass, what choice would I have?

I am happy to report that all my fears regarding this examination were unfounded. There was no "Turn Your Head And Cough" moment, just a pamphlet on testicle self-exam. Like they really need to instruct guys to put their hands down there.

P.S. For some reason, when my blog comes up on my mac, the god-checker is screwy, but it comes up fine on a pc...I will try to fix this and apologize for any diety related problems. I would also like to beg for forgiveness from the particular gods whose day in the spotlight is ruined by this problem. Please don't flood my home or destroy all my crops. Thank you.

7 Comments:

  • That is one of my favorite Simpsons quotes. Along with "Stupid sexy Flanders!" Why are men so averse to getting a physical, especially from an attractive female doctor? I thought they made porn movies based on this very subject. Well, I guess you answered my question in this post. Like Elaine Benes once said, "I don't know how you guys walk around with those things."

    P.S. I feel really stupid because I was thinking of the Chinese calendar instead of the Zodiac, so now that whole joke is ruined. I appreciate you pointing out the sarcasm, because I was on the verge of tears ;)

    By Blogger Maria, at Fri Apr 15, 11:38:00 PM 2005  

  • I love the line "Stupid sexy Flanders" too. Which brings me to my next comment...I like how you put in the added "ugly" as if he weren't you would have some homoerotic fantasies about him as well. Maybe you could just get an ugly woman doctor. But then again, if she's a good doctor those are way hard to find- no pun intended.

    By Blogger Sylvana, at Sat Apr 16, 03:10:00 PM 2005  

  • "But, if fate put her finger up my ass, what choice would I have?"

    You got the right attitude man. Sometimes you have to "go wid de flow".

    But no way I could see a femail doctor, attractive or not. What if she was to lose composure during the physical and bust out laughing at the sight of Little Shamus? He'd be scarred for life.

    By Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan, at Sat Apr 16, 03:18:00 PM 2005  

  • Your blog is SSOOO funny! I have never really understood exactly what they are checking for during the whole turn your head and cough thing. I should probably just keep it that way :)LOL Thanks for a good laugh today.

    By Blogger KTBUG, at Sat Apr 16, 03:41:00 PM 2005  

  • I cannot say I blame you for preferring a man messing about with your kibbles and bits in the doctor role over a woman. I went to the gyno this week (mine happens to be female) and it ocurred to me how I'd NEVER GO if I had to see a man doctor. It's not really a sexual thing because I tend to find that any doctor's office suppresses my libido entirely. But there's just something to be said for sharing the no-no parts with someone who's got the same equipment.

    By Blogger ORF, at Sat Apr 16, 08:46:00 PM 2005  

  • Exactly, oh really. You wouldn't take your ferrari to a mechanic who drives a gremlin.

    And Shamus, I am quite proud of that line. You just can't stop reading after you read that sentence.

    By Anonymous sideshow bob, at Sun Apr 17, 09:40:00 AM 2005  

  • When I get bored I feel the need to change my hair color. Changing my picture is far easier than doing it over the sink and ruining my countertops. No muss, no fuss. Besides the fact that I adore Sydney Bristow and her spy-on-spy action.

    By Blogger Maria, at Sun Apr 17, 12:34:00 PM 2005  

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