"Think Unsexy Thoughs, Think Unsexy Thoughts, Think Unsexy Thoughts."

Ah, there's nothing like the feeling you get after receiving a clean bill of health. Last Tuesday I got my first physical in probably a decade. And I didn't even realize I was going to get one...my doctor tricked me. I went in to get an opinion on getting a couple of moles removed (as mentioned in my previous post) and afterwards, as I was setting up my appointment for the removal, I got handed two appointment reminders instead of just one.

"Why two?" I asked.

"One is for the mole removal and the other is for a physical...our records show you haven't had one in a while."

So, ok, I'll get a physical, no big deal.

So I go back into the doctor's office a few days later to receive said physical. As I settle down into a waiting room chair, something occurs to me. Physical, I'm thinking, what all is included in a physical? Then those five words hit me: Turn Your Head And Cough! Uh-oh.

How embarrassing. You see, my doctor is a woman (and fairly attractive), and in the past, I'd always gotten a physical from a male (and ugly) doctor. I'm not sure why I'm more comfortable with a man doing the procedure than a woman, and frankly I don't care to examine the subject too closely. I just figured our relationship would be more awkward after she examined my junk. What with my being nervous, plus the fact that it was frickin' freezing in there, I was not present in all my glory.

Then I recalled an episode of ER I saw a few years ago, where a man is being examined by a female doctor and he gets an erection. Oh my god, what if that happens to me?!? That would be infinitely more embarrassing. And I, like probably every guy, have little to no control of the goings on down there. It does what it wants when it wants, despite our vigorous objections. Of course, we can make sure it doesn't find it's way into places it doesn't belong, but we can't control it's whims. My only option was to repeat, mantra-like, the title of this post, and hope things stayed calm downstairs. A good unsexy though for me is the Joe Theisman broken leg. If you've seen that, I'm sure you'll agree, and if you haven't, I wholeheartedly recommend you steer clear of it. It is exceeded in it's disgustingness only by it's disturbingness. Plus the screams...I can still hear the screams of that poor guy as clear as a bell. A+ boner killer.

So, of course, for the first time ever that I enter this always crowded waiting room, I'm the first one called in. The nurse takes me into an exam room, takes my blood pressure and temperature and such, then leaves, saying, "The doctor will be with you shortly." As I sit on the exam table to wait, I discover an unsexy thought...on the counter I see a tube of what is labeled as "surgical lube"...it's never been there before. Oh Jesus, what age do they start the prostate exam? Surely I'm too young for that...aren't I? OK, the things I was worried about before would have been very embarrassing for me, but if what is running through my head right now were to transpire, I think I would have to cut off ties with this doctor completely, which is really a shame, because she's such a good doctor. But, if fate put her finger up my ass, what choice would I have?

I am happy to report that all my fears regarding this examination were unfounded. There was no "Turn Your Head And Cough" moment, just a pamphlet on testicle self-exam. Like they really need to instruct guys to put their hands down there.

P.S. For some reason, when my blog comes up on my mac, the god-checker is screwy, but it comes up fine on a pc...I will try to fix this and apologize for any diety related problems. I would also like to beg for forgiveness from the particular gods whose day in the spotlight is ruined by this problem. Please don't flood my home or destroy all my crops. Thank you.