It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Sunday, April 24, 2005

"Urinal Cake Eroding...Eroding...Eroding...Gone!"

This post is germane to nothing, really, and is probably not even funny to anyone other than me...

A while ago I was watching my Simpsons season 4 dvds. I was watching the episode where Homer becomes union president and is brought to Mr. Burns' mansion for a meeting (Last Exit To Springfield). I was a little under the weather so I was cuddled up on our "harem couch", as we call it in our home (seriously, it's huge, you could have a fully catered orgy on it), with my dog laying on top of me, tv and dvd remotes right by my side, along with a box of kleenex and a bottle of gatorade (to help hydrate me due to my flu-ish state). I was as comfortable as I'd been in a long time...except I sorta had to pee. When Burns started to give the tour of his mansion, I rememebered what was coming, but hoped if I just didn't think about it, I would be ok, but I was so wrong. Imagine drinking around 56 oz. of gatorade within the past hour, having a wriggly dog on your bladder, and then having to listen to this:

Homer: Oh man, I really need to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?

Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me and you'll make a big splash very soon.

I forgot to mention that throughout this monologue, you see Smithers pouring a cup of coffee, which Burns jostles, causing a little spill, all the while you see and hear a leaky pipe dripping in the background. I guess it was one of those life imitating art things. Almost a religious experience for one with The Simpsons.

Speaking of what I'm speaking of, a while back I decided to always sit down on the toilet in order to preemptively stop the constant battle between seat up/seat down in our home, and I must tell the men out there something...the whole thing is a sham designed by women to control you. For years I have been doing this, and I have never fallen in the toilet because the seat was up (my son still pees standing...I couldn't tell him to pee standing down, that would be against nature. I'm just doing it to prove a point), and I have never sat on sprinkles of pee left on the seat from the previous user. You want to know how I managed to avoid these pitfalls women are always complaining about? Because I look before I sit. I realize how unpleasant it would be to fall into a toilet or sit in another persons urine, so I take half a second and check out the situation. Only spoiled little princesses who expect to be waited on hand and foot would demand such extravagance (except my wife, who I am slowly convincing of my wisdom of the subject (I think(either that or she's just humoring me))). So don't believe the slanderous lies that are being spread about how awful we make things by leaving the seat up. Look for my forthcoming articles in the New England Journal of Medicine and Piss Enthusiast Magazine as sources to quote from the next time this debate hits your household.

Damn it! I have to sign off now unexpectedly for no reason.

By the way, in case you heard otherwise, I made it to the bathroom just fine, thank you.


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