"Urinal Cake Eroding...Eroding...Eroding...Gone!"
This post is germane to nothing, really, and is probably not even funny to anyone other than me...
A while ago I was watching my Simpsons season 4 dvds. I was watching the episode where Homer becomes union president and is brought to Mr. Burns' mansion for a meeting (Last Exit To Springfield). I was a little under the weather so I was cuddled up on our "harem couch", as we call it in our home (seriously, it's huge, you could have a fully catered orgy on it), with my dog laying on top of me, tv and dvd remotes right by my side, along with a box of kleenex and a bottle of gatorade (to help hydrate me due to my flu-ish state). I was as comfortable as I'd been in a long time...except I sorta had to pee. When Burns started to give the tour of his mansion, I rememebered what was coming, but hoped if I just didn't think about it, I would be ok, but I was so wrong. Imagine drinking around 56 oz. of gatorade within the past hour, having a wriggly dog on your bladder, and then having to listen to this:
Homer: Oh man, I really need to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me and you'll make a big splash very soon.
I forgot to mention that throughout this monologue, you see Smithers pouring a cup of coffee, which Burns jostles, causing a little spill, all the while you see and hear a leaky pipe dripping in the background. I guess it was one of those life imitating art things. Almost a religious experience for me...at one with The Simpsons.
Speaking of what I'm speaking of, a while back I decided to always sit down on the toilet in order to preemptively stop the constant battle between seat up/seat down in our home, and I must tell the men out there something...the whole thing is a sham designed by women to control you. For years I have been doing this, and I have never fallen in the toilet because the seat was up (my son still pees standing...I couldn't tell him to pee standing down, that would be against nature. I'm just doing it to prove a point), and I have never sat on sprinkles of pee left on the seat from the previous user. You want to know how I managed to avoid these pitfalls women are always complaining about? Because I look before I sit. I realize how unpleasant it would be to fall into a toilet or sit in another persons urine, so I take half a second and check out the situation. Only spoiled little princesses who expect to be waited on hand and foot would demand such extravagance (except my wife, who I am slowly convincing of my wisdom of the subject (I think(either that or she's just humoring me))). So don't believe the slanderous lies that are being spread about how awful we make things by leaving the seat up. Look for my forthcoming articles in the New England Journal of Medicine and Piss Enthusiast Magazine as sources to quote from the next time this debate hits your household.
Damn it! I have to sign off now unexpectedly for no reason.
By the way, in case you heard otherwise, I made it to the bathroom just fine, thank you.
A while ago I was watching my Simpsons season 4 dvds. I was watching the episode where Homer becomes union president and is brought to Mr. Burns' mansion for a meeting (Last Exit To Springfield). I was a little under the weather so I was cuddled up on our "harem couch", as we call it in our home (seriously, it's huge, you could have a fully catered orgy on it), with my dog laying on top of me, tv and dvd remotes right by my side, along with a box of kleenex and a bottle of gatorade (to help hydrate me due to my flu-ish state). I was as comfortable as I'd been in a long time...except I sorta had to pee. When Burns started to give the tour of his mansion, I rememebered what was coming, but hoped if I just didn't think about it, I would be ok, but I was so wrong. Imagine drinking around 56 oz. of gatorade within the past hour, having a wriggly dog on your bladder, and then having to listen to this:
Homer: Oh man, I really need to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
Burns: Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for number one. Well, listen to me and you'll make a big splash very soon.
I forgot to mention that throughout this monologue, you see Smithers pouring a cup of coffee, which Burns jostles, causing a little spill, all the while you see and hear a leaky pipe dripping in the background. I guess it was one of those life imitating art things. Almost a religious experience for me...at one with The Simpsons.
Speaking of what I'm speaking of, a while back I decided to always sit down on the toilet in order to preemptively stop the constant battle between seat up/seat down in our home, and I must tell the men out there something...the whole thing is a sham designed by women to control you. For years I have been doing this, and I have never fallen in the toilet because the seat was up (my son still pees standing...I couldn't tell him to pee standing down, that would be against nature. I'm just doing it to prove a point), and I have never sat on sprinkles of pee left on the seat from the previous user. You want to know how I managed to avoid these pitfalls women are always complaining about? Because I look before I sit. I realize how unpleasant it would be to fall into a toilet or sit in another persons urine, so I take half a second and check out the situation. Only spoiled little princesses who expect to be waited on hand and foot would demand such extravagance (except my wife, who I am slowly convincing of my wisdom of the subject (I think(either that or she's just humoring me))). So don't believe the slanderous lies that are being spread about how awful we make things by leaving the seat up. Look for my forthcoming articles in the New England Journal of Medicine and Piss Enthusiast Magazine as sources to quote from the next time this debate hits your household.
Damn it! I have to sign off now unexpectedly for no reason.
By the way, in case you heard otherwise, I made it to the bathroom just fine, thank you.
posted by Isaac Carmichael at
9:34 AM
6 Comments:
If it's so easy to check the seat before you sit down, then why is it so damn hard to put the seat back down when you are done?
By
Sylvana, at Mon Apr 25, 12:32:00 AM 2005
I find it gross to look into the toilet altogether. Why leave the seat or lid up so everyone can see the pee and etc... stains that you haven't had to time (or didn't care) to clean?
About the looking before you sit, why should women be expected to clean stray urine off the seat? Why don't men look after their done and wipe up after themselves?
By
Shannon, at Mon Apr 25, 03:46:00 PM 2005
My brother-in-law insists on sitting down when he voids because he doesn't want anyone to listen to him "drilling a hole". So my sister gets to avoid this whole dilemma.
I was reminded of the episode where Homer is in New York and has to pee. I finally understood how Flushing Meadows got it's name.
By
Maria, at Mon Apr 25, 07:23:00 PM 2005
I agree that men should clean up after themselves; to not do so is rude and their mommas should be ashamed. But it seems that most men, in fact, most people, aren't taught to be considerate of the people that will follow them. You can see it everywhere in our society, from the shopping carts taking up parking spaces in the parking lot when a cart corral is a mere fifteen feet away, to the appalling lack of directional useage on our nations roads, to the empty TP roll and sprinkled seats across the USA.
I'm just taking a pragmatic view of the situation. If you just assume that the seat will need cleaning, the worst that can happen is that you are pleasantly surprised to find out that it already is clean.
I'm not doing any more potty posts for a while. I think two is plenty. I was hoping, through the use of heated, inflammatory (is that a word?) remarks with regard to this highly divisive topic, to provoke blog readers to leave comments numbering in the double digits, but now I'm getting sort of sick thinking about the whole subject of urine coming into contact with someone from whom it didn't originate. So leave a comment if you must, but as for me, I am far too classy to even bring up such a vile subject.
p.sp. thanks for visiting, shannon
By
Isaac Carmichael, at Mon Apr 25, 07:29:00 PM 2005
Bob,
Did you see this?
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=638&e=2&u=/nm/20050426/en_nm/television_simpsons_dc
Also, I am here to tell you that double-digit commentary is overrated....
By
ORF, at Tue Apr 26, 01:28:00 PM 2005
Lol.
By
M, at Wed Nov 25, 04:42:00 AM 2009
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