It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Friday, September 29, 2006

"Haw Haw!"

The Internets claim another victim. Remember all that stuff about restoring dignity to government?

Like I said: "Haw Haw"!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

"I'm Sick Of Being A Wannabe League Bowler! I Wanna Be A League Bowler!"

We've finally made it to the pinnacle of middle-aged American life, baby...Sy and I are joining a bowling league!

I actually have been in an league once before, in college. In fact, I got me a plaque for men's high game score (210!) The women's high game score that year was 211...happily, my plaque honors my bowling prowess without mentioning I was beat by a girl.

Sy and I just bought a bowling ball about a month ago, and we have yet to break it in. She's a beaut; a lovely little blue and white swirled 8 pounder, which fits right into my bowling strategery: Get the lightest ball and chuck it HARD at the center pin. Even if I'm off target and only hit the 7 or 10 pin, the force of the ball sends the pin flying and caroming off the walls and into a couple other pins.

Of course, in league bowling, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. And it's always an honor just to be in the presence of these great athletes, these Adonises in polyester and used shoes, these legends of the storied lanes of times past, with their likeness crudely etched into the Ball-O-Shine-O, with more talent than hair, and more corpulence than talent.

See you on the lanes, suckas!!!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

"Uhh...We're Not Smoking Reefer!" OR "Make Way For Willie!"

Willie Nelson just got busted smoking pot with his 75 year old sister.

I'm sure she wanted to decline his offer of narcotics, but you just don't say no to the Red Haired Stranger.

Seriously, Willie is awesome. What with Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, and Patsy Cline all dead, he's the last living country artist with actual talent. How about you law enforcement types busting drug-using musicians that suck, like that band that Tony Snow is in? Boy, do they ever suck. Suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked, I tells ya...

Anyhoo...Long live Willie!

Monday, September 11, 2006

"If I Didn't Have Inner Peace, I'd Completely Go Psycho On All You Guys All The Time."

I wonder if Richard Gere reads this blog. I wonder, because I received a letter from him, not a long overdue apology for Pretty Woman, or Runaway Bride, or any of that other clap-trap he's been unleashing on our fair nation's cinema screens, but a letter in which he expresses his moral outrage at the Chinese leadership, much as I did here.

I'm just wondering if maybe we have some weird psychic connection, because included in his letter of outrage were miniature Tibetian prayer flags. Just a couple of weeks ago, I went and hung up Tibetian prayer flags at the spot where Sy and my friend died in June. It's like he's a little gerbil running around in my head...or whatever.

If you would like to register your e-outrage at the Hu Jintao regime, head over to this site. You'll also pick up fascinating tidbits sure to charm everyone at the next dinner party you attend. "Say, did you know that 61% of Germans say that they admire the Dalai Lama?"

"Why, no," everyone will say. "We're impressed...that's a tough crowd!"

So, in conclusion: Free Tibet! And stay out of my head, Mr. Gere. Especially between 4:00 and 5:00......that's Bob's time!!!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

"This Country Was Built By Carnies...Well, The Carnival Part Of It Anyway."

What a magnificent Labor Day was had by our family! We went to the great Minnesota State Fair to see our neighbor perform with her band, and from there we just wandered off through the crowd, experiencing the sights, sounds, and, ah yes, the smells of the great mass of the humanity that crawls out of the woodwork to celebrate the end of summer.

Word to the wise: Sy and SSB rock the Tilt-a-Whirl! We make that shit work!

Riding the Tilt-a-Whirl properly is a lot like good comedy: it's all timing and've got to time when to lean and you can't shy away from squashing your neighbor. Sure, you might hurt him or her, but it's for the good of the ride. Also, it's important to scope out all the seats while you're waiting in line in order to spot any bum seats that don't spin well and any seats that spin particularly well. Then, once the carnie opens the gate to let you in the ride, run like hell to your prefered seat. Don't worry about trampling any little kids on your way; they need to learn sometime that the word "fair" is used with the biting irony that can only be properly delivered through the broken, yellowed (and, in many cases, missing) teeth of a carnie.

One thing to keep in mind about the Tilt-a-Whirl, though: eat the corn dogs and cotton candy and all other stick-borne foods after riding; Sy figured that out too late:(

I think my thoughts on the whole state fair experience can be best summed up by the words of the portly gentleman who wandered past us by the Hot Dish-on-a-stick stand: "Well, that was a waste of four bucks".