It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Friday, September 30, 2005

"Mmmmm Hmmm, That's Good Satire!"

I was having a bad day...then I heard this. A great boy once said, "Haw haw!", and that boy grew up to be me...ok, maybe not, but this is still hilarious.

Sometimes, life is so sweet. And sometimes, I put not so much effort into this blog. But don't feel bad. Come back in a few days; maybe you'll get lucky and find a post brimming with sparkling wit and brilliant insight.

Or not.

Anyways, I'm going camping now, see you guys next week. And I promise a better post...or, at the very least, a longer one.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

"Dear God...I've Redorkulated!"

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those who understand the binary system, and those who don't.

God help me, I'm such a nerd I can't stop giggling...

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

"I Knew I Shouldn't Have Eaten That Packet Of Powdered Gravy I Found In The Parking Lot!"

The other day I came home for lunch, and I was a-starvin'. I also wasn't a-findin' much in the way of food, either. Since I only have a half hour for lunch, and about seven minutes of that is taken up in the commute from work to home and back, I have to make something quick and easy, which is also how I likes my ladies...just kidding. Sy is anything but easy.

I came home with plans for making a sammich, but we were out of bread. I opened the fridge and the freezer, but nothing caught my fancy. I went into the pantry and hemmed and hawwed and hemmed some more for a couple minutes...finally I decided that I had to pick something, anything, or else do without nutrition for the balance of the work day. So I grabbed some ramen noodles, chili flavored, which was the only flavor we had at the time. (We choose Maruchan noodles, as they are the best...anyone disagree? I hope so, I'd love to have a big, ugly debate in the comments, with lots of personal attacks and questioning of other sexual orientation and stuff)

As I was nuking my noodles (good band name), I remembered that the day before I had seen a packet of the chicken flavored powder (which is, I assume, mostly made up of salt, chicken bits, and factory sweepings). JD went through a period a while ago where he would eat the noodles plain, without adding the flavor packet, and he would just stick them in a drawer in the kitchen, so we've got a few of them lying around. I dug around a few seconds and found it, and I dumped it in my noodles, along with the chili packet, and had some gourmet chili-chicken ramen for lunch. Now that's good eats!

It hit me a couple hours later, this wrenching churning in my stomach. How old was that chicken packet? I wondered, in my intermittent lucid moments. It felt like there were two or three good sized rocks shifting around in my guts; most uncomfortable. Thank Allah, it passed in a fairly short amount of time, and I wasn't violently ill, and I regret to say that it probably won't be the last time I wonder, How old was that chicken packet, anyway?

Friday, September 16, 2005

"It's Awful...It Looks Like Wisconsin!"

For the past few weekends, our family has been traveling the state of Wisconsin, visiting brothers and sisters and state parks. We've gone through hilly country, cranberry bogs, pine forests, prairies, and beautiful old cities like Madison and Stevens Point. It's a beautiful time of year, the trees are still in full foliage, with the leaves just starting to turn colors, and the oppressive heat and humidity of summer are waning significantly. There is, however,a gruesome exhibition decorating our state's highways.

You would not believe the carnage...oppossums, deer, raccoons, rabbits, squirrels, cats, skunks, not sure but I think it might have been either an alien or a badger, chipmunks, birds and greasy, grimey gopher guts are strewn across our roads, smeared, in some cases, a good hundred feet or so. It's hard to get worked up about the beautiful scenery with the cold face of Death around every turn. There are limbs sticking out at impossible angles, rotting flesh and bloated corpses everywhere. In some cases, you can, over the course of a quarter mile, witness a mommy raccoon, one baby, two babies, three, four, and sometimes even the daddy, and you wonder: was it one car that did all this? Or did they, in their animal grief, take their own lives, rather facing the sting of hot steel than to face a day without their family? Or are they just stupid? Hard to say, really.

These morbid highways have been a part of life in Wisconsin ever since they cut the budget for the WI Department of Natural Resources a few years ago, and the dead animal pick-up service was eliminated. The idea was that the scavengers would take care of the corpses, and that the dead bodies would serve as warnings for drivers, as well as other animals. Good theory, but the animals don't seem to pay heed to the "warning cadavers", and the dead animals are piling up at a staggering rate. It has been good for the scavengers, though, including Bald Eagles, which have made a big comeback in our area lately. They're not so majestic when hunched over a dead rabbit on the side of the road, but last month Sy and I saw one swoop down out of the air and catch a fish at the lake by our house, and that was one of the most awesome things I've ever witnessed.

There is a practice in Buddhism where you are supposed to meditate over a dead body to contemplate your own mortality in direct terms; sort of like the Biblical quote "You came from dust and to dust you shall return" (not sure of the exact quote, I'm sure there's probably a "thou" or a "cometh" or a "shite" in there somewhere). I think a drive across Wisconsin in the summer should at least qualify you for the title "Dali Bratwurst Rinpoche" (or something like that...). Or at least get you free tickets to Nirvana.

Of course, you'd have to be pretty stupid to buy Nirvana tickets...

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

"Ducking This Issue Calls For Real Leadership."

I could've also used "This is everybody's fault but mine", but I'll save that for a time when I screw up.

When I think of President Harry S Truman, the first image that comes to mind is the little sign on his desk that said, "The Buck Stops Here" (ok, I guess the first image is that Dewey Defeats Truman headline, but that won't really fit in with this post). The last thing that comes to mind is George W. Bush. That man has passed more bucks than a retired stripper's garter belt (does that make sense?). In fact, by his own account, he seems powerless and impotent, even in the most elementary of an elected officials' responsibilities and duties.

So far since Katrina hit land, I've been told that the problems faced by storm victims are the fault of: *violent junkies in need of a fix
*state and local authorities, including the police
*stubborn people who refused to evacuate
*that damnable bureaucracy
*living in a city rife with sin

I also know, thanks to Mister Bush, that the sluggish economy, when it's even admitted, is absolutely the fault of:
*former President Clinton
*restrictive government regulation
*protesters at the World Bank and IMF meetings, who are also terrorists

And we all know by now that the responsibility for 9/11 lies squarely on the shoulders of:
*Osama bin Laden
*incompetent airport screeners
*Saddam Hussein
*former President Clinton
*the FBI
*the CIA, or, more precisely, George Tenet

What worries me most about this is, well, the fact that George W. Bush, in addition to being the Leader of the Free World, is also an alcoholic. Oh, he may not drink now or anything (or maybe he does, who knows), but as any recovering alcoholic/addict will tell you; you're never cured, you're always an alcoholic(/addict). The fact that W didn't really face up to his problem, but instead became "born again", is very troubling. Especially since he continues to exhibit alcoholic behaviour, such as not taking responsibility for mistakes, and laughing at inappropriate times, refusal to accept an unpleasant reality (see Search for WMDs) and flipping off the press corps. His inability to control impulses like that is not something that reflects well on the Presidency as an institution. In fact, it is a national disgrace.

I think we can all agree that firefighters are a pillar of our society, a magnificent group of men and women that deserve our uttmost respect. Well, in the firehouse, the chief is responsible for the actions of those under him (or her). It doesn't matter if he/she's thousands of miles away on vacation at some lame dude ranch, if his/her people screw something up, it's his/her butt in the hot seat. And not just his/her butt, but also the posterior of the commissioner in charge of all the fire chiefs. That is because the firefighers have things such as a code of honor and a sense of duty, not to mention accountability to society. Maybe if he would have served his country while it was at war he would have picked those up. Maybe he should ask, who would Jesus blame?

Thursday, September 01, 2005

"I Am So Fucking Embarrassed."

Please, humans of the blogosphere, watch your language! Sy is highly suggestable to foul language, and you people are a corrupting influence.

It used to be OK to take her to the grocery store, now she walks the aisles going, "Fuck this! Fuck that! Fucking Fritos Fun-size bags!" The other day we were at Target and she blurts out, "Oh fuck! I forgot to get something!" the Back To School section! Thank God for the moral decline in our country, or else we might be ostrisized.

Anyway, to conclude, please remember that profanity is the refuge of the inarticulate (as is, apparently, the White House), and watch your fucking mouths, already. I realize it is an extremely versitile word, but save the F-word for times when you are indescribably pissed...or when it's funny.

p.s. sorry if this post is a little lame, but it's been so fucking hectic around here for the past week, and the next few weeks ain't looking too much better.