It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Sunday, April 03, 2005

"This Is The First Time I've Ever Been Early For Work, Except For All Those Daylight Savings Days...Lousy Farmers!"

There are many awkward, unpleasant feelings in life, and I experienced two of them within ten minutes last night. What follows is a true, universally significant, and probably somewhat boring account.

I fear I was abducted by aliens last night... I woke up at 4:05 am, tried to guage if my bladder still had another few hours left in it, and kind of dozed off. I had a dream I was in high school, looking for a bathroom. Finally I found one and I proceeded to go to the urinal to relieve myself. I remember in the dream this took a long time, I remember thinking, "Wow, I can't believe I've been peeing this long, this is probably the most I've ever peed," all the while waves of various levels of relief are coursing through me...then I wake up.

There is nothing quite like the shame and humiliation a grown man or woman feels upon waking up and realising there is a distinct possiblity that he or she was wet the bed. In fact, that term 'wet the bed' doesn't carry the true weight of the situation; 'pissed all over myself and the bed linens and the mattress and oh my god...no, possibly my spouse!' is more like it.

So as I lay there, paralysed by the implictaions running through my mind, I was able to pull myself together and make a tentative first move. When you're just lying there motionless you can't really feel anything, because, you know, your whole conscious experience in many hours is in this one position. You don't have any other sensations to judge the current sensations you're feeling against. So, I make the first tentative move and,...whew! No noticible change in temperature, texture or moisture(or lack thereof). As I make my way out of bed, I glance at the clock and notice that it's 4:12.

So I enter the bathroom and switch on the light, which is extemely bright. As I now look back on this experience, I realise that this must be the moment when the aliens got me. All the energy in my brain gets shifted from whatever its' doing to dealing with the sudden change in the amount of light entering my eyes. I see the light!.....It burns!!!

I won't go into the detail of what transpired in the bathroom, but suffice it to say it was nothing of any interest to any of you, I would hope. As I walk out of the bathroom I glance into the living room and I notice the clock on the cable box...and it says 5:16!!! What the hell, right? God damn aliens with their big eyes and fancy teleporters and no green cards.

Then I remembered a conversation I was having with my hot wife last day (that's right, last day. It's not yesternight) that went a little something like this:

My Hot Wife: Is daylight savings coming up?

Sideshow Bob: I don't know...I think so.

And it was kind of left right there.

Which brings us back, segueless, to my noticing the clock in the living room. You know that experience; the WTF?!? sensation that comes over your brain when reality just doesn't mesh with your current observations. Then I rememebered...daylight savings, my least favorite day. I don't want to wake up in a world where the government can take away an hour of my hard earned sleep. I'm yawning right now, damnit!

Bob, furiously, out!

4 Comments:

  • You are a very talented writer, which is a refreshing find in the blogging world. I'm going to put a link on my site to yours, because anyone who loves The Simpsons as much as me deserves some recognition. If you don't like it, too damn bad ;)

    You've inspired me to write my own Daylight "Savings" Time anecdote. (I mean, really, who farms anymore?)

    By Blogger Maria, at Sun Apr 03, 10:29:00 PM 2005  

  • OK I hate daylight savings just as much as the next guy but don't blame it on the farmers!! My dad is a dairy farmer!! And he bitches about the time change just as much as everyone else. Where would we be without farmers? I know that you wouldn't have that nice hamburger that we all enjoy Oh So Much!

    By Blogger KTBUG, at Mon Apr 04, 12:06:00 AM 2005  

  • Don't blame me, Homer said it. Hey, I'm from the Dairy State (the real, not California), and know and respect a few farmers. I've actually seen the most rare and awe-inpiring sight in nature, the galloping cow. Mmmmmmmm...cow.

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Mon Apr 04, 01:45:00 AM 2005  

  • Oops, sorry Katie. Forgot that your dad was a farmer. I love my hamburgers, so I'll try to stop dissing farmers. You're the second blogger I've pissed off today.

    By Blogger Maria, at Mon Apr 04, 02:39:00 PM 2005  

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