It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Saturday, March 12, 2005

"Shoplifting Is A Victimless Crime...Like Punching Someone In The Dark."

Speaking of shoplifting...the phrase 'shoplifting' can be traced back to ancient Babylonia, when theives would actually lift up the corners of shopowner's huts to steal the sweet, sweet olives within. Oh, Zehecahuraharmesh...will you ever learn?

Anyways, back in our salad days(when we were poor), my hot wife and I were shopping at one of those big box stores; I think it was Wal*Mart. It was a fairly cool day in fall, and she found a nice coat she wanted to buy, so she threw it in our overflowing cart. When we got to the checkout line, my hot wife put the coat on the conveyor belt along with all our other junk and we waited as the clerk scanned all our items. When the clerk got to the coat, she didn't scan it, but handed it to my hot wife (did I mention she's hot?). My hot wife says, "No, this isn't mine," handing it back to the clerk. Then the clerk gives it right back, saying, "No, you should put this on, it's cold out."
This dance continues for another round or two, until finally I nudge my hot wife, signaling her to hush up. Then we pay for all of the items that were rung up and get the hell out of there. I have a rule: if you try to give someone money three times and the refuse to take it, then you've done your part and you owe them nothing. I'm not going to stand there all day trying to give out money that I could use for something else. But hey, maybe that's just me.

This same hot wife of mine has an interesting habit. She punches the dark. I'll be laying there fast asleep, dreaming any manner of blissful things, and out of nowhere I awake to a punch in the nose. That shit hurts! The other night she came up just as I was in a kind of inbetween state of asleep and awake when she plops down in bed and says, "You know I hate it when you go to bed without saying goodnight," followed nearly instantaneously with a sharp jab to the kidney. She said she was just trying to put her arm around me...but I got the message. Besides, what can I do? It's a victimless crime, after all.


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