It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Friday, June 16, 2006

"Liberty Bell...Liberty Bell...D'oh!"

Ah, there's nothing like the feeling of pulling into an empty convenience store parking lot, all set for a quick dash in, grab a Squishy, pay at the counter, and off you go. Unfortunately, convenience stores aren't really that convenient anymore. Seems like most times I enter one lately, I get stuck behind some glassy-eyed, slack-jawed yokel, their face held mere inches above the glass display case where they keep the lottery tickets. You see, they don't keep them behind the glass to prevent theft. That sheet of glass is a drool-guard.

I don't really care if you're looking for ways to dispose of your hard-earned cash, but please, MAKE YOUR DAMN MIND UP ALREADY!!! Lottery is a game of chance; any time you spend hovering over the tickets trying to somehow psychically "read" them is wasted. Please, if you do have any sort of psychic ability, go locate some missing children and stop wasting everyone's time.

And, dear lotto-zombies, once you've (eventually) made your purchase, move the f*#@ along. Don't scratch off the tickets right there. That is rude and you are an asshole. Hard as it may be for you to believe, the rest of us waiting in line aren't shifting around restlessly because we are just so damn anxious as to whether or not you will win; we just want to pay for our shit and get on with our lives. And we don't need any of your damn lottery ticket scratch-off residue all over our Big Gulp cup either. This is why I like My Name Is Earl so much...in the first two minutes of the first show, someone who buys a lottery ticket gets run over. Sweet, sweet Karma!

Speaking of ways to take the "convenience" out of "convenience store", now some of the stores in my area are offering to renew your license tabs. I can hear the business strategy planning meeting now: "Let's see...how can we ass-rape our customers at the pump, and then make them feel like they're in line at the DMV?"

By Jove, they've done it again!

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