It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Monday, April 17, 2006

"Ah, What A Beautiful Day...The Sun Is Out, The Birds Are Singing, The Bees Are Trying To Have Sex With Them...As Is My Understanding."

Man, is anyone else having trouble focusing on blogging this Spring? Normally, Spring is my least-favorite of seasons, what with all its muckiness bare limbed trees. Plus, I have nothing but contempt for any season so brash as to suppose it can take an hour of sleep away from me. But it has been so de-damn-lightful here in Upper-Middle Flyoverland, even I can't maintain this long held grudge.

I'm a bit alarmed at this chipping away at my hard earned bitterness. So, in an effort to get the bile flowing again faster than the sun can burn it off, I'll just list a few sex-ed facts being taught to our children in this, the season where a young man's (and, presumably, utterly immoral woman's) fancy turns to love.

Among the many facsinating tidbits included in such stalwarts of scare tactics as Me, My World, My Future, Choosing the Best and WAIT Training (Wait training...get it? Who says the fuddy-duddies don't have a sense of humor?):

* HIV can be spread via sweat and tears. Heck, any senator with half a brain could tell you that!

* A 43-day-old fetus is a thinking person.

*Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse, not the 2-3% that so-called "science" would have you believe.

*One text even struggled with basic science, such as how many chromosomes each parent contributes to a little bundle of joy. (Hint: It's 23, but if you answered "24", eh, close enough...go ahead and write a sex-ed text if you want to.)

Peace Oot, blog-heads!

13 Comments:

  • what about that hairy palms thing? is that true?

    By Blogger cookie christine, at Mon Apr 17, 02:48:00 PM 2006  

  • Always remember HWJHI (How Would Jesus Have Intercourse).

    By Blogger DrMax, at Mon Apr 17, 03:15:00 PM 2006  

  • Cookie Christine- No, that's not true....but it will fall off if you don't leave it alone.

    drmax- ummm, I'm guessing missionary...

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Mon Apr 17, 04:20:00 PM 2006  

  • but it will fall off if you don't leave it alone.

    So that's where it went. Damn.

    By Blogger Otto Man, at Mon Apr 17, 09:34:00 PM 2006  

  • Can I get pregnant from reading your blog? I'm worried now.

    By Blogger "AG", at Tue Apr 18, 05:49:00 AM 2006  

  • otto man-check the lost and found.

    ag-yes, you are now carrying my child. Leopold if it's a boy, Leopoldina if a girl?

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Tue Apr 18, 08:13:00 AM 2006  

  • Found it!

    By Blogger Otto Man, at Tue Apr 18, 05:58:00 PM 2006  

  • SSB- I think those names are fitting! I bet this is the first blog baby conception ever!

    By Blogger "AG", at Tue Apr 18, 07:08:00 PM 2006  

  • Seriously, does it say "thinking person"? My doctor told me that the nerves didn't even connect to the brain until the end of the fourth month, and then only tenuously and in some parts. Worrying.

    By Blogger Elizabeth, at Wed Apr 19, 07:52:00 AM 2006  

  • Well, does this mean I can abort this unthinking thing up until the 43rd day? I'm so confused.

    By Blogger Shannon, at Wed Apr 19, 06:47:00 PM 2006  

  • elizabeth- yep, it really says that. It also says that abstinence will prevent depression. Not may prevent depression, but will prevent depression.

    shannon- if you even think about abortion, you are going to hell...unless you are born-again. Then you can lie, cheat, steal, stick firecrackers up frogs butts, break the law with utter contempt and start a war just for shits and giggles. And drive drunk, too. And God can't do nothin' about it!

    By Blogger sideshow bob, at Thu Apr 20, 08:16:00 AM 2006  

  • I think they are wrong about the abstinence thing. But that's just me.

    What a travesty. A class-action suit is just waiting to be held.

    By Blogger Elizabeth, at Mon Apr 24, 06:50:00 AM 2006  

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