"Good Night Springton...There Will Be No Oncores..."

It All Comes Back To The Simpsons has now officially been put out to stud. Seeing as how it never won a damn thing in its life, I foresee many, many lonely nights spent gently sobbing out in the pasture, with the constant sting of horsefly bites as the only companionship.


While I have truly enjoyed the format of this online journal, or "blog", if you will, I have found it to be more and more constraining as of late. Every idea I have for a new post requires me to spend additional time and/or mental energy sussing out a pertinent title. Nuts to that.

But fear not, tolerant reader. I do not intend to resign myself to smolder wretchedly on the dust heap of history. I hate to be "that guy", but I'm going to be posting all my new material over at Music for Dumbasses, requiring everyone to monkey around with their sidebar and change my link. Or you could just do like me and hopscotch across the trail of abandoned blogs until you arrive at the one you're looking for.

"Will Milhouse And I Be Friends When We're Toothless Old Men With Hair Coming Out Of Our Ears?"

I'm sure that many of my readers, by which I mean more than two, know that I have a soft spot for women musicians. Not the Jessica Simpson or Britney types...I much prefer talent and intelligence over looks. And being that I am a fervent believer in supporting local music, I would be remiss in whatever duties I imagine I might have if I didn't let all of my readers (by which I mean more than two) in on a wonderful Minneapolis band I've come across recently.

They're called Best Friends Forever, and they actually have been, in the parlance of the times, BFFs for over 12 years. Their music is simple, funny, and catchy as hell, but also with some depth to it. Do yourself a favor and check them out.

They have a show in Minneapolis on the 16th, and hopefully I'll be there.

Hmmm...seeing as this post is a little thin, hows about I leave you with one of my favorite videos ever:

"Hitler, North Dakota?"

Some people will tell you that the gravest threat to our national security is terrorism. Others might say that it's global warming. It occurs to me that a threat far more insidious is the way we Americans have been broadcasting our ignorance across the planet.

Last night I wept for my country when I came across the show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? on...surprise: Fox Network (hey, they know their demographics). The show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who comes off as a slightly more charming and articulate George W. Bush; and it is a nightmare.

First of all, it is slow: it took ten minutes to get through three questions designed for second- and third-graders. I don't know who the person was who came up with the whole "How do you keep a Polack in suspense?" angle that shows such as this one, Deal or No Deal, and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? are modeled on, but he needs to be Guantanamoed.

Second, it is frustrating and sad. Watching grown men and women expend and enormous amount of mental energy trying to divine the answer to questions such as "What ocean touches the coast of France?" and "What man was Commander-in-Chief of the Army during the U.S. Revolutionary War?" was, to be frank, depressing.

And in times such as these, do we really need another recruiting tool for al Queda?...what would you think if you were some poor schlub in a mud hut in Afghanistan witnessing Americans getting paid more money that you'll see in a lifetime merely for possessing the intellect of a ten year old?

It's enough to make poor old Frank Grimes spin in his paupers grave. I just have one question: when are they going to start giving me money for locking my keys in the car, talking on my phone while driving, or forgetting the password for my email account?

"It's Hotter Than A Faux News Weather Skank!!!"

Hey, even in times as exciting and tumultuous as these, it's hard to run a 24 hour news network and not run out of actual news. So what's a producer to do? How about having the next newscaster try-outs down at Hooters?




I especially like the way Samantha groups the news network in porn demographic terms...funny, because I'm sure it is, at least a little bit, true.



ps- the video link apparently "expires" in mid-June, so here is a permanent link to the video.

"Yeah, Well You'd Be Grumpy Too If You Were Taken Out Of Your Natural Habitat And Gawked At By A Bunch Of Slack-Jawed Yokels."

Wal-Mart....Larry the Cable Guy...the mere mention of these words will lower your IQ several points. As a former blue-collar worker, I am insulted at the suggestion that this chain store that reeks of squalor and broken dreams is supposed to always be looking out for me; or that this tired shtick is supposed to speak to my experience and worldview. And I swear to god I hope that when Larry arrives in Hell, he gets a kick squa' in the nuts for each and every "git 'er dun!" ever uttered by his slope-browed minions.

I normally would avoid any mention of L to the CG, but last Friday I was repeatedly assaulted by his visage; first on TV for his brain-dead, lame-ass movie (which I'm hoping I won't hear of after it gets dropped from any theatre stupid enough to engage it for the opening weekend), and again when I drove past the WalMart on the way home.

Imagine my shock when I saw three SUVs in a row pulling into the parking lot, all with "Git 'r Dun!" bumper sticker and/or window decals on them. Yes, sadly, the and/or in the previous sentence was necessary, as one SUV had both motifs of quintessential redneckery proudly on display. Just once I'd like to see this pulling into a WalMart parking lot:







Or maybe this:




Of course, I'd rather avoid the place all together...

"Do I Smell Vodka...And Wheatgrass?" "I Call It A 'Lawnmower'!"

I must say I'm very happy to reach all of you from the other side of Cinco de Mayo. Sy and I had a wonderful time celebrating the defeat of the French at the hands of the Mexicanos...as if that's really worth celebrating! I personally find the driving of snakes off of an island nation much more impressive. I asked Sy if there was anyone who hadn't beaten the French, and she said, "Well, this is just the Mexicans turn to celebrate. Every one should have a turn."


Sy, JD and I also got to see Mike Doughty (nee Soul Coughing) perform this weekend! My view was obstructed for most of the show...I wish I got to see him as well as you can in this picture!


When we got home after the show, we were pleasantly surprised to discover that we already had lime juice, margarita mix and tequila in our house, so we didn't have to make a special trip to the liquor store. Unfortunately, we ran out of tequila before we ran out of margarita mix...so I just substituted rum instead. I was even naive enough to think that I'd invented a new drink, the "Rumarita"! A quick check over on Sotally Tober revealed that my drink had already been invented...right down to the very name. Shazbat!

Maybe someday I'll realize the dream and invent a drink of my very own. I think that Sy invented one in college that I call '666 Couch Syrup' (it's Mountain Dew and Sloe Gin...and it'll cure what ails ya'!). Oh crap...looks like that name is taken as well. Has anyone out there invented a drink they'd like to share with us?

"Kryptonite? What's That? The -ite Suffix Suggests A Mineral."

Finally...we can knock that uppity Man of Steel down a peg or two!



Apparently, kryptonite was discovered in a mine in Serbia, which would explain the lack of Superman sightings in the former Yugoslavia. Which is just as well...I mean, how strong do you really need to be to lift a Yugo off of a citizen in distress?

The newly discovered mineral's "scientific" (read: boring) name is sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide, and it's white rather than green. Any possible degenerative properties against beings from the planet Krytpton are unexplored as of this date.

Quite simply, the is the biggest scientific find since the unearthing of the Shroud of Dr. Who. Nerds of the world, rejoice!