"Good Night Springton...There Will Be No Oncores..."

It All Comes Back To The Simpsons has now officially been put out to stud. Seeing as how it never won a damn thing in its life, I foresee many, many lonely nights spent gently sobbing out in the pasture, with the constant sting of horsefly bites as the only companionship.


While I have truly enjoyed the format of this online journal, or "blog", if you will, I have found it to be more and more constraining as of late. Every idea I have for a new post requires me to spend additional time and/or mental energy sussing out a pertinent title. Nuts to that.

But fear not, tolerant reader. I do not intend to resign myself to smolder wretchedly on the dust heap of history. I hate to be "that guy", but I'm going to be posting all my new material over at Music for Dumbasses, requiring everyone to monkey around with their sidebar and change my link. Or you could just do like me and hopscotch across the trail of abandoned blogs until you arrive at the one you're looking for.

"Will Milhouse And I Be Friends When We're Toothless Old Men With Hair Coming Out Of Our Ears?"

I'm sure that many of my readers, by which I mean more than two, know that I have a soft spot for women musicians. Not the Jessica Simpson or Britney types...I much prefer talent and intelligence over looks. And being that I am a fervent believer in supporting local music, I would be remiss in whatever duties I imagine I might have if I didn't let all of my readers (by which I mean more than two) in on a wonderful Minneapolis band I've come across recently.

They're called Best Friends Forever, and they actually have been, in the parlance of the times, BFFs for over 12 years. Their music is simple, funny, and catchy as hell, but also with some depth to it. Do yourself a favor and check them out.

They have a show in Minneapolis on the 16th, and hopefully I'll be there.

Hmmm...seeing as this post is a little thin, hows about I leave you with one of my favorite videos ever:

"Hitler, North Dakota?"

Some people will tell you that the gravest threat to our national security is terrorism. Others might say that it's global warming. It occurs to me that a threat far more insidious is the way we Americans have been broadcasting our ignorance across the planet.

Last night I wept for my country when I came across the show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? on...surprise: Fox Network (hey, they know their demographics). The show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who comes off as a slightly more charming and articulate George W. Bush; and it is a nightmare.

First of all, it is slow: it took ten minutes to get through three questions designed for second- and third-graders. I don't know who the person was who came up with the whole "How do you keep a Polack in suspense?" angle that shows such as this one, Deal or No Deal, and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? are modeled on, but he needs to be Guantanamoed.

Second, it is frustrating and sad. Watching grown men and women expend and enormous amount of mental energy trying to divine the answer to questions such as "What ocean touches the coast of France?" and "What man was Commander-in-Chief of the Army during the U.S. Revolutionary War?" was, to be frank, depressing.

And in times such as these, do we really need another recruiting tool for al Queda?...what would you think if you were some poor schlub in a mud hut in Afghanistan witnessing Americans getting paid more money that you'll see in a lifetime merely for possessing the intellect of a ten year old?

It's enough to make poor old Frank Grimes spin in his paupers grave. I just have one question: when are they going to start giving me money for locking my keys in the car, talking on my phone while driving, or forgetting the password for my email account?