It All Comes Back To The Simpsons: "The Fingers You Have Used To Dial Are Too Fat...To Obtain A Special Dialing Wand, Mash The Keypad With Your Palm Now."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

"The Fingers You Have Used To Dial Are Too Fat...To Obtain A Special Dialing Wand, Mash The Keypad With Your Palm Now."

I like to think that this guy, at some point in his life, said to a loved one or close friend, "If I'm ever 600 pounds, and living in a mobile home in Missouri, just kill me. Seriously...you'd be doing me a solid."

Frankly, I think if the smoke inhalation hadn't gotten him, the embarrassment of being an object of ridicule for a bunch of slack-jawed yokels as they cut open the trailer with the Jaws Of Life and pulled him out onto the lawn decorated by someone with more plastic pink flamingoes than good taste would've. It's not my style to make fun of the morbidly obese dearly departed, it just always shocks me when things get so out of control. I mean, he must have had enablers...who were these people bringing home the Big Macs and Chocodiles to this guy when he hit 5 Large?

It's easy to point fingers at fat people, saying that if they only had more control they wouldn't be in such a sorry state (I'm refering here to both obesity and Missouri). So let's just do that...

Just kidding. Be nice to the glandularly challenged. But knock it off with the Ho-Ho's when they can't fit out the door anymore.

12 Comments:

Hell yeah.

I plan to get fat when I turn sixty. Letting myself go will be yummy.

By Anonymous, at Tue Oct 25, 08:37:00 PM 2005
It's survival of the fittest I suppose...although in the strictest sense of the theory, he's already bred , so his genes are already circulating in the genepool.

The Dali Lama says to have compassion...so I'm trying.

By Shannon, at Wed Oct 26, 10:29:00 AM 2005
Roommate and I were having this EXACT conversation the other night as we watched this show on MTV about this kid who was like 17 and weighed 450 pounds. It was his graduation and his mom (who was normal-sized) had a party for him and served wings and fried chicken and cake and hotdogs and chips and soda and we were like, "what the EFF, man? Your mom is totally trying to kill you!"

By ORF, at Thu Oct 27, 11:09:00 AM 2005
Why is the people who smoke all day, eat to excess or do as much drugs as Keith Richards live forever?

Billy Joel had it right, 'cuz only the good die young.

By Shamus O'Drunkahan, at Thu Oct 27, 07:39:00 PM 2005
I bet as the mobile home was going up in flames and the realization that they were not going to be able to save him set in, he thought to himself, "I guess my doctor was right, I really could have done without all those Monster Thickburgers!"

By Sylvana, at Sat Oct 29, 12:20:00 PM 2005
Did you hear about that fat lady in Florida who was housebound and her skin was grafted and growing onto her couch because she hadn't moved from it in about six years? The rescue crews had to wear Hazmat suits to go inside from the fumes her body was emitting (she was still alive, but later died). They had to cut down the wall of her house to take her and the couch she was growing on to the hospital. I wish I had made this up. The reporters on the news could barely keep a straight face when they read this.

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