It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

"Good Night Springton...There Will Be No Oncores..."

2007-06-19T15:03:00.000-05:00

It All Comes Back To The Simpsons has now officially been put out to stud. Seeing as how it never won a damn thing in its life, I foresee many, many lonely nights spent gently sobbing out in the pasture, with the constant sting of horsefly bites as the only companionship.

While I have truly enjoyed the format of this online journal, or "blog", if you will, I have found it to be more and more constraining as of late. Every idea I have for a new post requires me to spend additional time and/or mental energy sussing out a pertinent title. Nuts to that.

But fear not, tolerant reader. I do not intend to resign myself to smolder wretchedly on the dust heap of history. I hate to be "that guy", but I'm going to be posting all my new material over at Music for Dumbasses, requiring everyone to monkey around with their sidebar and change my link. Or you could just do like me and hopscotch across the trail of abandoned blogs until you arrive at the one you're looking for.

"Will Milhouse And I Be Friends When We're Toothless Old Men With Hair Coming Out Of Our Ears?"

2007-06-07T18:17:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that many of my readers, by which I mean more than two, know that I have a soft spot for women musicians. Not the Jessica Simpson or Britney types...I much prefer talent and intelligence over looks. And being that I am a fervent believer in supporting local music, I would be remiss in whatever duties I imagine I might have if I didn't let all of my readers (by which I mean more than two) in on a wonderful Minneapolis band I've come across recently.

They're called Best Friends Forever, and they actually have been, in the parlance of the times, BFFs for over 12 years. Their music is simple, funny, and catchy as hell, but also with some depth to it. Do yourself a favor and check them out.

They have a show in Minneapolis on the 16th, and hopefully I'll be there.

Hmmm...seeing as this post is a little thin, hows about I leave you with one of my favorite videos ever:

"Hitler, North Dakota?"

2007-06-01T11:41:00.000-05:00

Some people will tell you that the gravest threat to our national security is terrorism. Others might say that it's global warming. It occurs to me that a threat far more insidious is the way we Americans have been broadcasting our ignorance across the planet.

Last night I wept for my country when I came across the show Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader? on...surprise: Fox Network (hey, they know their demographics). The show is hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who comes off as a slightly more charming and articulate George W. Bush; and it is a nightmare.

First of all, it is slow: it took ten minutes to get through three questions designed for second- and third-graders. I don't know who the person was who came up with the whole "How do you keep a Polack in suspense?" angle that shows such as this one, Deal or No Deal, and Who Wants To Be a Millionaire? are modeled on, but he needs to be Guantanamoed.

Second, it is frustrating and sad. Watching grown men and women expend and enormous amount of mental energy trying to divine the answer to questions such as "What ocean touches the coast of France?" and "What man was Commander-in-Chief of the Army during the U.S. Revolutionary War?" was, to be frank, depressing.

And in times such as these, do we really need another recruiting tool for al Queda?...what would you think if you were some poor schlub in a mud hut in Afghanistan witnessing Americans getting paid more money that you'll see in a lifetime merely for possessing the intellect of a ten year old?

It's enough to make poor old Frank Grimes spin in his paupers grave. I just have one question: when are they going to start giving me money for locking my keys in the car, talking on my phone while driving, or forgetting the password for my email account?

"It's Hotter Than A Faux News Weather Skank!!!"

2007-05-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

Hey, even in times as exciting and tumultuous as these, it's hard to run a 24 hour news network and not run out of actual news. So what's a producer to do? How about having the next newscaster try-outs down at Hooters?

I especially like the way Samantha groups the news network in porn demographic terms...funny, because I'm sure it is, at least a little bit, true.

ps- the video link apparently "expires" in mid-June, so here is a permanent link to the video.

"Yeah, Well You'd Be Grumpy Too If You Were Taken Out Of Your Natural Habitat And Gawked At By A Bunch Of Slack-Jawed Yokels."

2007-05-13T23:15:00.000-05:00

Wal-Mart....Larry the Cable Guy...the mere mention of these words will lower your IQ several points. As a former blue-collar worker, I am insulted at the suggestion that this chain store that reeks of squalor and broken dreams is supposed to always be looking out for me; or that this tired shtick is supposed to speak to my experience and worldview. And I swear to god I hope that when Larry arrives in Hell, he gets a kick squa' in the nuts for each and every "git 'er dun!" ever uttered by his slope-browed minions.

I normally would avoid any mention of L to the CG, but last Friday I was repeatedly assaulted by his visage; first on TV for his brain-dead, lame-ass movie (which I'm hoping I won't hear of after it gets dropped from any theatre stupid enough to engage it for the opening weekend), and again when I drove past the WalMart on the way home.

Imagine my shock when I saw three SUVs in a row pulling into the parking lot, all with "Git 'r Dun!" bumper sticker and/or window decals on them. Yes, sadly, the and/or in the previous sentence was necessary, as one SUV had both motifs of quintessential redneckery proudly on display. Just once I'd like to see this pulling into a WalMart parking lot:

Or maybe this:

Of course, I'd rather avoid the place all together...

"Do I Smell Vodka...And Wheatgrass?" "I Call It A 'Lawnmower'!"

2007-05-07T18:53:00.000-05:00

I must say I'm very happy to reach all of you from the other side of Cinco de Mayo. Sy and I had a wonderful time celebrating the defeat of the French at the hands of the Mexicanos...as if that's really worth celebrating! I personally find the driving of snakes off of an island nation much more impressive. I asked Sy if there was anyone who hadn't beaten the French, and she said, "Well, this is just the Mexicans turn to celebrate. Every one should have a turn."

Sy, JD and I also got to see Mike Doughty (nee Soul Coughing) perform this weekend! My view was obstructed for most of the show...I wish I got to see him as well as you can in this picture!

When we got home after the show, we were pleasantly surprised to discover that we already had lime juice, margarita mix and tequila in our house, so we didn't have to make a special trip to the liquor store. Unfortunately, we ran out of tequila before we ran out of margarita mix...so I just substituted rum instead. I was even naive enough to think that I'd invented a new drink, the "Rumarita"! A quick check over on Sotally Tober revealed that my drink had already been invented...right down to the very name. Shazbat!

Maybe someday I'll realize the dream and invent a drink of my very own. I think that Sy invented one in college that I call '666 Couch Syrup' (it's Mountain Dew and Sloe Gin...and it'll cure what ails ya'!). Oh crap...looks like that name is taken as well. Has anyone out there invented a drink they'd like to share with us?

"Kryptonite? What's That? The -ite Suffix Suggests A Mineral."

2007-04-24T18:49:00.000-05:00

Finally...we can knock that uppity Man of Steel down a peg or two!

Apparently, kryptonite was discovered in a mine in Serbia, which would explain the lack of Superman sightings in the former Yugoslavia. Which is just as well...I mean, how strong do you really need to be to lift a Yugo off of a citizen in distress?

The newly discovered mineral's "scientific" (read: boring) name is sodium lithium boron silicate hydroxide, and it's white rather than green. Any possible degenerative properties against beings from the planet Krytpton are unexplored as of this date.

Quite simply, the is the biggest scientific find since the unearthing of the Shroud of Dr. Who. Nerds of the world, rejoice!

"That's How Jackie Got Her 'O'!"

2007-04-14T02:32:00.000-05:00

Fox News is funny, but not "ha, ha" funny.

The Onion Radio News is no Fox News.

"Silly Customer, You Cannot Hurt A Twinkie!"

2007-04-08T16:38:00.000-05:00

It's true, you know. Twinkies are specifically designed to never go bad. According to the man who wrote the book on Twinkies, Interstate Brands Corporation, the company responsible for giving us these goo-crammed delights, brings in ingredients from all corners of the globe to construct the mighty Twinkie.

With ingredients such as food-grade plaster of Paris, and various sundry goos and gunks, Twinkies truly are a miracle, space-age food, almost Tang-like in stature and prominence.

And talk about versatile...fuhget aboudit! I heard that if you age them 20 years, the creme filling turns to liquor!

"...Sha-La-la-laaaa..."

2007-03-31T18:15:00.000-05:00

"Well there ain't no nothin' we can't love each other through..."

Many people remember the show Family Ties as the weakest link in what was, in retrospect, actually a fairly lame Thursday night schedule. Remember the Thursday night juggernaut that sent chills of the spines of TV execs working for CBS and ABC? (Oh, my mistake...TV execs don't actually have spines.)

The Cosby Show sucked like I suck down Pudding Pops (i.e. mightily). Night Court might have been good if it weren't for that ambiguously gay judge and the frequent "Velvet Fog" afflictions. Cheers is really the only show from that night that even comes close to holding up over the years.

And then there was that show about the dirty hippie parents with the "ditto-head" demon-spawn and the borderline-retarded older sister...I bet those hippies regret all those acid trips now! They also had a sickeningly cute baby, and no other kids.

It's funny how all these shows I haven't seen in so long can still be so fresh and clear in my mind; almost more like instinct than memory. When the subject of Family Ties comes up (and let's face it: what day doesn't it come up), three things immediately flood into my mind:

-Alex P. Keaton managing his lame sister's lame girl group, making them sing "Mr. Sandman" all over Ohio.

-Sit Ubu, sit! Good dog.

-And now, the image of that cute little whippersnapper sitting on Elyse's lap beating womens.

What would we do baby? Without love?

"Look At Those Non-Skybox Losers Down There, Watching Hockey Without Sushi...If You Can Call That Hockey."

2007-03-27T20:50:00.000-05:00

Wow...I never really understood this quote before, but now here I am, eating sushi in my living room, with the hockey game on.

I'm livin' the dream, people!!!

Thanks to Sy for making the yummy sushi! Paul Newman would approve.

"Ladies And Gentlemen, The Clown Show Has Been Put On Hiatus For Retooling."

2007-03-20T19:11:00.000-05:00

I know what you're all thinking...where's SSB been?

Is on strike, holding out for more of that sweet, sweet Blogger moola?

Did he tie up Dear Abby in his basement, and now he's writing her column?

Nah...nothing that exciting. It's just that like fellow blog-head Shannon, I gots nothin'!

Nothin' 'cept this kick-ass video, that is.

Space exploration, NIN, computer animation, sweet production...what's not to like?

"Ahh...The First Time I've Ever Been Early For Work. Except For All Those Daylight Savings Days...Lousy Farmers!"

2007-03-11T23:03:00.000-05:00

Let's see...what's going on in the world these days...hmmmm....

Nothing here.

Nothing here.

I know...let's devote several minutes of our newscast to all of the idiots among us who are bewildered by Daylight Savings Time (click on the video link under the big clock. If you like watching people bitch about absolutely nothing, it'll be worth the two minutes).

I mean, not only do we have to deal with the profound, utter confusion that normally accompanies the Great Spring Forward, but now...holy shit! It's several weeks early!!! And they've only been talking about it on the news for several weeks! How on God's green earth can mere mortals be expected to keep up with this madness?!?

OK, as a public service, let me walk through this with you:

On Sunday, when you wake up, set the clocks ahead one damn hour...THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT!!!

Seriously, is it really that hard for people to wrap their heads around?

p.s. I realize this post is a little late, but the whole deal with the time change today kind of threw me off. I mean, WTF...can't we pick a time and go with it?!?

Over The Years, A Newsman Learns A Number Of Things That He Just Cannot Report...It Doesn't Seem To Matter Now, So: The Following People Are Gay."

2007-03-03T12:41:00.000-06:00

Didja hear? Ann Colter said John Edwards was a "faggot"! Isn't she just so outrageous!

Normally, I would not waste time acknowledging her existence, but I have to say that I'm a little disappointed (actually, a lot pissed) that her hate speech is going pretty much unreported in the so-called Liberal Media (which, as far as I can tell, is any news source that isn't owned by Rupert Murdock).

The Boston Globe doesn't mention it.

USA Today doesn't mention it.

No mention on the CBS News website.

The NY Times mentions her name (in the 14th paragraph), but makes no mention of her homophobic slur.

It's not that I think that her spiteful incivility is in anyway newsworthy...I think that the applause she got after making the remark is.

Miss Ann Colter

"Woo Hoo! Four Day Weekend!"

2007-03-02T09:53:00.000-06:00

Ah, Snow Day...are there two words more sweet in the English language (with the possible exception of de-fault)? I've never heard of school days being canceled due to a "Hot Day"...and even if that did happen, I'm sure kids didn't run outside, eyes wide with wonderment, to frolic in the heat. And did you know that the Eskimoes have over 100 words for "snow day"? It's (probably) true!

I'm off to go eat some snow. It's chock-full of vitamins and minerals, especially the yellow kind...although, I must admit, it is an acquired taste. Hope wherever you are, the weather is making you experience child-like giddiness.

"Hey, The Sidewalk's Fer Regular Walkin', Not Fancy Walkin'!"

2007-02-22T16:43:00.000-06:00

Allow me to get the following disclaimer: I am no lover of sidewalks. Given the opportunity, I always choose to leave the pavement and stroll upon the grass. And I'm not above sharing the road...even with biketards.

However, I can find no reason why joggers around here run out on the street rather than on the sidewalks. I could understand jogging on the grassy median between the sidewalk and the street in order to make things easier on the knees, but forsaking the sidewalk in order to play in traffic seems more like a pathetic cry for attention. Kid of like those kids that drive back and forth on your street, bass pumping, in the desperate hope that somebody will notice them.

That's why I really don't feel any regret when I run them over...Jerks!

"Stupid Poetic Justice!"

2007-02-14T15:02:00.000-06:00

Well, less than 48 hours after I mock the flu shot, guess what happens...I suppose that'll teach us not to visit friends with sick kids this time of year.

The flu raged through our single-bathroom household, which can be tricky, as well as disgusting. Fortunately, Lady Influenza was kind enough to spread out the peak of illness among our family members, so no one had to go outside to barf, which is always nice.

As far as the flu goes, this one wasn't too bad. I've had much worse. A couple of years ago, we had a flu go through our house that literally had me on the bathroom floor, clutching my stomach, praying for death for about 6-8 hours. That one su-ucked!

I do find that a good stint of sickness like the flu is often good for recharging my batteries. After I recover, it just feels so good to be able to do normal things again that some primal enthusiasm effervesces to the top; a sort of joie-de-no-more-puking.

How's that for a Valentine's Post?

"They're Controlling Our Minds With Flu Shots...I Knew It!"

2007-02-09T19:09:00.000-06:00

Fear...it drives the economy. You know, I rememeber the days when the lubricant that ran the Capitalist Machine was the blood of the workers; now our lube of choice is panic sweat. That's right, I said it: Lube of Choice!

Now the big panic, er...economic opportunity, is influenza. Remeber the past few years, when there were shortages of flu vaccine? Well, this year they were plentiful, so of course no one wanted them. Until now. Now that news of three kids dying from flu-related illnesses in the past few days, there has been a MAD rush to have the children get their inoculation on.

The local news has been quick to recognize their responsibility to spread panic. TV ads are asking, "Is there a new supervirus attacking our children?" There are interviews of suburban housewives in tears after learning that their little babies can't get a shot today because the clinic was closing for the day.

Personally, I side with Flanders on the issue of flu shots. As far as I'm concerned, the only reason to get an inoculation is for the sweet, sweet lollipop.

Mmmmmmm....Sweeeet!

"Hey, It's Saturday...Your Powers Are Useless Against Me!"

2007-01-29T20:07:00.000-06:00

Last Friday, the SSB family went for a beautiful, albeit short (1km), candlelit walk through the local State Park. The sky was clear, and there was a bright 3/4 moon high in the sky. Due to the snow on the ground, any noise in the environment was dampened down to near non-existence.

There was a short break in the frigid temperatures; it was around 32 degrees, and no wind (as in no wind chill!). The path through the woods was set on either side with candles, about 15 or 20 feet apart. Oh, we had a wonderful time...at least until the fast walkers caught up with us near the end of the trail. "Why go on a beautiful candlelit walk and walk as fast as you can?" Sy was heard to remark.

After the leisurely stroll through the peaceful wood, we stopped at the nature center for hot apple cider and cookies. People came and went out of the small building, sharing pleasantries and smiles. We sat down, letting the apple-tones fade from our cheeks.

After a couple of minutes, the door opened, and in walked a young girl, probably about 13 or so. Almost immediately, a woman seated a few chairs down from us took notice. Her face lit up and she enthusiastically called out the girl's name, telling her "hi" and asking how she liked the walk. Turns out the woman was the girl's teacher.

The girl looked at the woman, surprised at first, then wary, and then became entirely uninterested. She stood there, froze, nodding in a barely perceptible way and uttering one word answers only when completely necessary. Soon, the conversation, if it could be called conversation, drifted into nothingness, at which point the girl stood there awkwardly for a few more moments, then turned on her heel and exited the building, forgoing any cookies and/or cider she might have been entitled to.

I felt so bad for that teacher...she seemed so nice.

Hey Guys...I'm Lookin' For Amanda Hugginkiss...Oh, Why Can't I Find Amanda Hugginkiss?!?"

2007-01-23T17:57:00.000-06:00

I thought that I'd do something totally original in this post...go somewhere where no one had gone, and I didn't care whose toes I would step on.

Then I found it too hard and decided to write about cell phones and the people who love them.

**cough**

So the other day, I saw two young metrosexuals walking down the street, each talking on a cell phone. Am I the only one who assumes that if you see two people walking with each other, each with a phone to their ear, that they obviously must be talking to each other? Not that I'd blame them; when Sy and I first got our phones, we'd call each other from different rooms in the house. Hey, if we don't use those free minutes, we lose 'em! And yes, we are freaks.

Speaking of cell phones and freaks, we saw the strangest thing this weekend. Sy and I and JD went bowling (we've got to keep in top physical condition now that we're in a league), and there was a woman talking on her cell phone while she was bowling. No, not while sitting and waiting for her turn; actually during the approach and roll...weird!

"Dude, Videotaping This Crime Spree Is The Best Idea We've Ever Had!"

2007-01-16T16:06:00.000-06:00

As a nerd, I have long longed for anti-bully reform in our nation's statutes and school charters. My son, also a nerd (we come from a long line), has encountered the occassional bully, but thankfully only of the teasing type and not the kicking-your-ass type.

I was able to figure out by the tender age of nine that if the schools would just expel bullies, bullying would soon cease to be a problem; at least a problem of the magnitude that it now is. Most incidents of school violence, including Columbine and other school shootings, where students are described as "snapping" or "freaking out" for seemingly no reson can be traced back to bullying.

Now, even Homer Simpson can tell you that bullies can be a clever bunch, but thankfully their cleverness mostly revolves around inventive ways to torture people. And thankfully, we live in an age that treasures media exposure and publicity above all else. And that's how we get this story. Make sure to click on the video link...although girl fights just aren't as exciting with the faces all blurred:(

It's unfortunate to see that the girls were merely suspended rather than expelled, and that the victim chose not to press charges, but I do love the irony of the nerdly invention of the internet being the undoing of these bullies. Louis, Gilbert, and all the rest of the Tri-Lams must be extra proud today.

"Yeah, I Like To Make Up Words Too."

2007-01-10T09:36:00.000-06:00

Let my proclamation go out across the land: I am the master of asperbayerprepareperfection!*

I can, without fail, always, ALWAYS (except maybe once or twice) extract the exact number of pills desired from a bottle of medicine, be it asprin, allergy pills, children's chewable codine, or even CIA-distributed suicide pills. Although I really wonder why anyone would need a whole bottle of suicide pills. Oh well...that's the government for you.

Do you have any mad secret skills?

Or favorite made-up words?

*remember sniglets?

"Thank Goodness I Still Live In A World Of Telephones, Car Batteries, Handguns, And Many Things Made Of Zinc."

2007-01-03T14:34:00.000-06:00

You can add diarrhea relief to that list. And you might remember that a few years ago zinc was in the news becuase of its cold-fighting abilities. Zinc is so versatile that it's classified as a transitional metal. Transition players are valuable atheletes, and I assume the same standards hold true in the world of chemicals. Good old Zn...atomic number 30...is there anything it can't do?

Those of you in the know who recognize the above quote should get an extra kick out of this MST3K short:

Mystery Science Theater 3000 short: Spring Fever (MST3K)

"He's History's Greatest Monster!"

2006-12-30T23:25:00.000-06:00

No, I'm not refering to the late Saddam "Snugglebunnies" Huessin, but close.

You see, it occurred to me not long after I had absorbed hours and hours of coverage of Gerald Ford's death that good old Jimmy is likely next in line for the Grim Reaper. Just how will the sensationalistic news organizations handle the death of a *gasp* Democratic ex-President? Will Fox "News" saturate its airwaves with wall-to-wall coverage of what a great humanitarian he was? Will they at least concede that his heart was in the right place and he did the best he could with what he had to work with?

Or will we get 24 hour coverage on how he supposedly plagiarized maps in his book?

p.s.-the bit in the link about Carter is Reference #10.

p.p.s.-if you read further, you'll notice that even Saddam Hussein himself was guilty of plagiarism (reference #33)...small world.

"Aren't We Forgetting The True Meaning Of Christmas...You Know, The Birth Of Santa?"

2006-12-25T12:11:00.000-06:00

In these divisive times, when giant news conglomorates try to boost their bottom line at the end of the year by cynically claiming that anyone who wishes you a "happy holiday" is working in concert with Osama and Satan, I think it's important that we remember the true reason for the season:

To get our kids to stop acting like little hellions for about a month by threatening them with the quantity and quality of presents they will receive depending on their behavior. Bribery, shame, extortion; these are the gifts that truly keep giving.

Oh, and the hanky-panky feels just a little bit naughtier this time of year, so that's nice...

2006-12-21T15:33:00.000-06:00

"That's Right, Do Your Dirty Sinful Business. Don't Stop The Music."

This is so immature. Shame on you for laughing!

Seriously though, it has been said that comedy is all about timing and delivery. These things are infinitely more important when it comes to fart jokes. Almost all of them are bad and tasteless and entirely unclever.

That said, this guy pulls it off.

"Won't It Be Great To Cast Off The Shackles Of The Soul-Crushing Hellhole That Is Springfield Elementary?"

2006-12-12T21:48:00.000-06:00

To paraphrase Bart Simpson: School work is for suckers! I'm into my last week this semester, and I can't wait until next week.

Beer party at my house on Monday! Good luck finding it!

Oh, and BYOB!

Some for me too, while you're at it, if you wouldn't mind...

"The Lesson Is: Our God Is Vengeful! O Spiteful One, Show Me Who To Smite And They Shall Be Smoten!"

2006-12-01T18:38:00.000-06:00

Ja ever notice how many of Jesus's proponents have such a hard time following his example?

Well, this guy is Jewish (not unlike Jesus Himself!) but he seems to grasp the concept. Like he says in his speech, "I'm pretty sure when God said love thy neighbor, he didn't mean kill them."

If you've got about 45 minutes to waste on a public speech, give it a listen. Then, having done something constructive for the day, you can waste the rest of your day traipsing through the darker parts of the internets virtually guilt-free!

"How Much Money Did He Piss Away On This?"

2006-11-26T20:53:00.000-06:00

Geez, just when those damnable political ads are finally at an end, here come the damnable Christmas ads...

Of all the stupid ads (for diamonds, tickle-me-whatnots, etc.), the one I most despise is the insipid Lexus campaign. These ads take the worst of the greediness and consumerism and affluenza that have hijacked the holidays and compress it into a 30 second orgy of hedonistic debauchery and unrestrained self-indulgence...OK, maybe they aren't that bad, but Lord knows they do make the stomach turn. The couples make me sick; somehow even the token black couple looks WASPy.

In the Sy and SSB household, we have a little tradition where instead of buying gifts for ourselves and our friends and relatives (all of whom have too much stuff already, thank you), we go out and buy large quantities of toys for charity and large quantities of food for the local food shelves. And it makes us feel even better than buying a luxury car on a whimsical impulse like it was a box of chocolates.

2006-11-16T21:12:00.000-06:00

"Ahhh...That's The Stuff!"

Como se dice...."most awesome thing ever", en espanol?

(Also, how do you do an upsidedown question mark en el Blogger?)

"He Didn't Give You Gay, Did He!?!"

2006-11-08T20:32:00.000-06:00

Well, SSB's head is hanging down today, disgraced that majority of the citizens in the land I love, Wisconsin, has taken it upon themselves to write discrimination, hatred and bigotry into our state constitution with the passage of the so-call "Defense of Marriage" amendment. Defense of Marriage?!? Really?!? Just who are these unstable heteros whose marriages are threatened by the matrimohomoterrorists?!? And why doesn't my keyboard have an interrobang key?!?

I've always thought of Wisconsin as a fairly progressive state. Sure, there are a fair share of Larry the Cable Guywannabes and Johnny-Bible-thumps in residence, but by and large, we are a mostly "you leave me alone and I'll leave you alone" kind of place. For Chrissakes, we re-elected the only senator who didn't vote for the "Patriot Act", our state motto is "Forward", and we are the proud homeland of one Arthur Herbert Fonzarelli a.k.a. "The Fonz"...maybe you've heard of him?

Anyhoo, I found it deliciously ironic that the day our tribute to homophobia passed, Brittney Spears' seemingly rock-solid marriage ended. Maybe marriage does need defending, but it seems to me that it's the breeders that are the ones who are damaging its foundations.

"Deep Down Iside You Secretly Long For A Cold-Hearted Republican To Lower Taxes, Brutalize Criminals, And Rule You Like A King."

2006-11-06T20:46:00.000-06:00

Get out and vote!

...and be careful what you wish for...

"I'm Not Very Political..In Fact, I Usually Think People Who Vote Are A Bit 'Fruity', But This Guy Really Speaks To Me."

2006-10-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

What the hell? you ask, incredulously.

Where the hell has SSB gone?

Was he abducted and probed by aliens?

Abducted and probed by the gubment?

Abducted and probed AND had his taxes raised by those dastardly Demmycrats?

Sadly, no. Frankly, I just haven't been feeling it lately. Oh well...it happens to the best of us.....

Now, you probably haven't noticed, but those of us with a keen sense of media savvy have figured out that there's going to be an election soon. And SSB has had it up to HERE with politics. November 7th can't come soon enough (November 8th for you liberals).

Maybe you should listen to this guy instead of reading this drivel...sheesh!

"I Can Handle That. I'm An Expert At Phony Apologies."

2006-10-20T13:10:00.000-05:00

Kim Jong Il has apologized for his little "nuclear oopsie", expressing deep regrets for his naughty behaviour. Through a translator, he was quoted as saying, "What can I say? I'm a bad wittle boy."

Good for him. He must know we can't stay mad at him when he makes those sad puppy dog eyes, the little scamp. But seriously...straight to bed without WMD's for you, young man!

"Oh Boy, Sleep...That's Where I'm A Viking!"

2006-10-17T00:11:00.000-05:00

Oh...so weary...so weary.

Forgive me for taking a relaxed attitude towards blogging and watching the baseball match, but the Nie Mets are favorite squadron.

Anyhoo, here's a little number I think you might like...have you ever wondered what it would sound like if a fun-loving, hard-rocking contemporary American musical combo performed a composition comprised entirely of Ralph Wiggum quotes?

I think it might go a little something like this:

Bloodhound Gang - Ralph Wiggum

"If You Leave Milk Out, It Can Go Sour. Put It In A Refrigerator, Or, Failing That, A Cool, Wet Sack."

2006-10-09T20:31:00.000-05:00

Oh.

My.

God.

My, what sad state of affairs are we in, when the news is taking the time to tell us that we need to refrigerate foods that have labels saying "Keep Refrigerated"?

In a related story, make sure to put your garbage in a garbage can, people. I can't stress that enough. Don't just throw it out the window.

"Haw Haw!"

2006-09-29T20:16:00.000-05:00

The Internets claim another victim. Remember all that stuff about restoring dignity to government?

Like I said: "Haw Haw"!

"I'm Sick Of Being A Wannabe League Bowler! I Wanna Be A League Bowler!"

2006-09-26T08:19:00.000-05:00

We've finally made it to the pinnacle of middle-aged American life, baby...Sy and I are joining a bowling league!

I actually have been in an league once before, in college. In fact, I got me a plaque for men's high game score (210!) The women's high game score that year was 211...happily, my plaque honors my bowling prowess without mentioning I was beat by a girl.

Sy and I just bought a bowling ball about a month ago, and we have yet to break it in. She's a beaut; a lovely little blue and white swirled 8 pounder, which fits right into my bowling strategery: Get the lightest ball and chuck it HARD at the center pin. Even if I'm off target and only hit the 7 or 10 pin, the force of the ball sends the pin flying and caroming off the walls and into a couple other pins.

Of course, in league bowling, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get. And it's always an honor just to be in the presence of these great athletes, these Adonises in polyester and used shoes, these legends of the storied lanes of times past, with their likeness crudely etched into the Ball-O-Shine-O, with more talent than hair, and more corpulence than talent.

See you on the lanes, suckas!!!

"Uhh...We're Not Smoking Reefer!" OR "Make Way For Willie!"

2006-09-19T08:40:00.000-05:00

Willie Nelson just got busted smoking pot with his 75 year old sister.

I'm sure she wanted to decline his offer of narcotics, but you just don't say no to the Red Haired Stranger.

Seriously, Willie is awesome. What with Johnny Cash, Hank Williams, and Patsy Cline all dead, he's the last living country artist with actual talent. How about you law enforcement types busting drug-using musicians that suck, like that band that Tony Snow is in? Boy, do they ever suck. Suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked, I tells ya...

Anyhoo...Long live Willie!

"If I Didn't Have Inner Peace, I'd Completely Go Psycho On All You Guys All The Time."

2006-09-11T15:49:00.000-05:00

I wonder if Richard Gere reads this blog. I wonder, because I received a letter from him today...no, not a long overdue apology for Pretty Woman, or Runaway Bride, or any of that other clap-trap he's been unleashing on our fair nation's cinema screens, but a letter in which he expresses his moral outrage at the Chinese leadership, much as I did here.

I'm just wondering if maybe we have some weird psychic connection, because included in his letter of outrage were miniature Tibetian prayer flags. Just a couple of weeks ago, I went and hung up Tibetian prayer flags at the spot where Sy and my friend died in June. It's like he's a little gerbil running around in my head...or whatever.

If you would like to register your e-outrage at the Hu Jintao regime, head over to this site. You'll also pick up fascinating tidbits sure to charm everyone at the next dinner party you attend. "Say, did you know that 61% of Germans say that they admire the Dalai Lama?"

"Why, no," everyone will say. "We're impressed...that's a tough crowd!"

So, in conclusion: Free Tibet! And stay out of my head, Mr. Gere. Especially between 4:00 and 5:00......that's Bob's time!!!

"This Country Was Built By Carnies...Well, The Carnival Part Of It Anyway."

2006-09-05T17:26:00.000-05:00

What a magnificent Labor Day was had by our family! We went to the great Minnesota State Fair to see our neighbor perform with her band, and from there we just wandered off through the crowd, experiencing the sights, sounds, and, ah yes, the smells of the great mass of the humanity that crawls out of the woodwork to celebrate the end of summer.

Word to the wise: Sy and SSB rock the Tilt-a-Whirl! We make that shit work!

Riding the Tilt-a-Whirl properly is a lot like good comedy: it's all timing and delivery...you've got to time when to lean and you can't shy away from squashing your neighbor. Sure, you might hurt him or her, but it's for the good of the ride. Also, it's important to scope out all the seats while you're waiting in line in order to spot any bum seats that don't spin well and any seats that spin particularly well. Then, once the carnie opens the gate to let you in the ride, run like hell to your prefered seat. Don't worry about trampling any little kids on your way; they need to learn sometime that the word "fair" is used with the biting irony that can only be properly delivered through the broken, yellowed (and, in many cases, missing) teeth of a carnie.

One thing to keep in mind about the Tilt-a-Whirl, though: eat the corn dogs and cotton candy and all other stick-borne foods after riding; Sy figured that out too late:(

I think my thoughts on the whole state fair experience can be best summed up by the words of the portly gentleman who wandered past us by the Hot Dish-on-a-stick stand: "Well, that was a waste of four bucks".

"Please, Don't Eat Me! I Have A Wife And Kids...Eat Them!"

2006-08-30T08:07:00.000-05:00

Wow...I guess I haven't posted in a while. It's not my fault. I was just too damn busy. Busy being...uh, abducted by aliens. Yeah, that's the ticket!

Ok, maybe not abducted, but Sy and I went camping WAY up north this past weekend. We could see about a bajillion stars, the Milky Way, and shooting stars. We could even see lots of satellites slowly crossing the night sky, as well as one thing that we can only conclude was an alien spacecraft or top secret US military project. It crossed the sky like a satellite, but made a couple very abrupt turns of 90 degrees or more!

Unfortunately, we'd already had a couple of Leinie's in us, so any reports we made to the authorities might have been met with some skepticism. Don't worry Kang and Kodos...your secret is safe with us.

"What Happened To You China? You Used To Be Cool."

2006-08-15T08:46:00.000-05:00

Unbefuckinglievable.

It's too bad Tibet has no oil reserves, like Kuwait; or that it's existence was necessary to usher in Armageddon, like Israel; or it isn't the home of a kick-ass shortcut, like Panama. This whole thing just reaffirms what our real foreign policy is about: it's not about spreading freedom or ending repression. It's about what cool stuff do you got that we can get in exchange for helping you brown people out...

Ever since the first days of his presidency, Bush has shown his inability to stand up in any way to China. Remeber that whole thing when our plane was forced to make an emergency landing in China? One can only imagine how the Cuban Missle Crisis would've gone down on Dubya's watch.

"Hey Kids, It's Nachos, Flanders-Style: Cucumbers And Cottage Cheese!"

2006-08-14T11:14:00.000-05:00

Garrison Keillor with a spicy little number

Let me start out this post by affirming that I am a thoroughly Midwestern soul: I like a simple, slow-paced life...the sort of life that can be narrated by Garrison Keillor on qualudes; I consider it a joy and an honor to help out a neighbor when I can; and I don't care much for your fancy book-lernin'. There is one thing, however, that frustrates me to no end about residing in the Land of Bland*: I'm consisently let down by the area's feeble attempts at hot sauce.

This disappointment is usually brought on by friends. "Be careful," they'll say, offering up some so-called hot sauce, "just use a tiny bit because it packs a whallop."

I'll tell them that I really like hot sauce, so I'm sure I'll be okay. They assure me that they love hot sauce too..the hotter the better, they'll say. They beg me to trust them and just use miniscule amounts.

I used to take their advice, now I just dump the sauce on with abandon as they watch, wide-eyed and horrified, squirming ever so slightly in their seats with typical Midwestern restraint. As I take a bite, they wince and avert their eyes.

"Eh...it's sorta hot, I guess," is my inevitable reply.

I remember one day my eighth grade Spanish teacher brought in some authentic Mexican salsa and chips. Our desks were arranged in a big circle and she brought the tray around to each student at their desks. She cautioned everyone to take just a little, as it was very hot. As the chips and salsa made their way around, kids started wailing, tearing up and jumping up and down in their seats, and sucking air into their mouths in a vain attempt to cool the burning in their salsa hole.

When she got to me, I tried it...it was sorta hot, I guess.

*One of the funniest stories I've heard about the Land of Bland is from my neighbor. Apparently, her grandmother used to make her own ketchup at home because "that store-bought stuff is just too spicy!"

"I Recommend Getting A Tattoo. They Preserve The Thing You Love...Starland Vocal Band!?! They Suck!!!"

2006-08-09T12:02:00.000-05:00

Let me start out by admitting that I do not have a tattoo, nor do I ever want one. I've never felt so strongly about something that I felt the need to plunk down no small amount of cash in order to get it etched into my skin for eternity. It seems like in the last few years, my decision to not have a tattoo could be seen as more rebellious than the act of getting one. Tattos are so clich these days. You've got your barbed wire around the bicep, the chinese character on the back of the neck, the tramp stamp, the preppie girl "look at how naughty and wild I am" tattoo (nearly microscopic smear of ink on the ankle), and, of course, "Wino Forever", for anyone who's ever dated Winona Ryder.

From what I've gathered from talking to people who do have tattoos, the decision to get one usually is made under the influence of something; lust, sadness, drugs, spite, religious cult brainwashing, et cetera. I used to think that guys who got a girl's name tattooed on their body were the biggest idiots of the tattoo set, but then I saw this.

Maybe for his next tattoo, he could put "DOUCHEBAG" across his ample forehead.

"There's No Point To It. I Just Thought He Could Stand To Lose A Little Weight."

2006-08-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

I appreciate any endeavor with some originality to it. And I dig the pink shirt/vest combo. That guy has zazz!

OK Go - Here It Goes Again

It's hypnotic...like a lava lamp.

"I"ve Learned That Life Is One Crushing Defeat After Another Until You Just Wish Flanders Was Dead."

2006-07-31T12:06:00.000-05:00

How to enroll for a class online, in 15 easy steps:

Step 1: Turn on computer.

Step 2: Pick up and wave computer through the air in desperate attempt to capture the elusive wireless signal.

Step 3: Unplug and replug in wireless router...there, that did the trick. Now you're logged on to the Information Superhighway, sport!

Step 4: Select class to enroll in, double-checking to make sure that all prerequisites are met.

Step 5: Surpress anger when computer tells you that you haven't filled the prerequisite, when you remember quite vividly all the time spent filling that prerequisite the previous semester.

Step 6: Call campus to ask for help enrolling in desired class.

Step 7: Hang up and call back on land line because your cell phone is acting up.
Step 7.5: Realize with dread that you're going to have to send phone in for service.

Step 8: Place call on land line. Ask a rhetorical "what the fuck!?!" when your phone tells you that you've made a forbidden call and tells you to call customer service.

Step 9: Rummage through phone bills to confirm that yes, in fact, you did pay the last bill and your account ought to be in good standing.

Step 10: Call customer service. Wait time is approximately 20 minutes. Throw pen across room.

Step 11: Talk to dumb lady in customer service who tells you that you should be able to place calls. Well, duh...that's why I called you. The only good part of this call is when, after saying that your account was inexplicably turned off, she says, "Well, let me see if I can get you turned on."

Step 12: Rummage through drawer and find old cell phone.

Step 13: Swap smart card into old phone

Step 14: Call campus to ask for help enrolling in desired class. The person you needed to speak with just left for the day. Leave message for her, taking great care to not pepper message with the "f word".

Step 15: Step outside to take revenge on world. Return to living room when you realize it's too damn hot outside for vengence. Wonder out loud if 10:45 am is too early to start drinking.

"Is This The End Of Zombie Shakespeare?"

2006-07-25T11:24:00.000-05:00

After walking Sy to work this morning, I came home to have a bagel and some tea and just relax because yesterday I finished up my classes...No school for a month! Right on!

Anyway, as I settle down at the breakfast table and turn on the radio and I hear this: "The zombies were all arrested without further incident."

Wha...?!? The zombies were all arrested...so I don't need to board up the windows and barricasde myself indors with the shotgun? Should I be concerned? My God, they may have already infected a whole new generation of the undead!

Fortunately, I've seen enough zombie movies to know what to do: grab a baseball bat and a torch and find a romantic interest. But Sy was almost a mile away, probably blissfully unaware of the zombie threat. Christ, there could be a zombie down any one of the rows of bookshelves at the library. And she's got a juicy huge brain!!!

About 30 minutes later, I had nearly finished my preparations to cut a zombie swath across town when the news came on again: Oh!

Damn...I was all pumped to do some decapitatin'. Stupid zombiewannabes, getting me all excited over nothing!

"It's Just Made Up Words That Don't Mean Anything...Like 'Shamalamadingdong' Or 'Give Peace A Chance'.

2006-07-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

So, has everyone seen the new Citibank commercial, the one with the Beatles' "All You Need Is Love" providing the background music and it just makes you want to retch?

I've noticed for some time now the appalling practice of wonderful, generation-defining music being co-opted and sullied by soulless corporations in pursuit of the Almighty Dollar. Important artists ranging from the Beatles to Willie Nelson to Toby Keith have had their music hijacked in the name of widget-trade. (OK, I was joking about Toby; he'd name his first-born Popeye if a fried chicken joint waved a few sheckles under his nose...)

But this ad for a credit card company stating that we should realize that, in the grand scheme of things, money isn't really very important is reprehensible (or high satire...I haven't quite figured that out yet). OK, CITIGroup, if money isn't that big a deal, how about you stop charging me $39 if my damn payment is one day late? C'mon, Citibank, don't go all Yoko on me! Just love me, Citibank, love me do!

"Back Then, We Television Producers Was Just Jerks In Suits, Nothing At All Like These Days."

2006-07-12T15:26:00.000-05:00

Damn YouTube won’t let me embed this video, so’s you’ll have to follow the link to see the footage of quite possibly the smartest TV producer in the world. Frankly, if there were more producers like this guy, I think we'd all be better off.

Has it ever struck you, dear reader, what a sucky medium television is? It has such promise and potential, yet shows like Twin Peaks and Arrested Development are repeatedly cancelled while shows like Yes, Dear and Full House go on and on. And yes, I am aware that David Lynch was just making it up as he was going along, but that only underscores my point....most shows are developed, produced, and written by idiots for idiots.

I had to put up with the whole dumbing down process throughout my entire childhood in the public education system, and when I turned, all pimply-faced and adolescent-angst-ridden, to television to escape that reality, I got Who's the Boss?. Aargh!!! The only thing worse than Tony Danza is Tony Danza whining, "Annnnggeeelllaaaa!"

I used to watch quite a bit of TV. It was just sort of a conditioned response: come home from work, plop down on the couch, grab the remote, manipulate the remote while repeatedly pushing the power button because the damn batteries are weak, and bask in TV's warm, glowing, glowing warmth. Lately, however, I've not been watching it at all, and I can't say that I really miss it. I'm now able to do much more productive things, like watch stupid videos on YouTube, for example.

So hows about it: what is your alternative to television's bottomless chum-bucket? What's the best show that's been cancelled; or the worst show that hasn't been? And have you seen my remote? I can't find the f%*#ing little thing anywhere!

"The Cosmic Ballet Continues."

2006-07-09T23:19:00.000-05:00

Wow...I hadn't checked the news in the past couple weeks. Ken Lay and Patsy Ramsey both died. I suppose that balances the karmic scales a little better...

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their support and comfort. You all reached out and touched a brother's heart, for reals. This whole experience has caused me to re-examine my life and beliefs. I'm now taking regular exercise and eating better in order to stave off the early stage dad-body I've begun to develop. In the past, I've been more or less a recluse, content to not have much to do with other people, but now I'm making it a point to reach out and be more open and friendly. I'm am, of course, still planning to remain a sarcastic, irreverent smart-ass; the kind of person who can appreciate a good dead baby joke (which, as K would tell you (were she alive to tell you), is not such an easy kind of person to find). And I still plan to use parentheses inside of parentheses, as often as possible.

Sy and I met a couple at K's memorial service (well, actually we first met them, oddly enough, the day before we heard of K's death (well, actually we only met the male half of the couple at that point (see, I'm serious about the parentheses))), and we went over to their place for dinner the following week, and we had an amazing time. We're going with them to see Superman Returns tomorrow. They're so much fun to hang around with, and it's weird to think that what brought us together was K dying...it almost seems wrong, but, what are you going to do?

(some sort of clever segue ensues)

Speaking of (aforementioned segue) I also have several projects recently underway, from composing music to writing to an art project in a zen garden medium, all in an effort to try to fill the enormous creative void left in the world since K's death. Really, you have no idea what a genius she was.

So, there it is, I'm back...may God have mercy on you all.

"Ladies And Gentlemen, The Clown Show Has Been Put On Hiatus For Retooling."

2006-06-25T19:40:00.000-05:00

Taking a much needed break; I hope to resume my blogging duties in about a fortnight.

Hasta!

"Possessions Are Fleeting."

2006-06-20T09:28:00.000-05:00

As you might have read over at my honey's blog, a dear friend of ours commited suicide last Friday. I chose the title of this post because it was one of her favorites (I always got a laugh out of her when I said it), but also because it's true...the cornerstones of my beliefs are impermanence and non-attachment, but even though I can understand that rationally, living it is something else entirely ("Possession", of course, is not the appropriate word here, but it loosely refers to anyone or anything we hold dear). This morning I drove by her house and saw her car in the driveway, and just the sight of it hit me like a ton of bricks. I still don't think I've wrapped my head around the fact that I'll never see her again.

I am really going to miss her. I'm still catching myself thinking, "I wonder if K would like to go to the movies with us" or "let's have lunch with K" and stuff like that.

No matter how sad all this is, though, I'm really glad to have known her. Material possessions, and even our human bodies, may be fleeting, but she really did make a lasting impression on those of us lucky enough to count her as a friend. She was a kind and gentle soul. She was good. And I hope that wherever she is now, everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

"Liberty Bell...Liberty Bell...D'oh!"

2006-06-16T10:14:00.000-05:00

Ah, there's nothing like the feeling of pulling into an empty convenience store parking lot, all set for a quick dash in, grab a Squishy, pay at the counter, and off you go. Unfortunately, convenience stores aren't really that convenient anymore. Seems like most times I enter one lately, I get stuck behind some glassy-eyed, slack-jawed yokel, their face held mere inches above the glass display case where they keep the lottery tickets. You see, they don't keep them behind the glass to prevent theft. That sheet of glass is a drool-guard.

I don't really care if you're looking for ways to dispose of your hard-earned cash, but please, MAKE YOUR DAMN MIND UP ALREADY!!! Lottery is a game of chance; any time you spend hovering over the tickets trying to somehow psychically "read" them is wasted. Please, if you do have any sort of psychic ability, go locate some missing children and stop wasting everyone's time.

And, dear lotto-zombies, once you've (eventually) made your purchase, move the f*#@ along. Don't scratch off the tickets right there. That is rude and you are an asshole. Hard as it may be for you to believe, the rest of us waiting in line aren't shifting around restlessly because we are just so damn anxious as to whether or not you will win; we just want to pay for our shit and get on with our lives. And we don't need any of your damn lottery ticket scratch-off residue all over our Big Gulp cup either. This is why I like My Name Is Earl so much...in the first two minutes of the first show, someone who buys a lottery ticket gets run over. Sweet, sweet Karma!

Speaking of ways to take the "convenience" out of "convenience store", now some of the stores in my area are offering to renew your license tabs. I can hear the business strategy planning meeting now: "Let's see...how can we ass-rape our customers at the pump, and then make them feel like they're in line at the DMV?"

By Jove, they've done it again!

"Look At All Those Non-Skybox Losers Down There Watching Hockey Without Sushi pfff-If You Can Call That Hockey."

2006-06-13T22:48:00.000-05:00

Well, on Wednesday, the Carolina Hurricanes are poised to win the Stanley Cup if they can defeat the Edmonton Oilers just one more time. Lord Stanley, I presume, is spinning in his grave. The last time a team from the South took home the Cup, you'll remember, they canceled the next season. Two Cups in a row? I think that signals the Apocolypse...

The real tragedy here is that the Hurricanes used to be the Hartford Whalers, one of those special small market teams that I just couldn't help but root for (Aside.... my favorite line in my least favorite Kevin Smith movie: "If I want to call the Hartford Whalers a bunch of fairies in the privacy of my own living room, that's my own damn business!"). Now they're just another lame southern franchise backed by fair weather fans that can't understand what the two-line passing rule was or how the game changed when they got rid of it. Makes me sick just thinking of it!

If you caught Game 4 on Monday, you saw the game open with a beautiful rendition of both countries national anthems (and you noticed that many Canadians knew the words to The Star Spangled Banner...how many of you Yankees can belt out Oh Canada!?) I, of course, teared up like a little girl as I sang along to them. I don't know why, but that stuff always gets to me. Luckily, the Oilers supplied plenty of violence as the first period opened to get the old testosterone flowing again. But then they went on to lose, the no-good bastards! Arrgh, if only Dwayne Roloson (formerly of the Wild) hadn't been injured in Game 1...

I know the World Cup is going on right now, but I'd urge everyone to catch the Stanley Cup while you still can. I have it on good authority that large sheets of ice will be hard to come by in the coming decades.

"Hi, I'm The Electric Car, I Can't Go Very Fast Or Very Far, And If You Drive Me, People Will Think That You're Gay."

2006-06-11T18:40:00.000-05:00

What with all the talk about flex-fuel this and hydrogen-cell that, I'd completely forgotten all about the electric cars they were hyping about a decade ago. Well, there's a film about them coming out this summer. Sorry, but it's not by Pixar...here's the preview:

What, I ask y'all, became of the electric car? Did our wise leaders catch that episode of The Lone Gunmen where they decide to destroy the water-powered engine because it would have resulted in an unrestrained orgy of global expansion and deforestation? Were they paid off by "Big Oil"? Did they think that people would think that they were gay? Gays are the new commies, you know. Or maybe it was simply the potential nightmare of trying to plug an American car into a European socket.

So who holds back the electric car? The same people who control the British Pound, keep the metric system down, keep Atlantis off the maps and keep the Martians under wraps, if you ask me. But forget about the damn electric cars...what the hell ever happened to Ed Begley Jr.?

"You Can't Weld With Such A Small Flame...Stupid Kids!"

2006-06-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

Since everybody else is doing it...here's a MST3K short for your enjoyment.

This one is probably my favorite short of all time, despite the fact that this one features Mike rather than Joel. I can't watch it without singing "Tool Operator" for the next couple of days.

"And Now, The Man Who Puts Young People Behind Bars, Where They Belong...TV's Matlock!"

2006-06-01T08:16:00.000-05:00

Today is Andy Griffith's birfday! I'm actually watching Matlock right now, so if this post reads a little incoherently, that's why. This stuff is riveting!

Oh Snap! The late, great Don Knotts just made a cameo appearance!

I think one of my favorite parts of this show, aside from the cutting edge 80's fashion, the hackneyed dialogue ("I believe that this one of the best hot dogs I've ever put in my mouth!") and the way the judge just belittled the lawyer with a speech impediment, is the way Matlock sends his African American friend to break into various offices and warehouses, or commit other acts of dubious legality.

I also like that they never seem to run out of ways to get cherry pie splattered all over his white, Southern lawyer suit.

Now, I'm no fancy, big-city lawyer, but I do declare that I'd like to wish Matlock a happy birthday, and many more!

"Yep, That's A Fine Lookin' Grill...Why The Hell Doesn't Mine Look Like That?!?"

2006-05-28T21:51:00.000-05:00

Check out the latest outdoor accessory for the phallically inadequate. I think the name of this model is "Hank Hill Leaves His Fugly Wife And Spends The Rest Of His Days In Passionate, If Unholy, Bliss".

I mean Christ, this thing looks like it could eat you if it had a mind to. It's kind of ironic to think about how much food you could buy for starving people with what this monstrosity costs, especially when you take into consideration all the Borgnine-wannabes stuffing their gullets with three inch thick steaks coming off this baby. But for all it's technological decadence, I can't help but notice there aren't any cup holders. Am I to be expected to hold my Kool Aid in my hand like a caveman or something?

Anyway, now you know why all the girls laugh at you and your silly little Weber kettle grill...why not just buy yourself a used Yugo and move back in with mother while you're at it?

Have fun grilling out this weekend! And remember, vets get first pick off the grill!

"Damn FDA! Why Can't They All Be Marshmallows?"

2006-05-23T12:41:00.000-05:00

If I were ever stranded on a desert island and could have only one kind of food, it would be breakfast cereal, hands down. The original Bachelor's Chow, it can be eaten any time of day, with or without milk, as a meal or as a snack. To enter my childhood room, you'd have to wade through ankle-deep, pointy disposable crappy toys that were utterly useless yet still were often the fulcrum on which my cereal buying decision hinged.

My love affair with cereal started with King Vitamin:

I could scarf down bowl after bowl of this stuff as a kid. I think I stopped eating it when I was around 8 or 9. Much later (about 20 years later), I tried it again...and I hated it. It wasn't as sweet as I remembered, and it nearly instantly turned to mush when milk was added.

Then around the time I hit the big One-O, the time in your life when summers get shorter and candy isn't as sweet, I switched to Froot Loops:

I remember I would stay up late in the summer with my friend, and we'd watch David Letterman while eating Froot Loops and drinking Cokes and laughing like crackheads...those were heady times...

Soon, though, I lost my fascination with Froot Loops and moved on to Cap'n Crunch...the hard stuff, with the crunchberries. I'm such a sugar-crazed junkie, wandering the cereal isle in the hopes a little kid might rip a box open and I can get my next fix off the supermarket floor.

This guy's still got his hook in me. I don't know how he sleeps at night trading in human weakness and tooth decay.

Plus, he also sails around in international waters with a boatful of children...you do the math.

Now, though, I apparently have grown up and matured, as my favorite cereal is Cinnamon Life. Simple and wholesome, but still with a little bit of sugar to give it a kick...now that's good eatin'!

"Mmmmmm...Fordidden Donut..."

2006-05-18T14:36:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I like to do these quizes and save them for weeks when I'm short on time or material. This is one of those weeks. Come...join me as I 'phone it in', blogstyle!

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that.
You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness.
Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone digs you.
And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

What Donut Are You?

"Hand Me My Patching Trowel, Boy!"

2006-05-15T15:48:00.000-05:00

We spent Mother's Day installing a bathroom exhaust fan and related ducting, working as a family, just like every mother dreams of doing on her special day. It was a great weekend full of laughter and swearing and fetching things. With this project finished (well, almost finished, at any rate), I think that Sy and I have now completed enough work that it should qualify us for a degree in Half-Assal Engineering.

What did you guys do for mommy?

"Is Amanda Hugginkiss Here? Hey Guys, I'm Lookin' For Amanda Hugginkiss!"

2006-05-11T16:28:00.000-05:00

All the news coming out lately about how they're trying to monitor every phone call in the US just really gives me the urge to do more prank phone calling. Of course, prank calls don't always work out too well for me, but I just can't help it, entertaining is in my blood. The Constitution may be going through some rough times, but the show must go on!

I just hope that the guy in charge of the White House bowling lane isn't named 'Hugh Jass', and his testicles don't weigh ten pounds.

ps-I can't believe I missed it, but I hope everyone had a happy Whacking Day yesterday!

"D'oh!"

2006-05-08T21:08:00.000-05:00

!DISCLAIMER!
>This post was entered not because I have anything important or relevant or amusing to say, but was rather constructed out of a deep sense of guilt for not having posted for nearly a week. Please take a moment to lower the bar for me...

...thank you.<

Man, the last couple of seasons have really been subpar, and I think I've figured out at least part of the problem:

Homer doesn't say "d'oh!" anymore. He just whines and moans, and it is *SO EFFING ANNOYING*!

Part of what made the Simpsons so great in the past was the great sense of timing it displayed. It moved fast, you had to pay attention, and you often missed one joke because you were laughing at the previous one. But Homer's groans just drag on these days, seemingly for eternities, acting like speedbumps for this once fast-paced comedy.

I could go on and on here, but I'm pressed for time. I've got to get a website up and fully functional and *fabulous!* by Wednesday afternoon, and man, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty...and where's my Tab?

"As Much As I Hate That Man Right Now, I Gotta Love That Suit."

2006-05-03T19:53:00.000-05:00

I've always been bad at remembering dates, and I missed a big one this week. No, not the celebration of Sylvana and my agreement, under the law, to love and obey and file our taxes jointly. Hmm, speaking of, I think my wedding anniversary is coming up soon, don't ask me which year it is. I think it's the thirteenth or something...but that's another post.

Anyways, this May 1st was a big anniversary, Mission Accomplished! I guess now it's accomplisheder? At any rate, here's a picture of our fearless leader sure to inspire the boys on the front lines:

Oops! Not that one! How'd that get in there?

Ah, here's the dope shit:

Have a happy Apocalypse!

"Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?"

2006-05-01T08:05:00.000-05:00

Whatever happened to ring around the collar? In the 70's it was the scourge of the laundral sciences, but it has vanished off the radar. It's mere mention no longer elicits a visceral emotion of any kind.

Has it been eradicated in my lifetime, like smallpox?

Or, like mumps, is it just lurking, nursing its wounds, biding it's time, ready to strike without notice...kind of like Karl Rove?

"Your Quick Thinking Turned A Potential Chernobyl Into A Mere Three Mile Island."

2006-04-26T15:50:00.000-05:00

I learned from Shannon that today is the 20th anniversary of the Chernobyl disaster. One of the people who left a comment for her said:

"I'll tell you what makes me proud to be an american is that we weren't arrogantly stupid as the communists in our nuclear power plant operations. Those russions were incredibly foolish and un-scientific in their practices that lead up to the chernobyl disaster. Not to mention the horrible containment/clean up effort after-the-fact."

Those words got me thinking..."arrogantly stupid", "un-scientific in their practices", "horrible containment/clean up effort after-the-fact"...those phrases remind me of someone...can't quite put my finger on it....

Well, I can't sit here forever trying to think, I've got to go put food on my family.

"Ok, You Can't Leave First Until You Chug A Beer, Any Man Scoring Has To Chug A Beer, And The Fourth Inning Is The Beer Inning."

2006-04-25T12:06:00.000-05:00

Courtesy of Think Progress...

"Political polarization seeps into the last bastion of “bipartisan civility” - the Congressional Softball League. Conservative teams have accused the league commissioner “of running a socialist year-end playoff system that gives below-average teams an unfair chance to win the championship,” and have started their own league. Teams include the “traditional Republican powerhouse Fat, Drunk & Awesome from the House Homeland Security Committee” and Moderately Sober from Rep. Sherwood Boehlert’s (R-NY) office."

Geez, are you guys always on?

"Hey, I'm Doing The Best I Can With The Material I Have."

2006-04-20T08:29:00.000-05:00

I, for one, would like to bid a heartfelt 'fare thee well' to the second hardest working man in show business, Scotty McClellan. I know if I had his job, I would be ready for retirement...

No Mas, No Mas!

"Ah, What A Beautiful Day...The Sun Is Out, The Birds Are Singing, The Bees Are Trying To Have Sex With Them...As Is My Understanding."

2006-04-17T08:13:00.000-05:00

Man, is anyone else having trouble focusing on blogging this Spring? Normally, Spring is my least-favorite of seasons, what with all its muckiness bare limbed trees. Plus, I have nothing but contempt for any season so brash as to suppose it can take an hour of sleep away from me. But it has been so de-damn-lightful here in Upper-Middle Flyoverland, even I can't maintain this long held grudge.

I'm a bit alarmed at this chipping away at my hard earned bitterness. So, in an effort to get the bile flowing again faster than the sun can burn it off, I'll just list a few sex-ed facts being taught to our children in this, the season where a young man's (and, presumably, utterly immoral woman's) fancy turns to love.

Among the many facsinating tidbits included in such stalwarts of scare tactics as Me, My World, My Future, Choosing the Best and WAIT Training (Wait training...get it? Who says the fuddy-duddies don't have a sense of humor?):

* HIV can be spread via sweat and tears. Heck, any senator with half a brain could tell you that!

* A 43-day-old fetus is a thinking person.

*Condoms fail to prevent HIV transmission as often as 31 percent of the time in heterosexual intercourse, not the 2-3% that so-called "science" would have you believe.

*One text even struggled with basic science, such as how many chromosomes each parent contributes to a little bundle of joy. (Hint: It's 23, but if you answered "24", eh, close enough...go ahead and write a sex-ed text if you want to.)

Peace Oot, blog-heads!

"I Can't Be Held Responsible For What My Goons Are Ordered To Do!"

2006-04-11T21:08:00.000-05:00

Dear Mr. Bush,

The jig is up. That'll teach you to trust a man named "Scooter" to do your dirty work.

We've all had a good laugh over your Constitution-in-the-shredder routine, but please....have some dignity. Please have your desk cleaned out by the end of the week. Oh, and you can keep the flight suit.

Love,

Sideshow Bob

"You Get All The Fun Of Sitting Still, Being Quiet, Writing Down Numbers, Paying Attention...Yes, Science Has It All."

2006-04-06T20:52:00.000-05:00

Some consider the world of science boring. I call these people "dinguses". I had to deal with them throughout my primary and secondary school career, I had to put up with their nonsense at all my wage-slave, monkey-labor jobs, and now I am forced to endure them making poorly thought out policy decisions for my country.

I, on the other hand, love science, and admire those who dedicate their life to it. Whether they are biologists, astronomers or simply an individual with an advanced degree in hypersupercalifragalistics, the fact is that scientists are cool, they have awesome-looking labcoats, and they get to say sublimely transcendent stuff like:

Ring Around Uranus Is Blue, Scientists Find

and

Goddamn Findings Fail To Support Researcher's Hypothesis

God bless those science-type guys and gals!

"Oooo..Sugar In The Gas Tank. Your Ex-Husband Strikes Again!"

2006-04-03T16:10:00.000-05:00

Last night I went to bed around 11 o'clock or so, only to wake at 2:15. I trudged downstairs to the WC, then trudged back up, fully aware that no way no how was I going to fall asleep again. I layed there for a bout half an hour before I gave up and went downstairs to do a little homework and watch a little TV, finally returning to my slumber at aroung 4:45.

At 5:00, JD's alarm goes off. I don't know why he sets it that early, seeing as he doesn't leave for school until about ten to 7. And left to his own devices, an alarm going off at full, ear-splitting volume won't wake him until it has been going off for at least half an hour, so I hd to get up to give him a shake to wake him up. Eventually, I stumble back to bed and fall asleep at about 5:10, where I blissfully sleep until my alarm goes off at 7:15.

I get downstairs at about 7:20, and right away I see Sy is running late. I finish getting dresed and got her coat, purse and coffee mug ready for her, and we dash out the door at 7:29, one minute before she's supposed to be at work. We rush to the car, get buckled in, and turn the key and.....nothing. WTF? The engine didn't turn over, the starter wasn't even clicking. But the radio and lights worked.

So Sy, already running late, had to walk to work. I made sure the wires were connected and dry, and checked the fuses, but they were all fine. So, that pretty much covered my limited knowledge set of the workings of the internal combustion engine. Eventually I had to get it towed down to the local garage. Hopefully, it'll be ready to go tomorrow afternoon. Good thing Sy's and my jobs are in walking distance and my school schedule is flexible.

Was it sugar in the gas tank? I don't know...I don't know.

But yeah, I think so.

"Ketchup...Catsup. Ketchup...Catsup. Whoo, I'm Way Over My Head Here."

2006-03-28T19:50:00.000-06:00

Has anyone used those "Easy Squeeze" bottles of ketchup from Heinz? I propose they change the name to "Bottle Full 'O Lies".

Lie #1: "Easy Squeeze"...Easy squeeze my ass! (Ooo! Thank you sir, may I have another?) I have squeezed many substances out of many containers, and nothing, nothing has been as difficult as the damn Heinz so-called "Easy Squeeze" bottle. Christ, it would be effin' easier to squeeze frozen mud out of a syringe!

Lie #2: "No mess bottle"...It's kind of hard not to make a mess when, in order to get the damn ketchup out of the bottle, you have to whack it with a damn mallot.

Lie #3: "New cap prevents 'watery-stuff'"....Lies, lies I tell you!!!

Lie #4: "Durable plastic bottle"...Well, after putting myself through considerable strain, only to squirt "watery-stuff" all over my burger, the bottle slips out of my greasy mitts and hits the floor, where it splits open and ketchup splatters everywhere. It looked like a friggin' blood bath in my kitchen. Thanks so much, Heinz...is it too late to take back the vote I cast for Kerry?

Just kidding...I voted for Nader...

"What's My Horoscope Say? 'Today Will Be A Day Like Any Other'...It Just Keeps Getting Worse!!!"

2006-03-26T22:22:00.000-06:00

Some weeks, you've got more material than time. Other weeks, more time than material. I've been sitting at the computer for hours...guess which kind of week this is.

So go to my honey's blog...and wish her a happy birthday, dammit!

"I've Got Pain...Pain InThe Glaven!!!"

2006-03-22T11:53:00.000-06:00

You know, I enjoy French-bashing (or is it freedom-bashing now?) as much as the next guy, but I really think they were on to something with their Jerry Lewis worshipping. As proof, I offer the popularity of Professor John Frink on the Simpsons.

As further proof, here's a link to a funny bit from the Onion.

Upon reflection, I've decided that it's not Jerry Lewis that's funny, but making fun of Jerry Lewis that's funny...lousy misleading French...

"Drinking, Violence, Destruction Of Property...Are These The Things We Think Of When We Think Of The Irish?"

2006-03-17T08:11:00.000-06:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! We've come a long way since the first St. Patrick's Day in the U.S., when it was used as a way to gather all the Irish in the center of town for easy beatdowns. In honor of my Irish heritage, I'd just like to say a few things:

26+6=1

UK out of Ireland

Erin Go Bragh!

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back and may the good Lord hold you in the hollow of his hand.

Kiss me Blarney Stones, I'm Irish!

And if you aren't wearing green today, here is a virtual pinch >< just for you.

"Peace Pipe Aficionado: What Your Endfeather Says About You."

2006-03-15T15:20:00.000-06:00

As a dude, I enjoy wearing sports jerseys. I remember as a kid, running to the tree every Christmas morning, hoping to find a Steelers jersey. And I remember being disappointed year after year. The best I got was a T-shirt that said "Steelers". It was bright yellow and ugly, but I still wore it more days than not.

Then when I was twelve, I finally got my jersey. Not like a real one or anything (it was Sears and Roebuck special), but it looked sort of real. It was number 32, Franco Harris. I loved that thing!

Now that I have the means to buy my own damn clothing, I own several jerseys. I am cheap though, and I've only gotten one that wasn't at least 50% off retail. I'm relaying all this information as a backdrop to my current dilemma...

A couple months ago, we were in a second-hand shop and I came across a baseball jersey. I checked the price tag: $5!!! It was in mint condition and would normally sell for around 60 bucks, so I couldn't pass it up. There is one wee problem...it's a Cleveland Indians jersey...with Chief Wahoo's mug

right there on my chest. Probably the second most racist team monkier in all of American professional sports, after the Redskins.

Now, I'm down with the cause, but I really like my jersey! What to do ....WHAT TO DO??? Maybe if I wear it with my "Kill Whitey" hat?

"I'm Bart Simpson, Who The Hell Are You?"

2006-03-10T14:15:00.000-06:00

You Are Bart Simpson

Very misunderstood, most people just dismiss you as "trouble."

Little do they know that you're wise and well accomplished beyond your years.

You will be remembered for: starring in your own TV show and saving the town from a comet

Your life philosophy: "I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"

The Simpsons Personality Test

Yes, it's another one of those damn tests, sorry. I wouldn't have posted it at all, but the quote was just too perfect.

I promise to have actual content next week...but don't hold me to that, it was more of an idle, "get off my ass" promise. Later, grizzly dudes!

"If I Could Just Say A Few Words...I'd Be A Better Public Speaker."

2006-03-08T11:28:00.000-06:00

Oh Blogger! My Blogger! You've opened up vast new horizons of procrastination to me. Right now I should be working on my presentation. But I've decided to do my presentation on blogging..so...maybe I'm doing research right now?

I've heard that most people, when listing their fears, place public speaking above death. I might be hard pressed to choose between the two. Toastmasters suggests harnessing your nervous energy and transforming it into vitality and enthusiasm. I will try to instigate such mental judo, but if that doesn't work, I'll just pretend I'm speaking to only one person. Who happens to be my best friend. And is naked. And I'll make sure to have my trusty harikari sword. Because I like to go into something like this prepared.

"I'll Be Deep In The Cold, Cold Ground Before I Recognize Missourah!"

2006-03-06T20:23:00.000-06:00

I'm sure most of you have heard of the book What's the Matter with Kansas? Well, whatever it is, it's likely infectuous, and habitual Kansas-toucher Misouri is presenting with similar symptoms, such as Bizarre Persecution Syndrome. I think I know why this is happening. As anyone who has driven through states like Kansas and Missouri will know, the never changing landscape of corn and wheat fields and arrow-straight highways can be downright hypnotic. Maybe this makes the citizenry of these states easily susceptible to suggestion. Or it could have something to do with the grand Dumbing Down of America agenda designed to tighten the neo-con stranglehold on our country. Or maybe it has something to do with Branson. But I digress...

Despite the fact that around 85% of American citizens declare themselves to be Christian, the Missouri legislature has found it necessary to introduce a resolution effectively making Christianity the official state religion. Here is the text of the official proposal, complete with generous use of the word "whereas".

While they're at it, maybe they might want to make the official state race Caucasian, the official state gender Male, and the official state party Republican.

Now, as much fun as it is to rag on states like Missouri or Kansas for being backwards, I am deeply saddened by the news that even my beloved blue-state Wisconsin is not immune from the influence of scared, hate-mongering so-called "Christians". On the state ballot in November, voters will vote on whether or not to ban gay marriage. No word yet on whether or not we will be able to vote to ban bigotry...

On Wisconsin Public Radio, I heard one of the proponents of the ban say something to the effect that the Democrats need to stop stalling and allow for a vote, and went on to say that the Democrats are stalling because they know they're on the "wrong side of the issue". Of course, most Wisconsin Democrats were on the "wrong side" of the civil rights issues of the 60's, but I'm sure the irony of that would be lost on supporters of this proposal.

"This Just In...Go To Hell!"

2006-03-03T15:40:00.000-06:00

Apropos to the D&D post, I just found this little doozy over at I can't believe it's not butter...YOU GODAMN LIAR!

It's all falling into place....Excellent!

"We Played Dungeons & Dragons For 3 Hours, Then I Was Slain By An Elf."

2006-02-28T16:32:00.000-06:00

In a move that has resulted a cacophony of rejoicing emanating from parent's basements across the country, Dungeons and Dragons has entered the digital age and is now available for online play!

I first heard this news on the radio last night when they interviewed the creator of D&D, Gary Gygax from his home in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin (On, Wisconsin!). Sounding eerily like a 45 year old Milhouse, Mr Gygax expressed his surprise and pleasure at how widespread the game had become.

Of course, purists will say that you can have their graph paper and multi-sided dice when you pry them from their cold, dead hands. Of course, purists have no life, and their hands are usually kind of cold and clammy anyway.

"My Mighty Heart Is Breaking...I'll Be In The Humvee."

2006-02-23T19:30:00.000-06:00

In case you feel like your SUV just isn't releasing enough noxious fumes into the atmosphere...

Now for sale at Macy's and other fine retailers. Seriously. I'm not kidding. I can only hope that if you buy this crap you go on some sort of list. Or get your very own circle of Hell.

"Well, It Doesn't Take A Bart Simpson To See That Something's Wrong Here."

2006-02-21T18:47:00.000-06:00

If you know the Simpsons, the quote above will make sense. And if you don't, well then the hell witcha!

Anyhoo, I got this test from Irb over at his blog, I can't believe it's not butter, YOU GODDAMN LIAR!!!, the name of which cracks me up every single time I say or even think it. And, as I suspected, I am a super-genius...

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

I am the kind of guy who can be very smart, but I'm not above being so lost in thought that I fall into an open manhole...wipe that smirk off your face and get your mind out of the gutter, sicko. Manhole is not dirty, it's a perfectly cromulent word...

"I'm Soaring...Soaring Majestically Like A Candy Wrapper Caught In An Updraft!"

2006-02-18T12:24:00.000-06:00

I love this quote...it reminds me of the scene in American Beauty where the plastic bag is caught in an eddy. Very zen.

I would like to pose a question, one that Sy and I have discused (and disagreed upon): would you rather have a million dollars or be able to fly? Choose wisely...

"I Choo-Choo-Choose You!"

2006-02-14T13:07:00.000-06:00

Dear readers,

Won't you be my Valentine?

Psyche!

I already got one, suckers! Nyah, nyah.

No, seriously, you guys are great, don't change.

Just for you guys, here's some print 'n' trade Valentine's Day cards, featuring strong, crazy women (just my type):

Seriously, did you see the footage of Bjork going after that reporter? Sexy!

Have you heard Fiona's latest record? Genius!

Is Tori playing nude? Weird!

Ah, here's my favorite! Happy Valentime's Day, sweetie!

"Welcome To Dick Cheney's America."

2006-02-12T20:58:00.000-06:00

Our VP is the rootinest, tootinest, pollutinest, shootinest second in command in the world. He makes all of the many, many, many second-in-commands in al Qaeda look like lily-hugging, underpants-wearing, bath-taking girl scouts.

Like I always say, guns don't kill people, karma just likes to fuck with things in deliciously ironic ways.

ps- don't mess with Texas.

"Oh, Will This Be The Year For My Beloved Blue-Shirts?"

2006-02-12T20:00:00.000-06:00

The NFC beat the AFC this year in the Pro Bowl.

Meh...

"You Have The Right To Remain Sexy."

2006-02-10T13:22:00.000-06:00

I was making a phone call from the kitchen, setting up an appointment for a massage for my sweetie (hold for applause...thank you, thank you), when I heard the TV from the living room. Cops was on, and apparently some subject who is considered innocent until proven guilty was resisting arrest on camera.

As I went through the particulars of setting up the appointment, gunfires, sirens and shouting erupted in the background. Then came a dog, barking his head off. Christ, what the poor woman on the other end of the phone must be thinking. Then it got worse.

The cops finally caught the fugitive, and a struggle ensued. Is anyone aware that the sound of cops and fugitives struggling sounds exactly like two (or more) people screwing? Panting and gasping, sceaming "get off me!" and "put your hands where I can see 'em!"

I'm sure the massage lady was relieved when she learned the appointment was for my wife and not me...

"I Asked You Not To Whistle That Annoying Song Anymore!"

2006-02-07T21:45:00.000-06:00

Now you don't have to whistle...just click on this link and you'll know the words...

"Woo Hoo!!!!!!"

2006-02-05T21:02:00.000-06:00

One for the thumb!!!

Yay Steelers!!!!

"Have No Fear, The Sphere Is Here!"

2006-02-02T17:50:00.000-06:00

The Shannonosphere, that is. She's coming back
to the Land O' Sitcoms (Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley, That 70's Show, Step By Step (although we don't like to take credit for that last one)). And me and Sy cain't wait to meet her. And because we too suffer from abulia, we've already begun researching places to eat.

Specific details on our meeting are very fuzzy at this point, but when we do meet, I should be easy to spot...just look for this guy, Shannon---------->

"If You Want To Go To Hell You Should Take A Trip To The Sodom And Gomorrah On The Mississip."

2006-02-02T17:06:00.000-06:00

I hate to kick a city while it's down, especially a chocolate city, because I have much love and compassion for those that The Man conspires to keep down. But apparently God does not. I mean, what the eff is up with New Orleans?

First they had Katrina, next "Brownie" and now tornadoes...poor bastards. What's next, locusts? Will the Mississippi River turn to blood? Will human/animal hybrids run amuck at the next Mardi Gras? If so, will anyone notice?

Even the Hornets would rather play in Oklahoma than New Orleans. OKLAHOMA, for chrissakes! I've lived in Oklahoma and unless you have a passion for dry, unfertile red clay or making out with you cousin (swear to god I've seen it), I can't recommend visiting. In fact, I think I'd rather be in New Orleans...

"Let's See, 414 Verses In The Book Of Revelations, Divide By The Number Of People At The Last Supper, Subtract The Number Of Filipinos In The Bible.."

2006-01-31T21:02:00.000-06:00

Doh! I got tagged! I'm assuming that the Playground Conventions are in effect here and tag-backs are a no-no.

These be the rules, ye scurvy dogs,
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

A little more math than I'd prefer, but oh well, here's mine:
"I was as comfortable as I'd been in a long time...except I sorta had to pee."

I ask you, dear readers, where can you find such relevant and captivating material that isn't on Sirius satellite radio?

Let's see, who should I finger? Hmmm...

Maria, you have been seriously slacking blog-wise lately, so you are fingered!

Shannon, woman, thou art fingered!

Courtney, fingered!

Dr. Max, you will also be getting the finger.

And of course, I have to finger my beloved.

That "fingering" thing sure wore thin quick, didn't it?

"Like My Mother Always Said, You've Got To Stick It Out, Even If You Picked The Loser...To The Bitter End."

2006-01-31T17:59:00.000-06:00

Good luck on your little speech tonight Mr. President...5th time's the charm!

ps-This year, don't forget to shred the evidence that might come back to haunt you. Isn't that what Rove gets paid for?

"Ah, The Luftwaffe...The Washington Generals Of The History Channel."

2006-01-29T20:37:00.000-06:00

Mmmm...Luftwaffles....uh, sorry, where was I?

We went up north to visit Sylvana's parents last weekend. I love going up north because that means big feasts and cable television and beautiful scenery. And cable television...did I mention that we don't have cable anymore? In general, I think it was a sound decision to cut the cable, both financially and in terms of quality of life. We no longer laze around on the couch for hours watching unadulterated crap.

But sometimes I miss my cable...

On Saturday night I watched the History Channel, great stuff on the history of the US space program. Then there was some stuff on the history of prophets, from the Oracle at Delphi to Edgar Cayce. And, of course, the obligatory footage of Nazis getting their comeuppance. Oh, I was in nerd heaven!

"You Say That So Often It's Lost All Meaning."

2006-01-25T19:30:00.000-06:00

Although I really, really, really don't like the crass commercialization of music that goes hand-in-hand with the American Idol franchise, I still can get some enjoyment out of watching it. At least until the auditions are over. Like all good-hearted people, I love to watch a train wreck. I would take a William Hung CD over a Clay Aiken or Carrie Underwear..oops...Underwood any day.

Note to Simon Cowell: Everyone can't all be the worst, most awful performance you've ever heard. Maybe you need to work on your schtick in the offseason. And try to keep Paula off the sauce. On second thought, keep her drunk all the time. A sober Paula is a boring Paula.

"Second Comes Right After First!"

2006-01-20T08:59:00.000-06:00

Happy 76th Birthday, Buzz Aldrin!

In an era full of undeserving popular heroes (such as atheltes, Billionaire media emperors and presidents), we are lucky to still have a real hero still among us. Buzz went into space back when going into space really meant something. Like the "Miracle on Ice" 1980 USA hockey team, Buzz gave us all something to be proud of, and it was a joyful pride of triumph, not the subdued pride you feel these days when the US Olympic Hockey Team skates circles around Belarus. What ever happened to Mike Eruzione, by the way? ...I digress...

Buzz is the only astronaut ever to be on the Simpsons, and has one of the better lines ever uttered on the series. When Homer rips open a bag of potato chips and they float all over the space shuttle, Buzz bats at them with his hands, yelling, "Careful...they're ruffled!" Big ups for my man...motherf@*#er actually walked on the effin' moon! How cool is that?

And why the eff did Blogger put a hyperlink on "man...motherf@*#er"? Can't a motherf#%@er write motherf@#*er anymore? Buzz is sad for America today...

"Don't Worry Head. The Computer Will Do Our Thinking Now."

2006-01-16T16:40:00.000-06:00

Arrrggg...writer's block...composer's despair...author's despondency...scribe's hoplessness...lexicographer's dejection...I got 'em all.

I also have a thesaurus.

And a headache...

It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

"Good Night Springton...There Will Be No Oncores..."

"Will Milhouse And I Be Friends When We're Toothless Old Men With Hair Coming Out Of Our Ears?"

"Hitler, North Dakota?"

"It's Hotter Than A Faux News Weather Skank!!!"

"Yeah, Well You'd Be Grumpy Too If You Were Taken Out Of Your Natural Habitat And Gawked At By A Bunch Of Slack-Jawed Yokels."

"Do I Smell Vodka...And Wheatgrass?" "I Call It A 'Lawnmower'!"

"Kryptonite? What's That? The -ite Suffix Suggests A Mineral."

"That's How Jackie Got Her 'O'!"

"Silly Customer, You Cannot Hurt A Twinkie!"

"...Sha-La-la-laaaa..."

"Look At Those Non-Skybox Losers Down There, Watching Hockey Without Sushi...If You Can Call That Hockey."

"Ladies And Gentlemen, The Clown Show Has Been Put On Hiatus For Retooling."

"Ahh...The First Time I've Ever Been Early For Work. Except For All Those Daylight Savings Days...Lousy Farmers!"

Over The Years, A Newsman Learns A Number Of Things That He Just Cannot Report...It Doesn't Seem To Matter Now, So: The Following People Are Gay."

"Woo Hoo! Four Day Weekend!"

"Hey, The Sidewalk's Fer Regular Walkin', Not Fancy Walkin'!"

"Stupid Poetic Justice!"

"They're Controlling Our Minds With Flu Shots...I Knew It!"

"Hey, It's Saturday...Your Powers Are Useless Against Me!"

Hey Guys...I'm Lookin' For Amanda Hugginkiss...Oh, Why Can't I Find Amanda Hugginkiss?!?"

"Dude, Videotaping This Crime Spree Is The Best Idea We've Ever Had!"

"Yeah, I Like To Make Up Words Too."

"Thank Goodness I Still Live In A World Of Telephones, Car Batteries, Handguns, And Many Things Made Of Zinc."

"He's History's Greatest Monster!"

"Aren't We Forgetting The True Meaning Of Christmas...You Know, The Birth Of Santa?"

"Won't It Be Great To Cast Off The Shackles Of The Soul-Crushing Hellhole That Is Springfield Elementary?"

"The Lesson Is: Our God Is Vengeful! O Spiteful One, Show Me Who To Smite And They Shall Be Smoten!"

"How Much Money Did He Piss Away On This?"

"He Didn't Give You Gay, Did He!?!"

"Deep Down Iside You Secretly Long For A Cold-Hearted Republican To Lower Taxes, Brutalize Criminals, And Rule You Like A King."

"I'm Not Very Political..In Fact, I Usually Think People Who Vote Are A Bit 'Fruity', But This Guy Really Speaks To Me."

"I Can Handle That. I'm An Expert At Phony Apologies."

"Oh Boy, Sleep...That's Where I'm A Viking!"

"If You Leave Milk Out, It Can Go Sour. Put It In A Refrigerator, Or, Failing That, A Cool, Wet Sack."

"Haw Haw!"

"I'm Sick Of Being A Wannabe League Bowler! I Wanna Be A League Bowler!"

"Uhh...We're Not Smoking Reefer!" OR "Make Way For Willie!"

"If I Didn't Have Inner Peace, I'd Completely Go Psycho On All You Guys All The Time."

"This Country Was Built By Carnies...Well, The Carnival Part Of It Anyway."

"Please, Don't Eat Me! I Have A Wife And Kids...Eat Them!"

"What Happened To You China? You Used To Be Cool."

"Hey Kids, It's Nachos, Flanders-Style: Cucumbers And Cottage Cheese!"

"I Recommend Getting A Tattoo. They Preserve The Thing You Love...Starland Vocal Band!?! They Suck!!!"

"There's No Point To It. I Just Thought He Could Stand To Lose A Little Weight."

"I"ve Learned That Life Is One Crushing Defeat After Another Until You Just Wish Flanders Was Dead."

"Is This The End Of Zombie Shakespeare?"

"It's Just Made Up Words That Don't Mean Anything...Like 'Shamalamadingdong' Or 'Give Peace A Chance'.

"Back Then, We Television Producers Was Just Jerks In Suits, Nothing At All Like These Days."

"The Cosmic Ballet Continues."

"Ladies And Gentlemen, The Clown Show Has Been Put On Hiatus For Retooling."

"Possessions Are Fleeting."

"Liberty Bell...Liberty Bell...D'oh!"

"Look At All Those Non-Skybox Losers Down There Watching Hockey Without Sushi *pfff*-If You Can Call That Hockey."

"Hi, I'm The Electric Car, I Can't Go Very Fast Or Very Far, And If You Drive Me, People Will Think That You're Gay."

"You Can't Weld With Such A Small Flame...Stupid Kids!"

"And Now, The Man Who Puts Young People Behind Bars, Where They Belong...TV's Matlock!"

"Yep, That's A Fine Lookin' Grill...Why The Hell Doesn't Mine Look Like That?!?"

"Damn FDA! Why Can't They All Be Marshmallows?"

"Mmmmmm...Fordidden Donut..."

"Hand Me My Patching Trowel, Boy!"

"Is Amanda Hugginkiss Here? Hey Guys, I'm Lookin' For Amanda Hugginkiss!"

"D'oh!"

"As Much As I Hate That Man Right Now, I Gotta Love That Suit."

"Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?"

"Your Quick Thinking Turned A Potential Chernobyl Into A Mere Three Mile Island."

"Ok, You Can't Leave First Until You Chug A Beer, Any Man Scoring Has To Chug A Beer, And The Fourth Inning Is The Beer Inning."

"Hey, I'm Doing The Best I Can With The Material I Have."

"Ah, What A Beautiful Day...The Sun Is Out, The Birds Are Singing, The Bees Are Trying To Have Sex With Them...As Is My Understanding."

"I Can't Be Held Responsible For What My Goons Are Ordered To Do!"

"You Get All The Fun Of Sitting Still, Being Quiet, Writing Down Numbers, Paying Attention...Yes, Science Has It All."

"Oooo..Sugar In The Gas Tank. Your Ex-Husband Strikes Again!"

"Ketchup...Catsup. Ketchup...Catsup. Whoo, I'm Way Over My Head Here."

"What's My Horoscope Say? 'Today Will Be A Day Like Any Other'...It Just Keeps Getting Worse!!!"

"I've Got Pain...Pain InThe Glaven!!!"

"Drinking, Violence, Destruction Of Property...Are These The Things We Think Of When We Think Of The Irish?"

"Peace Pipe Aficionado: What Your Endfeather Says About You."

"I'm Bart Simpson, Who The Hell Are You?"

"If I Could Just Say A Few Words...I'd Be A Better Public Speaker."

"I'll Be Deep In The Cold, Cold Ground Before I Recognize Missourah!"

"Look At All Those Non-Skybox Losers Down There Watching Hockey Without Sushi pfff-If You Can Call That Hockey."