It All Comes Back To The Simpsons

Sunday, May 28, 2006

"Yep, That's A Fine Lookin' Grill...Why The Hell Doesn't Mine Look Like That?!?"

Check out the latest outdoor accessory for the phallically inadequate. I think the name of this model is "Hank Hill Leaves His Fugly Wife And Spends The Rest Of His Days In Passionate, If Unholy, Bliss".

I mean Christ, this thing looks like it could eat you if it had a mind to. It's kind of ironic to think about how much food you could buy for starving people with what this monstrosity costs, especially when you take into consideration all the Borgnine-wannabes stuffing their gullets with three inch thick steaks coming off this baby. But for all it's technological decadence, I can't help but notice there aren't any cup holders. Am I to be expected to hold my Kool Aid in my hand like a caveman or something?

Anyway, now you know why all the girls laugh at you and your silly little Weber kettle grill...why not just buy yourself a used Yugo and move back in with mother while you're at it?

Have fun grilling out this weekend! And remember, vets get first pick off the grill!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

"Damn FDA! Why Can't They All Be Marshmallows?"

If I were ever stranded on a desert island and could have only one kind of food, it would be breakfast cereal, hands down. The original Bachelor's Chow, it can be eaten any time of day, with or without milk, as a meal or as a snack. To enter my childhood room, you'd have to wade through ankle-deep, pointy disposable crappy toys that were utterly useless yet still were often the fulcrum on which my cereal buying decision hinged.

My love affair with cereal started with King Vitamin:

I could scarf down bowl after bowl of this stuff as a kid. I think I stopped eating it when I was around 8 or 9. Much later (about 20 years later), I tried it again...and I hated it. It wasn't as sweet as I remembered, and it nearly instantly turned to mush when milk was added.

Then around the time I hit the big One-O, the time in your life when summers get shorter and candy isn't as sweet, I switched to Froot Loops:

I remember I would stay up late in the summer with my friend, and we'd watch David Letterman while eating Froot Loops and drinking Cokes and laughing like crackheads...those were heady times...

Soon, though, I lost my fascination with Froot Loops and moved on to Cap'n Crunch...the hard stuff, with the crunchberries. I'm such a sugar-crazed junkie, wandering the cereal isle in the hopes a little kid might rip a box open and I can get my next fix off the supermarket floor.

This guy's still got his hook in me. I don't know how he sleeps at night trading in human weakness and tooth decay.

Plus, he also sails around in international waters with a boatful of do the math.

Now, though, I apparently have grown up and matured, as my favorite cereal is Cinnamon Life. Simple and wholesome, but still with a little bit of sugar to give it a that's good eatin'!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

"Mmmmmm...Fordidden Donut..."

Sometimes I like to do these quizes and save them for weeks when I'm short on time or material. This is one of those weeks. Come...join me as I 'phone it in', blogstyle!

You Are a Glazed Donut

Okay, you know that you're plain - and you're cool with that.
You prefer not to let anything distract from your sweetness.
Your appeal is understated yet universal. Everyone digs you.
And in a pinch, you'll probably get eaten.

Monday, May 15, 2006

"Hand Me My Patching Trowel, Boy!"

We spent Mother's Day installing a bathroom exhaust fan and related ducting, working as a family, just like every mother dreams of doing on her special day. It was a great weekend full of laughter and swearing and fetching things. With this project finished (well, almost finished, at any rate), I think that Sy and I have now completed enough work that it should qualify us for a degree in Half-Assal Engineering.

What did you guys do for mommy?

Thursday, May 11, 2006

"Is Amanda Hugginkiss Here? Hey Guys, I'm Lookin' For Amanda Hugginkiss!"

All the news coming out lately about how they're trying to monitor every phone call in the US just really gives me the urge to do more prank phone calling. Of course, prank calls don't always work out too well for me, but I just can't help it, entertaining is in my blood. The Constitution may be going through some rough times, but the show must go on!

I just hope that the guy in charge of the White House bowling lane isn't named 'Hugh Jass', and his testicles don't weigh ten pounds.

ps-I can't believe I missed it, but I hope everyone had a happy Whacking Day yesterday!

Monday, May 08, 2006


>This post was entered not because I have anything important or relevant or amusing to say, but was rather constructed out of a deep sense of guilt for not having posted for nearly a week. Please take a moment to lower the bar for me...

...thank you.<

Man, the last couple of seasons have really been subpar, and I think I've figured out at least part of the problem:

Homer doesn't say "d'oh!" anymore. He just whines and moans, and it is *SO EFFING ANNOYING*!

Part of what made the Simpsons so great in the past was the great sense of timing it displayed. It moved fast, you had to pay attention, and you often missed one joke because you were laughing at the previous one. But Homer's groans just drag on these days, seemingly for eternities, acting like speedbumps for this once fast-paced comedy.

I could go on and on here, but I'm pressed for time. I've got to get a website up and fully functional and *fabulous!* by Wednesday afternoon, and man, all this computer hacking is making me thirsty...and where's my Tab?

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

"As Much As I Hate That Man Right Now, I Gotta Love That Suit."

I've always been bad at remembering dates, and I missed a big one this week. No, not the celebration of Sylvana and my agreement, under the law, to love and obey and file our taxes jointly. Hmm, speaking of, I think my wedding anniversary is coming up soon, don't ask me which year it is. I think it's the thirteenth or something...but that's another post.

Anyways, this May 1st was a big anniversary, Mission Accomplished! I guess now it's accomplisheder? At any rate, here's a picture of our fearless leader sure to inspire the boys on the front lines:

Oops! Not that one! How'd that get in there?

Ah, here's the dope shit:

Have a happy Apocalypse!

Monday, May 01, 2006

"Ancient Chinese Secret, Huh?"

Whatever happened to ring around the collar? In the 70's it was the scourge of the laundral sciences, but it has vanished off the radar. It's mere mention no longer elicits a visceral emotion of any kind.

Has it been eradicated in my lifetime, like smallpox?

Or, like mumps, is it just lurking, nursing its wounds, biding it's time, ready to strike without notice...kind of like Karl Rove?